BPD - anyone else here?

[northevelyn]

Thank you for sharing one last question and feel free to not reply, it might be very personal hope it won't make you feel uncomfortable: do you think your bpd was caused by some trauma ?

Definitely. I grew up with emotionally and physically abusive parents. I was never taught to deal with my emotions correctly and was shamed constantly. It led to a lot of literal brain damage

 

[saturn1402]

Definitely. I grew up with emotionally and physically abusive parents. I was never taught to deal with my emotions correctly and was shamed constantly. It led to a lot of literal brain damage

Same here… I send you hugs. I am so sorry that happened to you

 

[northevelyn]

Same here… I send you hugs. I am so sorry that happened to you

Right back at you.

 

[FrozenOcean]

Oh boy, do I. BPD, CPTSD, SAD, BDD… my whole life revolves around mental illness. I'm disabled and barely keeping it together day by day. My life is pointless at this point, middle aged and struggling, convinced my mental illness will get worse as I age is the most frightening part and the motivating factor to CTB.

 

[Tao]

I resonate a lot with this. In a way I've been the controlling one, because I'm loud and angry and lack empathy in these intermittent bursts. It takes a lot of wariness to make sure I don't go off blowing up my relationships whenever I get a little upset. Spent a long time not dating because I felt like I was going crazy.

It feels like I hinge my wellness on the people I care about, like I expect them to fix my problems. And when they don't, because they can't, I spiral. Being alone is so much easier.

Do you experience the same kinda thing with friends as well as romantic relationships? For me its both. Which is why I don't have a lot of friends lol

Yes, I have experienced this. I was always in a relationship between ages 18-35 (with 7 different people). I think I wanted to "control" myself by using other people to help regulate my emotions (like if they are happy I deserve to be happy and if they say something I do is making them unhappy I can change for them and we will both feel happy). My childhood fucked me up. I always have this feeling of just wanting to feel safe, happy and not constantly being in survival mode suffering.
I try to be alone but not lonely because I ache for validation from others and certain people can sense that and use it agaist me, so I'm trying to learn to validate myself.
I have a curse... where others always want to be my friend but I feel unworthy, like an imposter syndrome. Like if they knew the "real" me they would not want me around.
When I have "friends" alot of times it's only to validate and support the other person, without any expectation they will ask me how I am or validate me. Those are mostly the kinds of "friends" I have because they know I'll give and not take. I'm everyone's therapist. I'm ok with that dynamic because I don't ever want to be addicted to others validation again but I really do care about the suffering of others.

I'm so tired of living my life with my bpd, I feel so guilty whenever it affects my kids and husband. I feel like I'm everything wrong and nothing right.

It's tough. It can make you act selfish when really you don't want to hurt the ones you love. You spend so much of your time and energy trying to protect/fight yourself and others from your reactions and perceived faults. I feel like so many people with BPD have so much empathy and compassion but it gets mixed up and lost when dealing with emotional scars and self-judgments.

 

[sximii]

I have BPD, it's vile. Id you ever wanna talk I'm here