Bitter and resentful

[its-about-time]

I've been so desperate throughout my life for connection. There are people who have loved me but something always blocks me from accepting that.

My fumbled attempt at the end of last year changed me. In a lot of ways I guess. I have higher walls than I've ever had before. Telling loved ones how I feel, yearning for connection, it makes me angry now. I feel so bitter. I don't feel anybody really loves me. It's all just self-serving. They only are around to make sure I don't die, to ease their own guilt over the way I am. They don't care how I'm doing. They just feel responsible for my suffering (which they're not) and feel obligated to keep me alive because of it.

That's not connection. That's not love.

I'm bitter, I feel emotionless, I feel distanced, and I feel angered by how alone we all are. I don't share personal things anymore, for months now. And I resent that. I absolutely fucking resent the position I'm in. Playing along in this game. There's no escaping it. Every decision makes me feel worse, no matter which way I go.

I don't really know what's keeping me here. Self doubt I guess. I see posts here about how you suffered when your loved one committed suicide. That's connection, right? But how can I know? I don't think I believe authentic connection exists anymore, and I'm not going to waste my time looking for it. I've wasted my life there so far.

I just don't see the point in continuing. I've been ready for awhile but continuously postpone, and that's felt okay, but now I'm quite frustrated and impatient because WHY am I postponing?! I feel I have a point to prove by dying now. I think today I could be angry enough to overcome SI and not call for help. But damn, that self doubt. It's a tough decision to make. Thanks for reading my unimportant stupid thoughts.

 

[Judy Garland]

I don't know why I'm postponing things either. There literally is nothing left in this world for me. I'm all alone in a one-bedroom apartment, and I just sit at this computer day after day. It's going to get hot here in the summer, but I don't plan on being alive then. I just had to move my CBT date because a case worker changed an appointment for later in the month of May. I don't even know why I'm waiting that long. Is it fear of what'ss going to happen next? Partly. Is it fear of failure? Partly. There is nothing here. Why am I waiting? I have the same questions.

 

[its-about-time]

I don't know why I'm postponing things either. There literally is nothing left in this world for me. I'm all alone in a one-bedroom apartment, and I just sit at this computer day after day. It's going to get hot here in the summer, but I don't plan on being alive then. I just had to move my CBT date because a case worker changed an appointment for later in the month of May. I don't even know why I'm waiting that long. Is it fear of what'ss going to happen next? Partly. Is it fear of failure? Partly. There is nothing here. Why am I waiting? I have the same questions.

It's frustrating. I've been finding random things to use as an excuse to postpone, too. I'm sure people will say "it shows you're not truly ready" or whatever. But I don't think anybody is ever 100% ready. It's just a matter of being ready ENOUGH and doing it despite the doubt or whatever. Finding excuses to postpone just takes the pressure off for a bit, so I don't have to decide right now, and it's a bit of a relief… but it's endless and I hate that.

 

[TakeMeBack07]

I don't think we can find that in this life, especially not in this current time. sharing any type of emotional vulnerability leads to people thinking less of you, probably, and then them acting accordingly

 

[its-about-time]

I don't think we can find that in this life, especially not in this current time. sharing any type of emotional vulnerability leads to people thinking less of you, probably, and then them acting accordingly

Yeah, being emotionally vulnerable has never gone well for me. I kept trying and trying and trying and every time hated myself even more. I get desperate and become overwhelming to others. So I just put the brakes full on. No more being vulnerable. Just a lot of being resentful and angry. You're probably right that we can't find it in this life. Giving up on the idea has really changed me, for the worse I think.

 

[needforvoid_]

I too hate myself. Life is not what I thought it would be, people are not. I don't know who to blame, was I too naive or they too cruel. I don't want to be here, everything is bitter. Questioning everything, like some monstrous wounded being. It was unexpected, but deep inside I perhaps know that I was always a vulnerable, inept being, no matter how beastily I looked at times. Disguisting. It's like I'm in hell already. I swear I understand people who do horrible things, I'd rather just kill myself though.
I'm not a human being anymore, just a mindless heartless shadow.

 

[its-about-time]

I too hate myself. Life is not what I thought it would be, people are not. I don't know who to blame, was I too naive or they too cruel. I don't want to be here, everything is bitter. Questioning everything, like some monstrous wounded being. It was unexpected, but deep inside I perhaps know that I was always a vulnerable, inept being, no matter how beastily I looked at times. Disguisting. It's like I'm in hell already. I swear I understand people who do horrible things, I'd rather just kill myself though.
I'm not a human being anymore, just a mindless heartless shadow.

I relate pretty hard to that. I'm sorry

 

[Al Cappella]

I can sooo relate to this. Maybe it's easier for me to go it alone, I don't know, but I'm no longer pursuing anyone, certainly not telling them anything about myself. I'm 100% doing my own thing, and if ppl want to talk to me great, otherwise fuck em.

Not that it offers much comfort, but there are a lot of folks experiencing what you are. And nothing you ever say is stupid or unimportant….

