NSFW body dysmorphia is a bitch haha

[deadpornstarr!]

i was at a friend's house a couple days ago . holy shit we were looking at a group chat on his pc just laughing at the memes, and scrolled past One post from one of his transfem friends showing off how big her thighs were and how sexy that is and i was just immediately in such a bad mood for like the next entire hour i couldnt concentrate at all on anything fun we were trying to do .

like i dont know why i care so much , i dont even like sex it just feels violent since the abuse ive experienced . but still the thought that im not desirable , like even within the conventions of other transfem ppl im not desirable idk it makes me feel so suicidal like holy shit . i got over it eventaully and we played guitar hero so that was fun but like fuuuuuck -v-''

and i bet a solid amount of whats causing it too is just this lasting internalized objectification bullshit that got like implanted in my thoughts . because when i was like 14 and i figured out that i was trans ofc i went online looking for like other ppl who understand i mean i wanted to be able to express myself . but like every single one of our pages is overrun w perverts talking about sexual shit making it sound cool , its just like fully permanently etched into my fucking thoughts anymore , that im worthless if im not just the most subservient slutty girl i cant be , icant coexist with this i cant do it . i hate people i hate them i

anyway i woke up this morning from a dream where i was playing mario 64 w a super cute girl and like . even in my subconscious dreamland even she thought i was socially awkward LMAO

tried texting with my found-fam mom again because ive been missing her a ton but , idk we still seem mostly incompatible , idk , thinking i should probably just give up and move on and forget about ever getting to hug her again

 

[ZwartHartje]

You should remember, YOU are not your body. You are consciousness. Personally I've always felt this human body is just something I'm trapped in. I've sometimes wondered how trans people could even exist if materialism was true and we actually were only our bodies - I mean, many trans people state that they're "in the wrong body," which implies that our bodies are something like temporary vessels or vehicles.

Myself I'm coming much from the other side, born female but back as a teenager I lived as a trans man for a while, until I realized I don't want to actually be a man either. I just wanted to be physically strong and not inferior to men in this regard, plus I don't want males to take an interest in me, because I'm asexual and I've always despised anything to do with sex. It was hard to figure that out, because "asexual" wasn't in the common vocabulary, it was something that I was told "doesn't exist."

It's sad that human society is this way. You shouldn't have yourself defined by what other people think of you. Only you are the one who has to live in your body, and you should try to be as comfortable in it as you can, no matter what others think.
I had to think of a video I saw a long time ago about a trans woman who had only half a body - she had been born with this birth defect, the whole bottom half of her body was basically missing, she had no legs at all and was walking on her hands around the house, and using a skateboard to get around outside. What a fate - but she mastered it amazingly, and lived with a boyfriend who loved her. I think they lived in India.

 

[yxmux]

i share your hatred towards those kinds of spaces. it's made me more suspicious of other trans women in the sense that it's harder to say that it's in my better interest to interact with them. i don't feel like risking being engulfed by this culture of objectifying and sexualizing yourself and adopting these regressive mannerisms as a means to assert your femininity. it's frankly nauseating having to navigate my way through these demands while my ego simultaneously tells me that i ought to succumb to them if i am a trans woman. to be fair, i used to be a bit like this as well, but it never became very self-destructive luckily. i almost feel like it's a rite of passage for most people when they figure out that they're trans women. either that and/or having a truscum arc or some shit.

 

[deadpornstarr!]

i share your hatred towards those kinds of spaces. it's made me more suspicious of other trans women in the sense that it's harder to say that it's in my better interest to interact with them. i don't feel like risking being engulfed by this culture of objectifying and sexualizing yourself and adopting these regressive mannerisms as a means to assert your femininity. it's frankly nauseating having to navigate my way through these demands while my ego simultaneously tells me that i ought to succumb to them if i am a trans woman. to be fair, i used to be a bit like this as well, but it never became very self-destructive luckily. i almost feel like it's a rite of passage for most people when they figure out that they're trans women. either that and/or having a truscum arc or some shit.

yeah i relate to this all immensely . i used to be fully going along with it all but i was groomed into it ... i mean , i was young and impressionable and taught by a bunch of adults that being a hypersexual creature is the way to be cool , so i dont think theres another word for it at that point rlly <w<

its so many weird gross feelings lol . i just always feel like i sound so transphobic being such a hater of that whole subset of internet culture . i mean it does sound super transphobic right ? being like "yeah trannies r cool except for 90% of the ones you see online . eh idk im just too self-loathing maybe .

i guess im glad people dont easily buy into the largely-false negative rumors around us . but now when i try to share the story of the most thoroughly traumatic experience of my life , people think im lying because the girl that pedo'd on me shares a pride flag with me ~v~" ok .

its such a shame that so many people think expressing femininity means objectification and submissiveness and all these things . it feels so anti-feminist . its sad :(

 

[Ashu]

I was traumatized when I discovered the truth about circumcision at the age of thirty, and that trauma has remained a primary reason for hating my life. The sense of being physically and psychically mutilated, incomplete, inauthentic... no one who has not suffered it can understand, we are always in danger of collapsing, of feeling that we simply cannot bear our incompleteness a moment longer.