I've been a self-harmer for a decade now and I want to CTB by bleeding out. I want to make it look like I accidentally bled out while cutting. As I've often lost over 1L of blood at once from cutting, and I usually cut quite deep, my therapist is already worried I'll die by accident. This means that if it should fail, I could simply say it was just my "normal" self-harm and they would believe it.
When I cut, I normally let it bleed as much as it wants to, meaning that I don't stop the bleeding. It has to stop on its own. One time, mostly out of curiosity, I cut an artery in my arm and held it under running warm water to make it bleed for as long as I could. After a while, I got a strong headache, I felt like I had to throw up and use the toilet at the same time, I felt dizzy, my skin turned pale and clammy, it was hard to breathe, my heart felt like it was going crazy, and I nearly fainted. I felt so weak that I had to lie down on the floor, and my SI kicked in and I felt extremely anxious. But I still didn't stop the bleeding, I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. I knew the bleeding would stop on its own soon and that I wouldn't die, so maybe that's how I managed to avoid interfering with it. Or maybe I just didn't care enough about my own safety even though my SI kicked in.
Anyway, this experience has led me to believe that I could handle bleeding out. I don't think it's a good method for people who aren't already used to losing large amounts of blood and cutting deep, but perhaps it could work for me. However, I don't want to cut my neck or in the groin area, nor do I want to cut through the muscles in my thighs to reach the femoral artery there. I don't have any blood thinners or similar, the only "medicine" I have are paracetamol and ibuprofen. (I overdosed on paracetamol as a form of self-harm once, I took 20g and then called the ER after a while. Other than a night of throwing up in a hospital bed plus an IV, and the boredom of staying there for a few days, it wasn't so bad.)
So how do I make cutting my arms as likely to kill me as possible? I can easily reach some arteries without cutting too much into nerves (I only have some slight nerve damage, I've gotten good at precision). And at this point I don't really care if I mess up my left arm (it's looking so awful that I have considered amputating it on my own anyway). I'll only have about 1 hour in the bathroom before they'll come knocking at the door (I live with someone). I only have a shower and the warm water tank isn't very big. I've thought about letting the shower run cold water (so they'll think I'm in the shower) while actually holding my arm under running warm water in the sink. And then when I'm starting to feel faint, I'll move over to the shower and lie down there while having warm water pouring over me. It should theoretically look like I was just cutting in the shower, accidentally fainted and bled out.
What are the chances of this actually working? I know normally they would be slim, but I've tried to increase them as much as I can with what I have. Are there other things I could do to make it more likely to work?
I've read through some older threads here on SS, but the ones I read tended to have a lot of replies about the pain and such... I know from experience that I don't mind the pain, therefore I feel that it isn't relevant to my case. They also seemed concerned with how you'd even cut that deep - but the secret for me is just to go slow, cut many times in the same cut, and be as precise as you can. The first few cuts can be slightly painful but once you reach fat it's all good, it'll be painful when you hit something else but usually that pain is sharp and sudden, not dull and lingering. It also helps to rip out some pieces of fat to better be able to see what you're doing. I do still get random shots of pain though, so it's not completely "safe", but you get the idea.
And just to make sure everyone got it: yes, I know it will probably be painful and directly awful. But so what? I'll only die once, then it'll be over. I never really got the obsession with making it painless. I'm not judging anyone though, if that's making it easier for them then that's good - and I guess nobody (other than me) actually deserves all that pain anyway.
When I cut, I normally let it bleed as much as it wants to, meaning that I don't stop the bleeding. It has to stop on its own. One time, mostly out of curiosity, I cut an artery in my arm and held it under running warm water to make it bleed for as long as I could. After a while, I got a strong headache, I felt like I had to throw up and use the toilet at the same time, I felt dizzy, my skin turned pale and clammy, it was hard to breathe, my heart felt like it was going crazy, and I nearly fainted. I felt so weak that I had to lie down on the floor, and my SI kicked in and I felt extremely anxious. But I still didn't stop the bleeding, I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. I knew the bleeding would stop on its own soon and that I wouldn't die, so maybe that's how I managed to avoid interfering with it. Or maybe I just didn't care enough about my own safety even though my SI kicked in.
Anyway, this experience has led me to believe that I could handle bleeding out. I don't think it's a good method for people who aren't already used to losing large amounts of blood and cutting deep, but perhaps it could work for me. However, I don't want to cut my neck or in the groin area, nor do I want to cut through the muscles in my thighs to reach the femoral artery there. I don't have any blood thinners or similar, the only "medicine" I have are paracetamol and ibuprofen. (I overdosed on paracetamol as a form of self-harm once, I took 20g and then called the ER after a while. Other than a night of throwing up in a hospital bed plus an IV, and the boredom of staying there for a few days, it wasn't so bad.)
So how do I make cutting my arms as likely to kill me as possible? I can easily reach some arteries without cutting too much into nerves (I only have some slight nerve damage, I've gotten good at precision). And at this point I don't really care if I mess up my left arm (it's looking so awful that I have considered amputating it on my own anyway). I'll only have about 1 hour in the bathroom before they'll come knocking at the door (I live with someone). I only have a shower and the warm water tank isn't very big. I've thought about letting the shower run cold water (so they'll think I'm in the shower) while actually holding my arm under running warm water in the sink. And then when I'm starting to feel faint, I'll move over to the shower and lie down there while having warm water pouring over me. It should theoretically look like I was just cutting in the shower, accidentally fainted and bled out.
What are the chances of this actually working? I know normally they would be slim, but I've tried to increase them as much as I can with what I have. Are there other things I could do to make it more likely to work?
I've read through some older threads here on SS, but the ones I read tended to have a lot of replies about the pain and such... I know from experience that I don't mind the pain, therefore I feel that it isn't relevant to my case. They also seemed concerned with how you'd even cut that deep - but the secret for me is just to go slow, cut many times in the same cut, and be as precise as you can. The first few cuts can be slightly painful but once you reach fat it's all good, it'll be painful when you hit something else but usually that pain is sharp and sudden, not dull and lingering. It also helps to rip out some pieces of fat to better be able to see what you're doing. I do still get random shots of pain though, so it's not completely "safe", but you get the idea.
And just to make sure everyone got it: yes, I know it will probably be painful and directly awful. But so what? I'll only die once, then it'll be over. I never really got the obsession with making it painless. I'm not judging anyone though, if that's making it easier for them then that's good - and I guess nobody (other than me) actually deserves all that pain anyway.