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Some people in life will just be alone.

Some will be pushed away by others and some will push people away. I am category 2 with a closed heart .

As I reflect on life as I approach CTB I have no regrets around this subject. I think my cynicism about people from early age was good. If I had done something like married and had children I could absolutely not cope with myself for bringing children into a world facing utter ruin.

My level of cynicism may at times be unhealthy but I am thankful for every experience I've had in life that put me in tune with how human beings really are and not the Disney movie vision of life long love

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that I see it some people are very selfish and they only care when it directly affects themselves. People can be very disappointing in general. Suicide really can be so difficult and the SI can certainly be frustrating. I wish there was a way to fall asleep and never wake without having to go through the ctb process. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

The way that I see it some people are very selfish and they only care when it directly affects themselves. People can be very disappointing in general. Suicide really can be so difficult and the SI can certainly be frustrating. I wish there was a way to fall asleep and never wake without having to go through the ctb process. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

I think people are becoming increasingly selfish as the world falls apart

To my memory people used to be a lot kinder. There was much more social solidarity in the pre internet times.

 

[ReallyTired]

I too hate myself. Life is not what I thought it would be, people are not. I don't know who to blame, was I too naive or they too cruel. I don't want to be here, everything is bitter. Questioning everything, like some monstrous wounded being. It was unexpected, but deep inside I perhaps know that I was always a vulnerable, inept being, no matter how beastily I looked at times. Disguisting. It's like I'm in hell already. I swear I understand people who do horrible things, I'd rather just kill myself though.
I'm not a human being anymore, just a mindless heartless shadow.

I can relate.
According to psychologists: "emotional vulnerability is the path to connection". Definitely not in my case. The greatest lesson I've learned in life so far is that vulnerability attracts predators, bullies and similar types. I really don't know how to trust people anymore. I feel like there's nothing left of me. Most of my relationships resembled a black hole that sucked me in, soaked up my goodness and spat me out when there was no longer any use in me. It felt dark, toxic and damaging - because it was. At the end I was vulnerable and my mental health spiralled. Depression, isolation and loneliness. I used to live in a fantasy world of recovery, but not anymore. Now I live in hell.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

According to psychologists: "emotional vulnerability is the path to connection". Definitely not in my case. The greatest lesson I've learned in life so far is that vulnerability attracts predators. I really don't know how to trust people anymore. I feel like there's nothing left of me. It was a black hole that sucked me in, soaked up my goodness and spat me out when there was no longer any use in me. It felt dark, toxic and damaging - because it was. At the end I was vulnerable and my mental health spiralled. Depression, isolation and loneliness. I used to live in a fantasy world of recovery, but not anymore. Now I live in hell.

I think if both of the people are emotionally vulnerable connection may happen. Due to overabundance of information about reality people today are very jaded. It's insanely common to see men and women in public that are supposedly an item pulling away from each other , they make this weird jerky movements.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Honestly, I don't feel like I can put myself out there anymore to anyone. It's just where time, experiences, and life has taken me. I've built walls around me that both protect me from further abuse, but, also, hinder me from taking part in any good things in life that are still available. It's a self-preservation mechanism. But, it only lasts so long, as the toll of isolation, loneliness, despair eventually become too much. We get robbed of any enjoyment we used to have partaking in life. We only continue for as long as we can, until we can't any longer. That's where I am.

 

[its-about-time]

Honestly, I don't feel like I can put myself out there anymore to anyone. It's just where time, experiences, and life has taken me. I've built walls around me that both protect me from further abuse, but, also, hinder me from taking part in any good things in life that are still available. It's a self-preservation mechanism. But, it only lasts so long, as the toll of isolation, loneliness, despair eventually become too much. We get robbed of any enjoyment we used to have partaking in life. We only continue for as long as we can, until we can't any longer. That's where I am.

Yes. Exactly. As another commenter said, I used to try, I put myself out there so many times, and it's landed me here. I'm unwilling to try again, or to let anyone in, but I'm not happy with this way of life either— it's just protection until I inevitably end it.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Yes. Exactly. As another commenter said, I used to try, I put myself out there so many times, and it's landed me here. I'm unwilling to try again, or to let anyone in, but I'm not happy with this way of life either— it's just protection until I inevitably end it.

Today there are too many options

People are fickle in relationships. They leave , they cheat . There is porn, home wreckers , there are prostitutes , strip clubs, etc. In USA we have a 50 percent divorce rate . We are living in late roman times as a sexual and social free for all.

If things were not so ruined I would have liked to have had the traditional life my grandparents had. They really did it old school and as far as I'm aware there was no infidelity.

When I look at the young today I view those trying to engage in serious relationships to create offspring as delusional .

 

[its-about-time]

Today there are too many options

People are fickle in relationships. They leave , they cheat . There is porn, home wreckers , there are prostitutes , strip clubs, etc. In USA we have a 50 percent divorce rate . We are living in late roman times as a sexual and social free for all.

