Story Bought SN but cancelled the order

[SanguineShark]

I got scared, of myself, I'm afraid of having it in my house.. I am very suicidal, but I can't.. It's so scary to have something in your house that you own with the intention to kill yourself
I feel stupid because I whine so much about how much I want to die, but when I actually take steps to do it.. I just suddenly start panicking about it
Where's this supposed will to live coming from? I guess it's a bit like a wake-up call..

 

[アホペンギン]

I'm only suggesting a hypothetical scenario here, but, this seems like your SI possibly influenced your decision to cancel the order for SN. And now your willingness to live has been influenced by the SI as well. SI does such things.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I'm only suggesting a hypothetical scenario here, but, this seems like your SI possibly influenced your decision to cancel the order for SN. And now your willingness to live has been influenced by the SI as well. SI does such things.

Agreed, and even if someone gets their hands on sn, something may still stop them.

 

[SanguineShark]

I'm only suggesting a hypothetical scenario here, but, this seems like your SI possibly influenced your decision to cancel the order for SN. And now your willingness to live has been influenced by the SI as well. SI does such things.

Probably, yeah
I wouldn't be surprised if I try to order it again at some point

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's a big step to actually acquire the lethal means. It's okay if you're not ready for that.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Probably, yeah
I wouldn't be surprised if I try to order it again at some point

It's OK, even I had my hesitation but went for it one day outta the blue without thinking about it but when I got my sn in hand, it was pretty surreal that there was definitely a part of me that wanted to do it.

 

[SanguineShark]

Agreed, and even if someone gets their hands on sn, something may still stop them.

I guess it just feels weird to me because like
I've been feeling like I'm at the rock bottom for half a year now, and past few days I focused on writing my suicide note and deciding if I should do it soon or in summer/spring.. but now when I'm finally doing steps towards it, I just give up and get scared

 

[_smile_]

Hey - it's perfectly okay to have ordered and change your mind. It IS a different feeling to actually have your method in your possession. Perhaps right now is just not the right time, no matter how strong the urge is to die. I do agree; it definitely sounds like a survival instinct kicking in. You will know when the time is right.

In my personal experience, I had the SN in my "shopping cart" for weeks before I actually purchased it. I needed to let my mind adjust to the fact that a peaceful ctb will become a real option in life.

It's all a process and we all move at different paces. It is life or death after all. Don't psych yourself out and don't feel shame for not being ready. You will figure it out.

 

[SanguineShark]

It's a big step to actually acquire the lethal means. It's okay if you're not ready for that.

It does feel very intense, and despite being suicidal, suicide itself is so fucking sad and tragic and I just... ghh it's just so many emotions

Hey - it's perfectly okay to have ordered and change your mind. It IS a different feeling to actually have your method in your possession. Perhaps right now is just not the right time, no matter how strong the urge is to die. I do agree; it definitely sounds like a survival instinct kicking in. You will know when the time is right.

In my personal experience, I had the SN in my "shopping cart" for weeks before I actually purchased it. I needed to let my mind adjust to the fact that a peaceful ctb will become a real option in life.

It's all a process and we all move at different paces. It is life or death after all. Don't psych yourself out and don't feel shame for not being ready. You will figure it out.

it's just.. what if I'm making a mistake? Yeah my life is full of suffering but death is irreversible and I'm just... I'm probably just saying all this shit because of SI like you guys said, I'll be back to my suicidal hopeless self in no time... I guess I just wish there was another way, I wish I could be saved and live my dreams, but I am aware how hard that is and how impossible it feels, and how nothing has changed for the better in my life for years. Not even mentioning my crippling mental disorders and disability.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

In my personal experience, I had the SN in my "shopping cart" for weeks before I actually purchased it. I needed to let my mind adjust to the fact that a peaceful ctb will become a real option in life.

This was a big one for me. To actually adjust my mind that a relative option was on the table for me.

It does feel very intense, and despite being suicidal, suicide itself is so fucking sad and tragic and I just... ghh it's just so many emotions

Very much feel you on this, it's such a range of emotions that to deal with. It's hard because you realize there is a step to take but I must also stress that even if you do get sn in the future, that doesn't mean you have to use it as if it's an obligation to fulfill.

 

[SanguineShark]

I must also stress that even if you do get sn in the future, that doesn't mean you have to use it as if it's an obligation to fulfill.

I know that and I did think about it before cancelling.. but I'm still too scared of owning it still, I either need time or when the time comes I'll do the hanging method idk

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I know that and I did think about it before cancelling.. but I'm still too scared of owning it still, I either need time or when the time comes I'll do the hanging method idk

You'll be OK, whether you choose to get it or not is your choice but if you choose not to then it's 100% understandable. It's a massive step to take at the end of the day, the realization that what you have in your possession has the potential to be lethal.

