d7ez
Member
- Jun 28, 2023
- 5
Hello, I recently shared some good information about recovery last year of December. Now that it's 2026, a big life event brought me down. I lost the only person who loved me while being manic. She had told me to let her go since September but we both decided to continue seeing each other secretly while she told me she felt guilt. After a while she got used to it, we would go on dates and better understand my diagnosis. She seemed fond of me, and I stayed stable, going to therapy, and doing the impossible to be who I was before Bipolar took over my life. I would've treated her the way I did when manic, and I regret it so much. So stable, I managed to make her happy and it was going smooth. I would always ask if she was okay and we would kiss, just like a regular couple. It felt like we were dating for the past months ever since I left the psych unit. From September up until January. She had to go home since it was the end of her classes in college and she'd return for the next semester in January so we said bye and told me to promise her I wouldn't be sad or miss her. She had worried I'd relapse. I did the impossible, stayed on track and things were going smooth. She would miss me and I would too. Suddenly, she would stop replying, leaving me on delivered for hours a day, barely emotions and dry text. She said it was normal, and I didn't want to be that annoying person I was when something was off so I told her it was fine. It's her life not mine she is busy I can't control her. I knew something was off and it was starting to eat me alive. She hadn't texted me for hours this one day I was out and just went about my day to distract myself with my aunt. That following night I told her how it affected me ( her presence not being there ) and she was glad I took that day to feel okay. She asked to text tmr for something and I straight up knew what it was. She told me later on she wanted to end things with me since September, and was feeling guilty this entire time. My whole world crashed down and I was spiraling, weeping my soul out. I felt betrayed. All those months she helped me and held me tight. I never once made her feel bad and made her happy. Were those smiles and laughters fake? Was seeing me fake? Was it all forced. She told me about fucking marriage and how I'd ask her parents since they don't like me and the idea of her daughter marrying a woman. We were extremely intimate with one another for months , taking me to NYC, celebrating my birthday and rode the biggest Farris wheel together. All those days together being pure amazing and not one day where my bipolar made it inconvenient. I really thought she saw me and the future but all she saw was the past and I guess she couldn't separate my illness and my me. It pains me how my life from the beginning is crashing my present life. The damage from childhood to adult hood. I feel guilty, I want to yell at her for deceiving me, but the way I was ….? What gives me the right to say anything, she feels resentment for a reason, and I hate how I'm stuck and this remorse is eating me alive so bad. I've been cutting myself, I cold turkey my lithium and I've noticed my old behavior again. I genuinely want to kill myself and the cutting won't stop. I was fine those two weeks until it's been these 2 weeks of pure fucking suffering, sleeping til 6 am, little to no appetite, irritated, depressed and smoking / drinking. I feel scared and useless. I don't know who else to vent to. Almost 7 years together down the drain thanks to me too. If I ever commit suicide I wouldn't want her to ever find out about my death. I know she'll resent me more for ruining her life if I took my own life. I want to die. I want to shoot myself. If I had a gun right now I'd pull the trigger without second thoughts. I'm trying to find an opening, something to end things since I'm holding on by a thread and cutting myself is preventing worse damage . She'd hate me if she saw the state I am now. I hate being fucked in the head… I won't ever live a normal life like this. I suck at college work is horrible I'm isolating myself already. I'm not ready and was never ready. I'm so sorry to anyone who I bothered or hurt by my behavior. I wish no one meets a person like me and I wish her happiness. I hope we meet again and try again, but I fucked up. If I end my life I hope someone else can feel encouraged to find help or help a person they know struggling. I'm so sorry.
