
awaitinglove
lost in my head
- Apr 30, 2023
- 45
TBH I've been taking so many substances to feel something and it has been TOUGH. A little back story, I dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harm since 10, and I was in and out of therapy. I got diagnosed with BPD at 17 and even before then my life was shit but at 17 I guess I had an explanation for being the way I am. Before I even turned 20 I stopped dating because I felt much happier due to my BPD being under control lol. TBH I don't want to live a life where the only happiness will come from feeling loved by others or not receiving ANY love. I realized my BPD would come out when I would get into any romantic relationship, or at least try to. Anyways, I'm near 21 and feel some type of way, like I just hate myself just as much as I love did when I was 10. I'm trying to start dating but of course my BPD makes it so hard for me to even make it a day talking to people and not completely losing control. I love that I love to love but also hate that I love to love. I just wish I felt "normal" (whatever that means). I'm just ranting rn. I think about my plan to end it all everyday and for some reason I'm not scared or anything. If i had access to it right now I would do it. It's just tough not being able to do anything about my pain in this current moment. I hope to rest one day and finally escape the pain I've been feeling for a decade.