It was suggested to me a few weeks ago that the reason I didn't do any university work or attend any classes last year, was because I'm somehow afraid of graduating and leaving behind the structure of university.
And in this we have a prime example of how people will go through so much mental gymnastics in order to blame you and twist your reality to make it fit their narrative. In fact, the reason I couldn't attend uni was because I couldn't get out of bed, and when I did it was to carry out compulsions before going back to sleep. How insulting to suggest that actually I had some sort of Peter Pan Syndrome and just didn't want to grow up.
There's no point explaining yourself to people because the gap between what you say and what enters their mind is so vast. Your words and intentions will simply disappear in the void.
At the same time people tell you to 'reach out' and that they can't help if you don't say anything, all they do is make assumptions and jump to conclusions, regardless of what you do or don't say. They say they're not mind readers, yet apparently they're also omniscient. Best to save your energy.
A teacher once described me as 'reticent' in my school report. A overly sophisticated word to use to describe a 7 year old. But as I've gotten older I've realised that people don't like not knowing. And when they don't know they fill the space with anything that puts themselves at ease, regardless of whether or not it has any basis in reality. This person found it easier to believe that I chose not to go to university, not that I physically couldn't and it was her colleagues who neglected me and refused to help, instead leaving me to rot.
Then again, even if I spelled it out in black and white, they'd still tie themselves in knots making it work for them. Because words mean nothing and everything.
The reason I don't like the word 'reticent', especially to describe a child, is because it suggests that they're intentionally withholding something, as if anyone has the right to be able to read them so easily. Even from the age of 7, people were finding fault with me, assigning some intent to my literal blankness.
Everyone is obsessed with big displays of emotion and the responsibility is on you to dance to their tune. But not too much. That's not allowed either.
Getting anyone to understand anything is a losing battle.
None of you ever knew me, and you never will. Letting go of the need to be seen has turned out to be the thing that frees me.
And in this we have a prime example of how people will go through so much mental gymnastics in order to blame you and twist your reality to make it fit their narrative. In fact, the reason I couldn't attend uni was because I couldn't get out of bed, and when I did it was to carry out compulsions before going back to sleep. How insulting to suggest that actually I had some sort of Peter Pan Syndrome and just didn't want to grow up.
There's no point explaining yourself to people because the gap between what you say and what enters their mind is so vast. Your words and intentions will simply disappear in the void.
At the same time people tell you to 'reach out' and that they can't help if you don't say anything, all they do is make assumptions and jump to conclusions, regardless of what you do or don't say. They say they're not mind readers, yet apparently they're also omniscient. Best to save your energy.
A teacher once described me as 'reticent' in my school report. A overly sophisticated word to use to describe a 7 year old. But as I've gotten older I've realised that people don't like not knowing. And when they don't know they fill the space with anything that puts themselves at ease, regardless of whether or not it has any basis in reality. This person found it easier to believe that I chose not to go to university, not that I physically couldn't and it was her colleagues who neglected me and refused to help, instead leaving me to rot.
Then again, even if I spelled it out in black and white, they'd still tie themselves in knots making it work for them. Because words mean nothing and everything.
The reason I don't like the word 'reticent', especially to describe a child, is because it suggests that they're intentionally withholding something, as if anyone has the right to be able to read them so easily. Even from the age of 7, people were finding fault with me, assigning some intent to my literal blankness.
Everyone is obsessed with big displays of emotion and the responsibility is on you to dance to their tune. But not too much. That's not allowed either.
Getting anyone to understand anything is a losing battle.
None of you ever knew me, and you never will. Letting go of the need to be seen has turned out to be the thing that frees me.
