Blah blah f**king blah!!!

[Eden2k]

I hadn't planned on posting anything on this forum. Intention was to only read through what others had posted. However, after reading several posts, I now know that many of you feel similar, if not the same to how I'm feeling/suffering right now.
Yes I am suicidal and I have felt like this for many many many years on and off but more on. I've never made a plan before to end my life , due to fear of the unknown after I die, but more so not wanting to hurt those I love by topping myself. I've got to a point now, where I don't really care how they feel, because I'm here for them but can't function. I'm not living, merely existing I suppose. I'm just a shell. I'm not in touch with my emotions. The good ones anyway. I'm so exhausted pretending to others that everything is okay, when in fact I can't take anymore. My mind, soul and body is exhausted. I feel so weak. I have literally tried everything to set my brain to "factory reset mode", but nothing has worked. Meds, talking therapies, blah blah blah. I have honestly done it all. Enough is enough.
Spend my free time searching online, ways to end it. I treat it like a part time job.

 

[Toenditall]

I'm pretty much the same way trust me when you find your method and get everything set it's a crazy feeling you'll still be suffering but it will feel like a calm peace that it won't last much longer

 

[Retched]

I hadn't planned on posting anything on this forum. Intention was to only read through what others had posted. However, after reading several posts, I now know that many of you feel similar, if not the same to how I'm feeling/suffering right now.
Yes I am suicidal and I have felt like this for many many many years on and off but more on. I've never made a plan before to end my life , due to fear of the unknown after I die, but more so not wanting to hurt those I love by topping myself. I've got to a point now, where I don't really care how they feel, because I'm here for them but can't function. I'm not living, merely existing I suppose. I'm just a shell. I'm not in touch with my emotions. The good ones anyway. I'm so exhausted pretending to others that everything is okay, when in fact I can't take anymore. My mind, soul and body is exhausted. I feel so weak. I have literally tried everything to set my brain to "factory reset mode", but nothing has worked. Meds, talking therapies, blah blah blah. I have honestly done it all. Enough is enough.
Spend my free time searching online, ways to end it. I treat it like a part time job.

I have the same part time job. For what it's worth. I am sitting here today and remembering all the mistakes I've made that led me here. The meds, the therapies, I totally understand you!

 

[Eden2k]

I meant to type earlier that I have now planned to ctb (I had to google what ctb meant) it's not for a few weeks, but may bring the date closer. Not a great deal to plan to be honest, apart from rehoming my fur-baby (cat) which is going to be the hardest thing. I just need to decide which hotel I'm going to spend my last night, but think I have an idea which one. Method, easy and accessible. Screw everything else. No note needed. I'm so f**king tired. Arrgghhh

 

[Toenditall]

I meant to type earlier that I have now planned to ctb (I had to google what ctb meant) it's not for a few weeks, but may bring the date closer. Not a great deal to plan to be honest, apart from rehoming my fur-baby (cat) which is going to be the hardest thing. I just need to decide which hotel I'm going to spend my last night, but think I have an idea which one. Method, easy and accessible. Screw everything else. No note needed. I'm so f**king tired. Arrgghhh

Choosing the right hotel is hard isn't it I spent like 3 day to choose mine I went for a 4 star one in a high building with great views thought I deserve i nice place to die in as I couldn't put my family though finding my body no matter how much I wanted to do it surrounded by all my stuff

 

[Empty Smile]

I meant to type earlier that I have now planned to ctb (I had to google what ctb meant) it's not for a few weeks, but may bring the date closer. Not a great deal to plan to be honest, apart from rehoming my fur-baby (cat) which is going to be the hardest thing. I just need to decide which hotel I'm going to spend my last night, but think I have an idea which one. Method, easy and accessible. Screw everything else. No note needed. I'm so f**king tired. Arrgghhh

I did the hotel thing a few years ago. I went to Daytona Beach FL and got a room, they put me in the 8th floor. Even though jumping isn't my method, I was leaning way over the balcony railing. Suffice to to say, I didn't do it......