Hi all.
Been lurking a few months but I guess it's time to make my first post.
I struggle daily with significant Borderline Personality Disorder and a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I also have a partner with BPD who is in recovery from addiction, a long distance girlfriend with Bipolar, and a metamour (partner of my partner) with BPD and clinical DID who lives a few hours away.
The past eight months of my life have been hell. My partner wanting to try polyamory, which I wasn't ready for but somewhat have found comfort in. Living between three homes, losing my job not long after coming out as Transgender, having a mutual romantic interest between myself and my meta get complicated. I largely lost any meaningful connection with my family. My car is very broken, I have over 30k in debt, and I feel stuck in a life where I just do not belong.
I'm not sure how familiar anyone here might be with the concept of a "Favorite Person" in terms of BPD, but the short of it is having your brain decide to tie your emotional well-being to that of another person. All of the people I've mentioned are favorite people for me. My emotions are a constant hurricane. I've struggled on and off with self harm since about December of last year.
Early this year, my partner struggled significantly with relapse, and I came to understand the degree of emotional abuse I had been being out through, which led to me taking a break from living with them to move in with my meta a few hours away while they focus on getting back in recovery.
It was supposed to be safe, it was supposed to be better. In that time I got worse, as my spirals and my meta's spirals continually played off each other. At one point I was asked point blank if I wanted to be sent to the hospital immediately or live through the weekend while my partner visited us to see if I'd be doing better. 10 minutes later I found that question was a lie as I found myself being put into the back of an ambulance. A few months later I was forced to be away from everyone I loved for a week, and then sent back to live with my partner.
I *was* a favorite person for my meta. We talked about dating, about marriage even, but nothing ever happened and I constantly felt like a third wheel.
Now I'm not longer a favorite person. And everything feels so wrong. They say they'd still want to date, but offer little attention when I don't specifically initiate.
Things with my partner haven't been amazing either. They're struggling, dealing with health concerns and poverty (after months of unemployment I finally got a job working the same business as them, since my car might as well be gone, but don't get paid for another week).
Everything feels so empty. So meaningless. So loveless. All the while my girlfriend struggles with her bipolar disorder and disappears for days at a time.
There's so much more I could say but I'm just so tired. Of hurting, of crying, of ruminating endlessly. Of telehealth therapy that doesn't help, prescribes medicine that doesn't help, and completely shuts down my care at the mention of no longer living in the state I had been in.
I want out. I tried. This isn't the life for me and I see no path outward. Everyone who would check in on me doesn't anymore. Every relationship I have is complicated and distant.
I give.
Been lurking a few months but I guess it's time to make my first post.
I struggle daily with significant Borderline Personality Disorder and a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I also have a partner with BPD who is in recovery from addiction, a long distance girlfriend with Bipolar, and a metamour (partner of my partner) with BPD and clinical DID who lives a few hours away.
The past eight months of my life have been hell. My partner wanting to try polyamory, which I wasn't ready for but somewhat have found comfort in. Living between three homes, losing my job not long after coming out as Transgender, having a mutual romantic interest between myself and my meta get complicated. I largely lost any meaningful connection with my family. My car is very broken, I have over 30k in debt, and I feel stuck in a life where I just do not belong.
I'm not sure how familiar anyone here might be with the concept of a "Favorite Person" in terms of BPD, but the short of it is having your brain decide to tie your emotional well-being to that of another person. All of the people I've mentioned are favorite people for me. My emotions are a constant hurricane. I've struggled on and off with self harm since about December of last year.
Early this year, my partner struggled significantly with relapse, and I came to understand the degree of emotional abuse I had been being out through, which led to me taking a break from living with them to move in with my meta a few hours away while they focus on getting back in recovery.
It was supposed to be safe, it was supposed to be better. In that time I got worse, as my spirals and my meta's spirals continually played off each other. At one point I was asked point blank if I wanted to be sent to the hospital immediately or live through the weekend while my partner visited us to see if I'd be doing better. 10 minutes later I found that question was a lie as I found myself being put into the back of an ambulance. A few months later I was forced to be away from everyone I loved for a week, and then sent back to live with my partner.
I *was* a favorite person for my meta. We talked about dating, about marriage even, but nothing ever happened and I constantly felt like a third wheel.
Now I'm not longer a favorite person. And everything feels so wrong. They say they'd still want to date, but offer little attention when I don't specifically initiate.
Things with my partner haven't been amazing either. They're struggling, dealing with health concerns and poverty (after months of unemployment I finally got a job working the same business as them, since my car might as well be gone, but don't get paid for another week).
Everything feels so empty. So meaningless. So loveless. All the while my girlfriend struggles with her bipolar disorder and disappears for days at a time.
There's so much more I could say but I'm just so tired. Of hurting, of crying, of ruminating endlessly. Of telehealth therapy that doesn't help, prescribes medicine that doesn't help, and completely shuts down my care at the mention of no longer living in the state I had been in.
I want out. I tried. This isn't the life for me and I see no path outward. Everyone who would check in on me doesn't anymore. Every relationship I have is complicated and distant.
I give.
