Bitter Work

[Water-Lily]

I don't know what else best to title this post. But I felt it's something I need to get off my chest. And maybe I'm doing this publicly, because I desperately want someone to hear me

Today, I was watching a show called The Legend of Korra. It's the sequel to the series Avatar the Last Airbender. A very good series, and one worth checking out if you haven't (and even if you have, there's always something to see in watching it again). This was the case in a particular episode

The main character is currently at a stand still in her life. Korra, the Avatar, is traumatized. Though she is fine physically, mentally she is trapped by the traumas she faced. She would try her best to free herself, but to no avail. It was then pointed out to her that the reason she is not healing is because she is choosing to hold onto the trauma. She refutes this, but it's true. If she wanted to heal, it would have happened. The reality is that holding onto her pain gave her a reason to self isolate. It gave her a reason to runaway from herself and the people she loved. It allowed her to runaway from the responsibility of being the Avatar. If she holds onto the pain, she doesn't have to worry about any of that

But, it was taking a toll on her. The flashbacks, the inability to go anywhere without fighting visions of herself, etc. It dominated her and wore her down. Through a tough talking to, she decided that she wanted to connect to hserself. And in doing that, she begun the hard work

Despite this, she struggled. But she was back in touch with herself. Her traumas didn't hurt her as intensely and she was able to move forward. Surrounded by the people she once pushed away, and more importantly was in tune with herself

I was reminded of myself. I put on this facade of wanting to heal and process my trauma. But it's a lie. I am running away from myself. Triggering myself reading other peoples trauma stories. Trying to find meaning in a way that justifies, to myself, that I can't make it. That it's too hard for me. That I can't do it. If I hold onto my pain, I can keep mentally stuck in a way that will, hopefully, enable me to die. So I can truly escape

This…is a very warped and unhealthy mindset. But pain is all I know. And I'm afraid to do what's going to make me progress. I know there is a part of me that wants to live. I could die any time, and get here I am

I am just not ready. I don't want to face the issues inside of me. Not now, and not never. But at some point, I know I have to

I don't want to lose my pain. Who am I with out it? Who will I become? At my core, I am most afraid to live and find meaning in my life. And most importantly, the ability to self love. I am willing to throw my life away, just because I don't want it to be a reality. And every day I chose to live…I'm disappointing myself further

I'm a coward, and a pretty shitty one at that…I just want this pain to stop. I can't….do this….

 

[Pluto]

Your commentary is very insightful. I was going to point out that sometimes trauma and victimhood gives us a sense of identity which would be very uncomfortable to lose, but you have already said as much. Having an identity, even a dark one, gives us a comfort zone (albeit a hugely uncomfortable one!), without which life is so open-ended and chaotic that there's no knowing what to do with it.

I relate to having self-destructive tendencies in order to 'convince' myself to just CTB and end the misery, yet another part of me wonders if my self-assessment is all absurdity. A chaotic circle of self-doubt from start to finish.

If you want to try to step into the unknown, it can be helpful to know that nobody knows anything. All our statements are erroneous, all our thoughts are noise, all of our authorities are made up, and all our beliefs are fictional. We all pretend to know what we are doing because we are really good liars. If this can be seen clearly, you have already let go; there was never anything solid to hold onto in the first place.

 

[Disappointered]

If someone can forge a new persona that enables them to function in a manner that brings them happiness, all the better.

If someone can face the painful truth that they are not able to compete and acquire what they need to be free of misery, that it is extremely unlikely that a change will occur that allows them to be made whole and move on as a happy person, then the only option is to ctb. In that scenario, ctb is better than limping along on the road of life for years to come while others drive past and laugh at you.

 

[Water-Lily]

Your commentary is very insightful. I was going to point out that sometimes trauma and victimhood gives us a sense of identity which would be very uncomfortable to lose, but you have already said as much. Having an identity, even a dark one, gives us a comfort zone (albeit a hugely uncomfortable one!), without which life is so open-ended and chaotic that there's no knowing what to do with it.

I relate to having self-destructive tendencies in order to 'convince' myself to just CTB and end the misery, yet another part of me wonders if my self-assessment is all absurdity. A chaotic circle of self-doubt from start to finish.

If you want to try to step into the unknown, it can be helpful to know that nobody knows anything. All our statements are erroneous, all our thoughts are noise, all of our authorities are made up, and all our beliefs are fictional. We all pretend to know what we are doing because we are really good liars. If this can be seen clearly, you have already let go; there was never anything solid to hold onto in the first place.