If things were not so ruined I would have liked to have had the traditional life my grandparents had. They really did it old school and as far as I'm aware there was no infidelity.

When I look at the young today I view those trying to engage in serious relationships to create offspring as delusional .

I was the problem in my last relationship. I've loved her for around 5 years now, still do, we dated for a year and a half and broke up at the end of 2020. She ended it. She didn't cheat, she hasn't dated anyone since, she didn't leave for something better… I just wasn't good enough. She wanted to be friends. She was in love with me at first but then got to know me and saw how fucking awful I am. Nobody to blame but myself. Now she sticks around because she feels responsible for my self hatred and wants to make sure I don't off myself, because then she'd blame herself. She feels stuck with me. To this day I'm nothing but a massive fucking burden.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Today there are too many options

People are fickle in relationships. They leave , they cheat . There is porn, home wreckers , there are prostitutes , strip clubs, etc. In USA we have a 50 percent divorce rate . We are living in late roman times as a sexual and social free for all.

If things were not so ruined I would have liked to have had the traditional life my grandparents had. They really did it old school and as far as I'm aware there was no infidelity.

When I look at the young today I view those trying to engage in serious relationships to create offspring as delusional .

Hey, just to play devils advocate a little (only a little I promise), I have past-friends (they have their own lives and I'm merely a third wheel) from high school (grad 1984) that married and are still quite happy. It does still happen for some. Didn't for me. But, does for some.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I relate, the longer I live the more bitter I become, I can't take who I am. I've chased connection for so long only to have it messed up one way or the other. I want out, I'm tired of torturing myself, but I must do so once more to get out... it never ends. I feel sometimes like you said that I need to prove I can leave now. Prove to my high school self I haven't given up on the one thing I wanted.

I try not to share too much personal anymore since it's broken me in the past and I'm worse off for it. Broke me again a few days ago. Constantly breaks me that no one will ever connect with me how I want to. No one seems to want to share or have enough time, myself included. So bitter.

I don't think your thoughts are unimportant or stupid. Painful, yes. I'm sorry you also feel like this. We all suffer so much. I regret postponing as well. I regret I can't feel safe, I wanted to enjoy food and a few things before Sunday but now I don't want to break my fast even if I am able to wait until Sunday. I'm not sure when I'll have the strength and want to be ready to go whenever. I just get more bitter that nothing can go how I want, even now. There is no peaceful, perfect end that I desire. Just pain and anguish that will drive me into a corner.

 

[needforvoid_]

I can relate.
According to psychologists: "emotional vulnerability is the path to connection". Definitely not in my case. The greatest lesson I've learned in life so far is that vulnerability attracts predators, bullies and similar types. I really don't know how to trust people anymore. I feel like there's nothing left of me. Most of my relationships resembled a black hole that sucked me in, soaked up my goodness and spat me out when there was no longer any use in me. It felt dark, toxic and damaging - because it was. At the end I was vulnerable and my mental health spiralled. Depression, isolation and loneliness. I used to live in a fantasy world of recovery, but not anymore. Now I live in hell.

It really sucks that you need to be emotionally vulnerable to heal, but by doing that you put yourself in mercy of someone else and it can go very south. Sometimes I think it's just luck, bad. There's no way you can be 100% sure in judgement of people, the more sure you are when you realise you were wrong, the more fucked up it leaves you.

 

[its-about-time]

I relate, the longer I live the more bitter I become, I can't take who I am. I've chased connection for so long only to have it messed up one way or the other. I want out, I'm tired of torturing myself, but I must do so once more to get out... it never ends. I feel sometimes like you said that I need to prove I can leave now. Prove to my high school self I haven't given up on the one thing I wanted.

I try not to share too much personal anymore since it's broken me in the past and I'm worse off for it. Broke me again a few days ago. Constantly breaks me that no one will ever connect with me how I want to. No one seems to want to share or have enough time, myself included. So bitter.

I don't think your thoughts are unimportant or stupid. Painful, yes. I'm sorry you also feel like this. We all suffer so much. I regret postponing as well. I regret I can't feel safe, I wanted to enjoy food and a few things before Sunday but now I don't want to break my fast even if I am able to wait until Sunday. I'm not sure when I'll have the strength and want to be ready to go whenever. I just get more bitter that nothing can go how I want, even now. There is no peaceful, perfect end that I desire. Just pain and anguish that will drive me into a corner.

Yeah. I'm tired of myself too. I don't think suicide will be a happy experience like some here hope for- sure, it's an end to suffering, MAYBE, but that's it. I'm not going out smiling. I'm going out enraged that I hated myself so much that I couldn't stand being alive.

 

[its-about-time]

Shocking update: still bitter and resentful. Just towards myself really.

Today is my birthday. It's a real reminder that I've somehow managed to live this fucking shit for another year, and a definite urgency to not keep it up. Today feels wildly ideal to kill myself. Kind of a statement to myself. But for external reasons I really can't choose today. I dunno. Just real sick of hanging around.