Bpd and persistent suicidal ideation

[Final Escape]

Im going to try partial again tonight. Im taking my cord off the door and changing the way the knots are tied and trying again. Hopefully, this time i can push down the fear and be successful. I just cant continue going on like this.

I hear u I'm feeling the same, I have to remake and reorder some of my supplies again. I would try tonight if it was all ready.

 

[Trashcan]

Im going to try partial again tonight. Im taking my cord off the door and changing the way the knots are tied and trying again. Hopefully, this time i can push down the fear and be successful. I just cant continue going on like this.

May you find peace

 

[TooLate2582]

Cord?

 

[worldexploder]

I'm also 35 with Borderline Personality Disorder. Got a lot more diagnoses than that. Childhood related PTSD, severe anxiety and depression. They all run together.

 

[Miss clefable]

Hugs I understand :(

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I can only imagine, which is fortunate for me but unfortunate for those who have suffered as I cannot empathize in these specific ways with sexual abuse <3 I am so sorry hun <3

 

[PeachyHead]

I Just feel like it's inevitable that this is the way I'll die so why shouldn't it happen sooner rather than later? Then I'll stop hurting the people I love. I can't handle always living in fear of my own emotions.

 

[Philip]

I Just feel like it's inevitable that this is the way I'll die so why shouldn't it happen sooner rather than later? Then I'll stop hurting the people I love. I can't handle always living in fear of my own emotions.

Exactly the way I feel too.

 

[Jerryman]

I can't handle always living in fear of my own emotions.

Me 2. I can't control depressive reactions to triggers. The depressive reactions ruin my life and cause me make bad decisions. Im at the point now where i fear how I'm going to feel. If I knew I only had a year or so left to live I would mind so much. It's another 40 years worth that frightens me the most.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Anyone else here with this problem?
35, female, USA
Sexual abuse, Physical abuse, Mental abuse survivor.
BPD, PTSD, MDD, GeneralizedAD, SocialAD

37 woman that often feels like a child.
Borderline, ( so they say) avpd, some social anxiety, Gad, Depersonaliaztion, derealization, functioning addict of whatever I can get with out too much socialization, attachment issues, extreme isolation. Just fucked up.

I don't remember ever NOT having a concept of sex. I think i had a sticker on my head. All types of traumatic experiences before i hit double digits. It just went downhill from there.

You don't have to keep fighting. There's nothing to be won. Let those that love it have this shit.

Biggest virtual hug ever!

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I have BPD and constant suicidal ideation, and have often wished someone would give me permission to do it.

Then I think if they gave it, I'd cuss them out and stay to stick it to them. I think everyone hates me until they say something nice, then 10 minutes later I'll think of how they didn't mean it and they really still hate me.

Im convinced 90% of the users on this site already have me blocked.

I was 8 years old living in Michigan with my aunt. She went to church heavy ( traded one addiction for another). I was the new cute kid that all the teenage girls wanted babysit.

One of favs (can't remember her name) convinced my aunt to let me spend the day with her. Her and her mom came to pick me up and the girl insisted i sit on her lap. I felt so damned loved and special. On the ride back, of course i asked if i could sit on her lap. She said, "no get in the back".
I was crushed and it was that moment that i started to believe I'm only tolerable for a short period of time.

30 years later, i still suffer from that anxiety if i find myself feeling close to someone. They'll leave me soon. So what do i do, - i push them away. Or get ghost on them because they can't REALLY still like me.
It can make for lonely crazy existence.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I hate myself the most for caring that other people hate me. I'm 35, too. You'd think by this age, we'd be smart enough to stop caring. For a while, I thought I was.

But I'm not.

I completely understand.

I don't care as long as I'm alone. I try to remind myself I'm no shittier than the next person.

But i have to go to work. Im convinced they hate me. It makes me hate them, so they really start to hate me. I'm getting so close to just leaving. And then leaving.

 

[TooLate2582]

Sounds like I'm watching to myself talk to people.

People tolerate me because they need things from me. If I didn't do for them, then they'd have no use for me at all.

I like the idea of friends so I let myself be used then get mad because I let myself be used