Discussion Borderline/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder

[brokerofsecrets]

I've seen so many people post that they have BPD/EUPD during the time I've lurked the forums and the short time I have registered and contributed myself. I suffer with BPD (I'm in the UK, so generally the diagnosis is labelled EUPD rather than borderline) and I haven't really seen a resource or a thread for people to come out and discuss their personal experiences with EUPD.

For me, EUPD is a huge part of why my quality of life is so poor, it's ruined relationships with everyone I've been close to because I just end up being awful towards them eventually, it's the one reason I feel an extreme sense of self-hatred and I experience strong delusions that everyone I meet has less-than-great intentions and wants to harm me in some way. I'll be the first to admit too, that my PD is the reason I've had 13 suicide attempts in the last 6 months, 9 OTC medication overdose, 1 prescription overdose, 2 bridge-jump threats resulting in police intervention and MHA section, and my most recent attempt of hanging. BPD/EUPD is by nature extremely impulsive, and although my first 12 attempts were out of pure impulse mid-breakdown my last attempt and current plans I have seriously considered for a little while, and it doesn't feel like it's an impulse, it almost feels methodical and having the capacity to make an informed choice without too much emotional interference is so liberating for me.

what's everyone else's experience with BPD/EUPD and how has it affected your life, is it the reason you want to CTB or is there something else?

 

[BridgeJumper]

Yes, it affects me.
I had 35 hospital stays in 2 countries.
I tried to jump off a 35m bridge 3 times and jumped off a 15 m one twice. Lost count of my suicide attempts, but they go in hundreds. Trains, windows, ropes and electric sockets. In a way heroin junkies shoot up to get a release, I release my feelings in trying to kill myself. Everybody but my dad slowly distanced themselves for me, it scared them. I was only 13 when I tried to choke myself out with my bare hands. Sitting on the railing gives me an adrenaline rush that allieviates the hopelesness for 0.01 seconds
I rock back and forth with headphones on, imagining wild fantasies of how Ill jump, break everything in my body, be pronounced dead, covered with a sheet, everything. When Im getting worse I can do it for hours
Theres not a single part on my body not covered in cuts. I can never wear anything short sleeved anymore. My impulses go to drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, self harm, one at a time just switching places. Too many nights spent dirty and in substance binges, naked and scrubbing blood off the bathtub. Starving myself till I can no longer eat or drink because I just vomit it up and faint. My only healthy outlet is art.
And on top of that I have schizoaffective bipolar. Its not fun loosing touch with reality for weeks and just waking up one day from a giant hallucination. Pictures I took and drawings I made through that time,and not remember ever making terrify me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There are one or two BPD discussion threads in off topic. :)

 

[Jessamine]

Yes I was diagnosed EUPD last year. People haven't heard so much of that I find, so I just say bpd. I'm in the uk too.
I guess I was relieved with the diagnosis as a lot made sense.. but then I thought well what now? I'm on active review and waiting for group therapy, also on sertraline. Something inside me is constantly seeking drama in such a self destructive way. If I'm not in some sort of dramatic or dangerous situation in life then I'm bored. I'm an alcoholic, have eating disorders, self harm and intense up and down mood swings. Life is a constant cycle of intensity followed by a crash usually taking people with me who've had the misfortune to get involved with me.
The judgement I've had from the few people I have told has been a pile of crap.. my sister ceased contact as she obviously doesn't know what to say to me anymore!!
My only solace is knowing I'll either ctb or drink myself to death in the near future.