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ontheedge81

Member
Dec 10, 2020
14
Recently got a second diagnoses of Bipolar I after realizing I was manic for months and hit that depressive wall.

Any advice...any reason for hope...med combos that worked...anything that might be helpful.
Im in a dark fucking place here and know I’m not alone but think I still want to live...that depressed bastard is just sucking my life force away and suicidal ideation is huge. Tons of significant stressors current and immediate future are in my way that only contribute to the depressive state...

is there light again? When I was this dark before there were other health factors as well as significant life stressors and I came out of the darkness for awhile but never fully got back to a full color scheme...it was a shade of grey for the most part.
 
CoalmineCanary

CoalmineCanary

Member
Jul 15, 2020
478
There is a light at the end of the tunnel with the right medication, therapy, and hyper self-awareness about one's moods. Many people are able to function and live normal lives with this disorder. Many famous people have bipolar and it didn't stop them from their accomplishments.

Please remember there are examples of success despite this illness.

I wish I could offer you more a more hopeful answer but after my last episode I am in no position to give anyone any kind of advice. That dark fucking place is where I'm at right now and the suicidal idealization is a daily fucking war. My past episodes led to months of depression after and has nearly killed me. My episodes become psychosis and have become worse over the years which is why I wish to exit soon.

Good luck and welcome.
 
Antigonish

Antigonish

Mage
Sep 19, 2020
591
I've never been officially diagnosed, so technically I mentally well. I'm too scared and too poor to actually seek professional help. So unfortunately I just live with the constant screaming pit of hell that is my mind. Sometimes I'm barely ok, and other times km definitely not okay... but thats just how it will be until my untimely death. Someday me and the radio static that is my shitty brain, will go fading into that good night.
Sorry I couldn't really help
 
SorrySandy

SorrySandy

Æmber
Nov 15, 2020
45
Recently got that diagnosis too. Ive never experienced a manic episode like the one I had over the summer so I never thought I had this. A ground swallowing up, social justice warrior type manic episode, sparked by real life events this year that I do believe in, where I got arrested (for running off with a v dodgy guy I’d just met and someone in my life freaked out, also I’d threatened violence the day before) That’s not who I am, so totally out of character. I somehow made it through 3 mental health act assessments, two while in custody. Episode also involved alcohol and I hardly drink normally. For some reason I felt I had to show different counties support by buying their national drink and generally doing shots. I mean in a Jewish graveyard with tequila on one occasion. I’m not Jewish or Mexican or anything, just felt drawn to every country, religion and was aiming for world peace somehow. I just read on Sinead O Connors Twitter, she a
apologised for a recent rant and called herself a full-on crazy b****. Yeah... me too love, I’ve tried to be normal all my life and for years at a time managed it to the outward world.

During episode I was telling them I didn’t want their help, they’ve never been able to help me in all those years, I know myself best and that if they needed some advice on improving their services and how to engage with people that’s the only way I’d engage with them. Yes, grandiose, as they’ve described, but also based on some truth imo. So I refused their services. medication and it took 3 months to come down from that and fully recognise that was a manic episode and my two bipolar friends were in fact right, I do have it after all.

So the moment I reached out for help I had to start afresh through the gp, which is where a gp carelessly told me that on my notes it says bipolar affective disorder, first I’d heard. Such a shock hearing it like that. Then waiting list for 6 weeks then 3 phone calls, last one I got upset as feel this summer could have been prevented but I think using the terms medical negligence and patronising were not wise. Discharged from MH services now, with care plan that does state I have a plan I could enact. I think they think at my age I’m just attention seeking. I didn’t say exactly, was really careful how I said it just told her, in that call, that I felt almost dangerous as I’m now fully equipped with knowledge and that I know next time will be successful. I know me saying this is that part of me that does want to live. I do, just don’t think I can live with this condition. I’m now on the the new regime of low dose aripiprazole which after some discussion on meds with least potential side effects is apparently the best there is, depending on unique biochemistry I guess. This was 2 weeks ago.

I had engaged with MH services for months the year before after my serious but failed ctb attempt. I lost faith when it just became art and gardening and I only saw a psychiatrist once for 20 mins about 6 months after my attempt. Saw one in hospital in a room full of other professionals but was so close to attempt I was traumatised and can’t really remember it.Ended with diagnosis of severe depressive episode with psychotic features and I took the medication (quetiapine, along with the mirtazapine I’m already on) I was prescribed for about a year. I’ve mostly always been compliant and tried what they’ve suggested which really hadn’t been much apart from meds, gardening and art and a couple of group therapy sessions where no one really wanted to say much. I’ve always got too many words, obvious here. Talked too much. What a surprise. I was trying to recover and help others too. Made two really good friends along the way. Both bipolar, neither have suicidal ideation so I can’t talk to them about this. I’m concerned about their well-being too and it’s upset them when I’ve tried to talk.

I’ve never in all the times I’ve engaged with MH teams ever been asked the diagnostic criteria to diagnose anything. I know it’s an art as someone said but I feel in my case there’s been so much history, I have cried out for help many times, even researched and thought I had a personality disorder, which is still possible, but I wasn’t heard. I then went to private counsellor who didn’t really believe in these labels, which I get, she thought there was nothing wrong with me apart from family. So got part time job, entered acceptable society again, left behind thoughts I had a MH condition and worked my way through various jobs up to the decision to apply to go to university. This was best time in my life. Felt I had made it and found my purpose in life. completed two years, then my dad died, other things happened and it all came crashing down.

In short, I’ve really tried, too. This is a curse and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I feel both failed and a failure.

And ALWAYS too many words. Verbose. Sorry not sorry but still sorry
And that doesn’t even answer your question as I’m wondering the same. is there hope with this. Hard to feel there is, but I know there is. For some people. Like my two friends. They’ve both got it really under control but it has taken some years and med adjustments to get there and they have both been failed by the system at many points. Took them both years, now they have to and want to stay on their meds and they’re managing really well.
 
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Sensei

Sensei

剣道家
Nov 4, 2019
6,337
I suffer from bipolar disorder II, so my situation is somewhat different. (It's not "bipolar disorder light", but that discussion is perhaps better saved for another thread.) I know this, though: there's hope. After three years of almost non-stop depressive episodes and daily suicidal impulses my medication is finally working. (Knock on wood a million times.) Only a minority of us are treatment-resistant, so the odds are in your favour. So, sooner or later they will most probably find a combination of medicines which works for you, but it usually takes time. You just need to be patient and try to hang in there.
 
neitherherenorthere

neitherherenorthere

Experienced
Apr 22, 2020
223
Mood stabilizers are your friends. I've read a lot of stories about Lamictal and Lithium in particular being life-changing for people. I think Lamictal is supposed to have antidepressant properties on its own, so that might do the trick by itself, but a lot of the time antidepressants are prescribed in conjunction with mood stabilizers. Absolutely DO NOT let anyone prescribe you an AD without being on some kind of mood stabilizer first, though!

It might take a while to find the right mix of meds for you, but you'll get there.
 
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Sensei

Sensei

剣道家
Nov 4, 2019
6,337
Absolutely DO NOT let anyone prescribe you an AD without being on some kind of mood stabilizer first, though!

I second this. In my case it triggered a manic-like episode and it's evidently common.