Borderline Personality Disorder

[slowlydying2mrrw]

Hello members of SS,

I'm not sure how to start out my message (or if I know where I'm going with this), however I've been a long time lurker since 2022. The reason I became an active lurker here was when I discovered for the first time, the core effects of my BPD (Borderline Personality disorder).

I had known about it before I spiralled into my own hell. I had even thought about getting diagnosed or assessed for it, but around that time, I was considered "healthy" in my own mind, that I felt it was a distraction.

Defining "healthy" for me, was at a time where I wanted to pull myself out of a long depression state and horrible financial state from a long history of legal problems with the criminal justice system (a continual cycle of drug possession/distribution charges for about a decade) and redefine all that with meaning or purpose.

It also allowed me the space I needed to quit smoking cigarettes as I had worried about my financial ability to make ends meet vs the daily habit of destroying my lungs.

I was distracting my depression with unhealthy spending of mobile app games, secretly wishing the apocalypse came every-day.

So for me, I had to dig deeper into a hidden passion I had when I was younger - Calisthenics. For those that have never heard of it, Calisthenics is bodyweight training and during the early years of YouTube, watching people on the street performing these gravity defying tricks with their mind/muscle connection was really cool.

Watching enough human flag tricks, I developed a personal interest and obsession with Calisthenics. I wanted to combine the knowledge I could learn from that with my personal career as Massage Therapist and incorporate a form of physiotherapy for those people who live with complex pain disorders since it helped me recover from mine.

This was all back in 2018-2021. I would immerse myself in Calisthenics and life again. I got banned from the game I was playing so I felt I had no choice anyways. It was hard but I was slowly gliding back into a direction of life I never experienced.

At one point, I was at the best shape of my life. Travelling to national parks and doing the "van life" thing to get out of the bedroom isolation. I learned a new form of being reclusive from this experience as it allowed me to reconnect to nature and solitude outside of 4 walls.

Looking back, as much as I knew about BPD, I didn't realize that soon, it would have hidden impact on me. It felt easier to forget and move on.

In mid to late 2021 was when my "Collapse" really began. I don't know why or could really explain "why" I collapsed. I could replay the events of what led up to it and is always a blank mystery.

The long story short: Boy meets girl - girl flirts with boy - boy laughs it off - girl wants a sexual relationship - boy is stupid - girl wants to break things off - spiral

I know to most people, this is probably the most common situation to go through, most "normal" people don't destroy their healthy life over these scenarios. It happens every-day.

In a matter of 6-8 months, I managed to get my car repo'd, was evicted from my living situation, and lost all the work I had built up during 2019-2021 (personal training clients, physiotherapy work). I quit everything all together and became increasingly suicidal.

The physical pain of having panic attacks, withdrawal symptoms, false memories, psychosis, was truly unbearable. Psych ward only gave me setratiline, hydroxizine, trazedone, and propranolol to take the edge off..... It didn't help much in urban areas, but I learned it did ok when I was in my hiking state in the wilderness. It was only temporary and pain came back at nights during sleep.

The close friends I did have, I would feel so guilty for abusing their time to care take me since they had families too.

I got officially diagnosed in late 2021 as I couldn't bare to live not knowing if this is truly what is causing me to suffer. To the outsider/observer, it's in my head. To the participant, it's not just in my head, but it affects my literal biology.

I couldn't separate thoughts, emotions, and physical pain from my own experiences/memories. I tried therapy, medications, and slowly tried to hike/exercise again.... But like my past smoking addiction, it was harder to bring those healthy habits back.

I got to a point of desperation that one of my close friends suggested I try a South American ritual they do with the secretions of toxic frogs. I forget the name, but they burn the secretions on you and you go through a purge. The goal is to expel the bad spirits out.

It wasn't fun and it didn't work.

Ruminations, physical gut pain, constant panic attacks, and withdrawal symptoms lasted 2 years.....

To avoid making this into a pointless ramble, my thought provoking question: are there others here that have struggled with BPD and how has your experience been like?