I know living at home has a lot to do with my feelings. I am moving along the process of moving out.

Even when I do move, the trauma follows. And I'm just so scared of who I will be without pain. I was actually willing to end my life after a trigger and got hospitalized. Though I participatin group therapies and activities, I was unwilling to make space for my inner issues. Issues that still make me feel I cannot live with them. The trauma, it's not something I want to live with

 

[Pluto]

I know living at home has a lot to do with my feelings. I am moving along the process of moving out.

Even when I do move, the trauma follows. And I'm just so scared of who I will be without pain. I was actually willing to end my life after a trigger and got hospitalized. Though I participatin group therapies and activities, I was unwilling to make space for my inner issues. Issues that still make me feel I cannot live with them. The trauma, it's not something I want to live with

A very important thing is a willingness to be uncomfortable and to feel feelings that we normally do everything in our power to evade via distractions, drinking, socialising, even CTB. Almost everyone is guilty of emotional repression, though it always leads to worse outcomes in the long run.

Just letting the raw feelings be there in the body, without judging or labelling them, will bring them towards peace. This can help with very slowly processing those feelings so that they can reduce in intensity over time. It's not exactly fun, but results will show for the good work you are doing. You're not alone in this. :)

 

[Water-Lily]

A very important thing is a willingness to be uncomfortable and to feel feelings that we normally do everything in our power to evade via distractions, drinking, socialising, even CTB. Almost everyone is guilty of emotional repression, though it always leads to worse outcomes in the long run.

Just letting the raw feelings be there in the body, without judging or labelling them, will bring them towards peace. This can help with very slowly processing those feelings so that they can reduce in intensity over time. It's not exactly fun, but results will show for the good work you are doing. You're not alone in this. :)

Yeah. I don't think I want to try tho. Like I want to sit in my shit and stay in it. I almost want the trauma and shame to push me over the edge. Just so I don't ever have to deal with it anymore

 

[Forever Sleep]

Your post really resonated with me. Not sure I'm clinging on to trauma exactly but I am definitely hiding behind the thing I used to get through that initial trauma.

I became obsessed with art as a child to distract me from the other shit going on. It's always been my 'safe space.' Trouble is- I've let it (wanted it) to consume my life and all my time. It gets me out of doing things that frighten me- like socialising- I'm always 'too busy.'

It's worked pretty effectively really- 32 years of varying degrees of suicidal ideation. Reckon it would continue to work (more or less) if only it were financially viable. As it is- now and again, I am faced with the reality that I SHOULD just get some regular job again and I'm floundering. I don't really know how else to cope with life other than various obsessions like art or a few rounds of limerance.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm sure this is an unhealthy way to live. I sometimes consider that I could learn to be more 'normal' if I changed certain behaviours and faced things that frightened me. I don't want to put in the effort and go through all that discomfort though. I don't even know what I'd be aiming for. None of that 'normal' everyday life stuff appeals. CTB seems SO much more appealing.

I REALLY hope you are able to make your way through all this- in whatever way you can. Thank you for your post. It was very insightful.

 

[Water-Lily]

"I know exactly what you mean. I'm sure this is an unhealthy way to live. I sometimes consider that I could learn to be more 'normal' if I changed certain behaviours and faced things that frightened me. I don't want to put in the effort and go through all that discomfort though. I don't even know what I'd be aiming for. None of that 'normal' everyday life stuff appeals. CTB seems SO much more appealing."

This. Everything about this. And I think its why I get triggered (I am actively seeking it out) when I see people being open, especially publicly, about their trauma. Its too much for me

Jeanette Mccurdy released a book about how her mom. When I dug into the things she's publicly said, it put me in a position where she uncomfortably brought out inner feelings and discomforts. Things I didn't want to face. I was going to end my life. A "friend" called 911 and I was hospitalized back in Halloween

Even while I was at the hospital, I never addressed the trauma. I don't want to face it, or deal with it. I don't feel safe too. I think when it comes to trauma, you need to feel safe in where you are. You have to want to do it, and want to be ready. Issue is, I'm not. I know I'm not. And I hate that about myself. I want to be ready. I want to be like those who can do it. But every time I force myself (such as throwing myself into abuse groups) its too much and I start having trauma induced panic attacks. So strong, that it pushes my desire to die over the edge