 

[SanguineShark]

You'll be OK, whether you choose to get it or not is your choice but if you choose not to then it's 100% understandable. It's a massive step to take at the end of the day, the realization that what you have in your possession has the potential to be lethal.

Thank you <3

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Thank you <3

I'm glad you feel better about it. Even for me, when I got my sn, I almost wanted to throw it right away due to the guilt of the fact that this was now in my hands to use to ctb and this was even before I obtained the meds soon after.

 

[SanguineShark]

I'm glad you feel better about it. Even for me, when I got my sn, I almost wanted to throw it right away due to the guilt of the fact that this was now in my hands to use to ctb and this was even before I obtained the meds soon after.

I understand, it is really difficult

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I got scared, of myself, I'm afraid of having it in my house.. I am very suicidal, but I can't.. It's so scary to have something in your house that you own with the intention to kill yourself
I feel stupid because I whine so much about how much I want to die, but when I actually take steps to do it.. I just suddenly start panicking about it
Where's this supposed will to live coming from? I guess it's a bit like a wake-up call..

Keeping or being around something that you see will kill you or used or be the cause of your death is terrifying.
When you want to die and find yourself quite happily and freeing to go through the steps. It's alarming to see that in yourself.
The will to live is inherent in most living things. When you're mentally healthy it feels like you don't need a reason to live and you'd need a reason to die.

As far as how to fix that on a more permanent basis, I'll post eventually about it. My journey has been excessively complicated and is ongoing. Currently I'm trying medications and therapy

 

[SanguineShark]

Keeping or being around something that you see will kill you or used or be the cause of your death is terrifying.
When you want to die and find yourself quite happily and freeing to go through the steps. It's alarming to see that in yourself.
The will to live is inherent in most living things. When you're mentally healthy it feels like you don't need a reason to live and you'd need a reason to die.

As far as how to fix that on a more permanent basis, I'll post eventually about it. My journey has been excessively complicated and is ongoing. Currently I'm trying medications and therapy

It is
Honestly I got a huge wake up call, but I'm not really.. happy about it
I feel scared, I wanted to kill myself since I was 15, I never knew I'd live this long and I never planned a future for myself, I'm terrified of being mentally well
I started feeling so comfortable in that mindset of just giving up that I'm scared of changing it
I know my current anxiety will probably pass bc if 1 bad thing happens I'll be back to my old suicidal self again, as my life is still shit and I'm too weak to handle it
but I'm just very mixed up with my emotions right now, I guess the SI hit me hard
Also it's nice that you're trying to get better, I'm on medications and going to a psychologist but it doesn't help much

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

It is
Honestly I got a huge wake up call, but I'm not really.. happy about it
I feel scared, I wanted to kill myself since I was 15, I never knew I'd live this long and I never planned a future for myself, I'm terrified of being mentally well
I started feeling so comfortable in that mindset of just giving up that I'm scared of changing it
I know my current anxiety will probably pass bc if 1 bad thing happens I'll be back to my old suicidal self again, as my life is still shit and I'm too weak to handle it
but I'm just very mixed up with my emotions right now, I guess the SI hit me hard
Also it's nice that you're trying to get better, I'm on medications and going to a psychologist but it doesn't help much

If one medication isn't working, keep trying others. You might already be. As far as psychologists, some aren't effective while also sounding like they can help. I can't stress enough how important it is to shop around if you can.

Didn't plan to live past some point plenty of times, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing that's a trigger.
Finding something that you do daily and want to do when you're feeling good can help ground you when depression hits.

 

[SanguineShark]

If one medication isn't working, keep trying others. You might already be. As far as psychologists, some aren't effective while also sounding like they can help. I can't stress enough how important it is to shop around if you can.

Didn't plan to live past some point plenty of times, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing that's a trigger.
Finding something that you do daily and want to do when you're feeling good can help ground you when depression hits.

Trust me, I know all of this already
but sometimes knowing doesn't mean it's helping much

 

[Yakamoz]

I got scared, of myself, I'm afraid of having it in my house.. I am very suicidal, but I can't.. It's so scary to have something in your house that you own with the intention to kill yourself
I feel stupid because I whine so much about how much I want to die, but when I actually take steps to do it.. I just suddenly start panicking about it
Where's this supposed will to live coming from? I guess it's a bit like a wake-up call..

It is ok. Give life another chance.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Trust me, I know all of this already
but sometimes knowing doesn't mean it's helping much

Yea. "The knowing doesn't mean its helping". That hits, and on top of that it's so hard to even tell what if anything has an effect or what the effect is.
Effects are lagged, not isolated nor independant, and you have to take your average state over a meaningful time period.

Know of any ways to track how you're doing that doesn't require a lot of work? Asking for myself.

 

[SanguineShark]

Know of any ways to track how you're doing that doesn't require a lot of work? Asking for myself.

I once did a mood tracker where I'd draw the whole week graph on paper and color in squares and the colors were associated with my emotions
Not sure how much it helped, but I think it had it's benefits