When I was a lurker, I didn't notice too many discussions on the topic, yet this personality disorder is probably the highest at risk for suicidality amongst mental health disorders.

I'm not sure what my hopes are or the point of this thread except hopefully connect with others or see if there are others who have dealt with BPD and completely spiralled their life into their own hell?

I've wasted 5 years since the rambling of my story and sometimes I debate if giving up os easier than retrying a pattern of failures.

Thanks to those of you who have read this far. :/ :)

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I have bpd and it hasn't led to any sort of downward spiral like it has in your case it's more like it's taken so much from me that I want to die. From the point I first developed the ability to be introspective I never really had any desire to live. I survived not because I enjoyed life but because it was easier than dying, especially while I was in high school and didn't have a car. The chronic emptiness has been the worst part of bpd for me. I'm only able to feel fulfilled when I'm in a romantic relationship with someone else and that leads me to ruin friendships and romantic relationships. I become attached to others very easily and I inevitably get too close or too clingy and ruin things. I feel as if there's a hole in my heart and only the right person can fill it up and make my life worth living.

I did eventually find that person, my late girlfriend. I highly suspect she had c-ptsd and so we understood each other quite well. I loved her very deeply and we had begun talking about living together and even getting married and adopting kids in the future. Unfortunately she committed suicide in October 2025. I don't believe in soulmates but if you do then she was my soulmate. I've never been closer to another person in my life, I love her with all my heart. She reciprocated my feelings and accepted everything about me, she truly brought out the best in me. I even went into remission from bpd while we were together, though it came back after she died. There's a lot of talk about fear of abandonment with bpd but it hits so much harder when you actually have been abandoned.

I guess I've said all this to say: I understand your struggles and your feelings. I can understand why you turned to drugs to feel better, as I write this post I'm literally day drinking to deal with my shitty feelings lol. You're not alone, there are many people here who suffer from bpd. I'm sure you can find some people that will come to understand you in your offline life as well. I hope your day is going well <3.

 

[sulvumnolo]

I've been lurking here for a while, and reading this felt like looking in a mirror. I'm undiagnosed, but I live with that same chronic emptiness and the inevitable "collapse" you described. It feels like no matter how hard you try to build a life or how "healthy" you think you are, the floor just falls out eventually.
Working out used to be the only thing that kept me tethered to reality. it was my only outlet. But even that stopped working, and I finally quit completely this month. Altho maybe thinking some anabolic assistance might help lol.
I also relate heavily to the relationship dynamic. I'm going through a breakup from December that has completely leveled me. It really is heaven and hell. the highs are incredible, but the crash when it ends feels like it takes your actual life with it.
During our relationship I was the absolute best version of myself. I could focus on goals hobbies, my mind was clear and steady throughout the day. Her constant love and validation was the only thing that made me feel human. Without her I'm immediately back in this state where my mind is direction less. I literally don't care about anything. It's like I don't think anything is worth doing for myself. Now that I have this perspective of what normal me is like I'm just wondering if that'll ever be obtainable alone. I'm sorry this has lasted years for you. That's my current fear. I'm basically on day one. My suicidal ideation comes from the fear of the future. I don't want to be wondering about her. Thinking about her moving on, getting married. Having kids. All without me. The thought of having those thoughts for the next couple years is enough to make me wanna quite. I fear I will always be attached to her.

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

I have bpd and it hasn't led to any sort of downward spiral like it has in your case it's more like it's taken so much from me that I want to die. From the point I first developed the ability to be introspective I never really had any desire to live. I survived not because I enjoyed life but because it was easier than dying, especially while I was in high school and didn't have a car. The chronic emptiness has been the worst part of bpd for me. I'm only able to feel fulfilled when I'm in a romantic relationship with someone else and that leads me to ruin friendships and romantic relationships. I become attached to others very easily and I inevitably get too close or too clingy and ruin things. I feel as if there's a hole in my heart and only the right person can fill it up and make my life worth living.

