SilverTiger
Life is the night, I seek the warmth of the sun.
- Apr 18, 2024
- 106
Hello SaSu.
It has been one month since I have even looked at this site, this month has been exceptionally hard, I've got borderline personality disorder and each of the four weeks of this month I have had multiple episodes... I'm male and 26 for context.
I met someone on 4chan, talking about firearms and added him on discord at the start of the month, I have done quite odd sexual things with him, multiple times this month I have went on calls / text with him and ended up crying and screaming and begging for him to save me from myself. He had an ex with BPD so knows how to deal with me, but he has become my favourite person. I mean this when I say it, I truly believe it, I think he is god's gift to me, I basically made him my boyfriend, but I am paranoid he is going to abandon me, even though I now know where he lives, what he looks like and what his full name is. I still feel like he is going to walk away from
I go on alt-chans a lot, and I ended up meeting multiple older men there, where very interested in my self harm, I needed someone to talk to as I felt empty and in my infinite wisdom, I started to cut my wrists, so these older men could use me for sexual gratification, I begged and pleaded for them to stay with me and not toabandon me, as there was warm blood down my arms. I cut quite badly and ended up bleeding all over my shirts and desk so these men wouldn't leave me, but all three ended up ignoring me after finishing.
I went out with my Ph.D. supervisor, (no fault to him, hes a fantastic man) and he kept getting me ciders as I never had one before and it tasted fucking amazing, I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and he saw my fresh self harm scars, and like a fucking idiot I told him I use to sexually roleplay with when I was 13 with older men over Skype / Omegle and now I am paranoid that he is going to "care" and report me for self harm and me being abused as a child, I don't care either of these happened I just didn't want anyone to know.
I was a fucking idiot and also told two friends I had, that I was assaulted as a child, I never wanted this to be found out by my friends, but these two people now know that I am fucked behind repair because of what my family did to me.
I fucked up really badly this month, and have paid the price for it in blood, new scars and letting people know more about me then I ever wanted them to.
Borderline is a person, someone who has known me since I was a child and someone who has his hands around my throat and is squeezing as hard as he can, I am not strong enough to fight him off.
The two people I told about what happened as a child, are now forcing me to go to therapy and get mood stabilizers, but I don't want this, I don't want to be the play thing of some strange psychiatrist woman or man.
4chan has a word for people like me "BPDemons" in reference to the damage we cause to others.
This has reinforced my will to die, not just for my sake, friends sake
It has been one month since I have even looked at this site, this month has been exceptionally hard, I've got borderline personality disorder and each of the four weeks of this month I have had multiple episodes... I'm male and 26 for context.
I met someone on 4chan, talking about firearms and added him on discord at the start of the month, I have done quite odd sexual things with him, multiple times this month I have went on calls / text with him and ended up crying and screaming and begging for him to save me from myself. He had an ex with BPD so knows how to deal with me, but he has become my favourite person. I mean this when I say it, I truly believe it, I think he is god's gift to me, I basically made him my boyfriend, but I am paranoid he is going to abandon me, even though I now know where he lives, what he looks like and what his full name is. I still feel like he is going to walk away from
I go on alt-chans a lot, and I ended up meeting multiple older men there, where very interested in my self harm, I needed someone to talk to as I felt empty and in my infinite wisdom, I started to cut my wrists, so these older men could use me for sexual gratification, I begged and pleaded for them to stay with me and not toabandon me, as there was warm blood down my arms. I cut quite badly and ended up bleeding all over my shirts and desk so these men wouldn't leave me, but all three ended up ignoring me after finishing.
I went out with my Ph.D. supervisor, (no fault to him, hes a fantastic man) and he kept getting me ciders as I never had one before and it tasted fucking amazing, I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and he saw my fresh self harm scars, and like a fucking idiot I told him I use to sexually roleplay with when I was 13 with older men over Skype / Omegle and now I am paranoid that he is going to "care" and report me for self harm and me being abused as a child, I don't care either of these happened I just didn't want anyone to know.
I was a fucking idiot and also told two friends I had, that I was assaulted as a child, I never wanted this to be found out by my friends, but these two people now know that I am fucked behind repair because of what my family did to me.
I fucked up really badly this month, and have paid the price for it in blood, new scars and letting people know more about me then I ever wanted them to.
Borderline is a person, someone who has known me since I was a child and someone who has his hands around my throat and is squeezing as hard as he can, I am not strong enough to fight him off.
The two people I told about what happened as a child, are now forcing me to go to therapy and get mood stabilizers, but I don't want this, I don't want to be the play thing of some strange psychiatrist woman or man.
4chan has a word for people like me "BPDemons" in reference to the damage we cause to others.
This has reinforced my will to die, not just for my sake, friends sake
