Venting bpd and avoidant attachment

[true-ending]

my best friend (and just about *everyone* i've ever been friends with) is heavily avoidant and has been offline, completely ghost, for the last 4 days. he does this fairly frequently, so i'm used to it, but i'd be lying if i said i don't worry he won't come back. on one hand losing him would make it easier for me to kill myself, but i don't have a method lined up and he's the one cure in the world to the poison of time. i don't think he loves me like i love him, because i don't know if anyone can love me, but sometimes when he goes offline for too long i get my blades out and i make grand sacrifices to him. sometimes i pray to any god i think might listen to bring him back to me and i wonder- if he knew would he feel sick? if he really knew, outside of vague "blood sacrifice" jokes, if he *knew*, would he hate me? does he already?

i'm a complete shut-in, so i only know him online, but every time he disappears i wonder if this is his death, or his social death. he doesn't have the- not strength not bravery, but perhaps sickness- to cut himself or try to kill himself like i do, but every day i wonder. i've taken the pages of disappearing out of his book, so when does the day he takes a page out of mine roll around? i'm scared. i love him and i know he'll never really love me. he's my best frisnd and he made my life worth living but if he leaves me i can't. he made my life worth living and he'll make my life worthless on the day he leaves me. i love him too much.