I did eventually find that person, my late girlfriend. I highly suspect she had c-ptsd and so we understood each other quite well. I loved her very deeply and we had begun talking about living together and even getting married and adopting kids in the future. Unfortunately she committed suicide in October 2025. I don't believe in soulmates but if you do then she was my soulmate. I've never been closer to another person in my life, I love her with all my heart. She reciprocated my feelings and accepted everything about me, she truly brought out the best in me. I even went into remission from bpd while we were together, though it came back after she died. There's a lot of talk about fear of abandonment with bpd but it hits so much harder when you actually have been abandoned.

I guess I've said all this to say: I understand your struggles and your feelings. I can understand why you turned to drugs to feel better, as I write this post I'm literally day drinking to deal with my shitty feelings lol. You're not alone, there are many people here who suffer from bpd. I'm sure you can find some people that will come to understand you in your offline life as well. I hope your day is going well <3.

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel sad knowing you went through such a deep loss of your best friend. I hope you are finding your way back again.

I've lamented for the longest time, why I'm feeling these real pains through a pseudo experience as if I lost someone really close to me, when in fact, I knew it was nothing more than what I felt vs what they. wanted/perceptions. My suffering is stupid.

It wasn't my first relationship and dealt with worse. Recovering from my own relationship trauma sucked, but I always wondered if I was just deceiving myself during my "healthy" phase. As if I was in denial of something I knew existed but didn't understand.

I think this is sometimes the internal mind-set trap of BPD - we yearn to find connection, wishing it would fix us, then hope for a happy ending.

I appreciate you telling your story and personal experience with BPD. I hope your day is going well. I'm trying to hang in there, thank you. :)

I've been lurking here for a while, and reading this felt like looking in a mirror. I'm undiagnosed, but I live with that same chronic emptiness and the inevitable "collapse" you described. It feels like no matter how hard you try to build a life or how "healthy" you think you are, the floor just falls out eventually.
Working out used to be the only thing that kept me tethered to reality. it was my only outlet. But even that stopped working, and I finally quit completely this month. Altho maybe thinking some anabolic assistance might help lol.
I also relate heavily to the relationship dynamic. I'm going through a breakup from December that has completely leveled me. It really is heaven and hell. the highs are incredible, but the crash when it ends feels like it takes your actual life with it.
During our relationship I was the absolute best version of myself. I could focus on goals hobbies, my mind was clear and steady throughout the day. Her constant love and validation was the only thing that made me feel human. Without her I'm immediately back in this state where my mind is direction less. I literally don't care about anything. It's like I don't think anything is worth doing for myself. Now that I have this perspective of what normal me is like I'm just wondering if that'll ever be obtainable alone. I'm sorry this has lasted years for you. That's my current fear. I'm basically on day one. My suicidal ideation comes from the fear of the future. I don't want to be wondering about her. Thinking about her moving on, getting married. Having kids. All without me. The thought of having those thoughts for the next couple years is enough to make me wanna quite. I fear I will always be attached to her.

The thing that scares me the most is with my BPD, my false memories started after the break up and I was creating intimate events that never happened. It scares me a lot because people, like you, who've had a deep and intimate connection, go through a loss, that is a real thing.

I know deep down that my loss story isn't that deep or personal, but I can't explain the collapse or why it runs so deep, despite treatment and awareness.

I can relate to your workout story because it was such a deep passion for me at the time I wanted to restore the version of myself I despised, that I was breathing it everyday. After the event, it vanished into thin air. It wasn't because I missed her, even though my emotions said otherwise, but more so, a sign of physical and mental failure that I couldn't get past. The pain of waking up was real and working out didn't help it.

Eventually I was able to get prescribed benzos, which helped a lot with the physical illness, but the mental one has been harder. I can only say, focus on you, not finding others to rebalance you.

I found for me, it's mentally tempting to want to be in a new relationship, then nothing but bad happens, then cycle 1 is cycle 0.

I hope your day is well and you heal soon. You didn't do anything wrong.