Bitterness is the enemy

[JustSwingingTheD]

I'm hitting 30 in a few years. As a result of a rather difficult and unsatisfying life, i've grown more and more selfish over the years. I feel this bitterness corroding my insides like a poison, all those mental punches i've received and a few real ones too combined with all around bad genes. I have now enough experience on sadistic people that I would love to watch as a sadistic person slowly dies, whining and begging. But isn't that just a step away from being like they are? Just look at the world a bit differently, relate to people a bit differently and you are there?

All my youth I was the nicest person i knew. That's one positive thing that can be said about me. I was a real sweetheart. Unfortunately, this world has little use for sweethearts, especially unattractive male ones. I'm not that nice anymore. As time has gone by, i've slowly turned worse. At the same time i know more about life and people, but it's of little use. I'm still as unsatisfied as I ever was and now I'm also unable to feel any happiness. I was never happy, but compensated by feeling happy for others. I can't do that anymore.

This greed and bitterness that i feel, i recognize that it keeps me alive, it gives me power to live. I don't want it. I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified that if i keep living, it will grow so much that eventually i'm unable to kill myself, no matter how fucked up my situation gets. There are people like this everywhere, completely unhappy losers unable to quit playing no matter what happens, delusionally waiting for their luck to turn.

Everything is ready, i know that i want to die and I'm just hoping for a brief moment of clarity. That's all it takes really.

 

[waitingforrest]

I too feel myself growing bitter as the years pass and it scares me. I hate that I feel envy whenever I see a happy family or people spending time with each other. I feel like I'm losing a bit of my humanity everyday. I do hope that you might feel a little happiness or peace if the time comes. Being kind to others lets room for being hurt. People can be so relentless and selfish sometimes.

 

[LastFlowers]

There is nothing wrong with longing for what others are afforded so easily from the very beginning.
I understand the bitterness, it is inevitable when stuck in a position like yours (and my own).
But I see no evidence of greed from your words. Desiring the privileges, niceties, freedoms, and opportunities which have been starved of you-and thus causing happiness to become an elusive goal-is not greed, it is a simple and justifiable want and need for equality.
You deserve the same as everyone else, if not more because you have endured extensive and prolonged suffering.

You can only give what you get, if your kindness has never been returned then you will be running on empty, if empathy and sympathy have not been provided to you in the same way that they are offered to other human beings, then it makes sense that all of that tender emotion and consideration would have to turn inward (mimicking selfishness), leaving none for anyone else, because you so desperately need it for yourself, as you have gone so long without and have no other sources (besides yourself) to supply it.

I am in the same boat, it's been decades of this shit, I'm done being the generous doormat who is out of sight/out of mind..hell I'm even ignored mere inches away from a loved one's face..if not severely insulted instead.
However none of this fuels me to live, it's just more reason for me to die.
I'm not going to stick around as a blood bag or a familiar piece of furniture for others to use to feel better about themselves, when it so suits them, only to eventually be discarded entirely.

I am bitter, I am angry, I am hateful, I am all the terrible "monstrous" emotions and feelings that humans use (the existence of) to demonize one another.
But I deserve to be. I deserve to be all of these things, in the sense that I have every right to be..upset.
I do not apologize for any of them, they are there for a reason, they are there because I have suffered, because I have been treated unfairly and like that of a dog..less than a dog, less than an animal.
If I should not be these supposed "negative" emotions, then I betray myself and everything I have been through.

I have never been happy either.
All that I am is-in part-a consequence of this truth, and this truth a consequence itself-of circumstances I had absolutely no say in or escape from.
I will not deny my unhappiness for the sake of other's happiness. No more.
I have had enough.
But I am not waiting for my luck to change, I know it won't, I know it's over, I know it's been over for a long time, and that only engorges the vitriol already a flood within me.
I'm ready for that to be over, but I will never be ready to "be okay" with any of it.
I'm not.
I will die in a fit of rage and dejection, like a mortally wounded soldier on the battlefield, the only fight left being the miserable energy buzzing in the core of my being as my heart fails, with sustained disbelief that this is what the struggle for a chance at life led me to- Death.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it must be so dreadful being aware of the fact that you are getting more bitter. Living can be painful as we have to live with ourselves and our thoughts. I wish you the best in whatever happens.