ScottPilgram
slime guy, xe/xem it/its
- Feb 2, 2019
- 157
Firstly. Do not comment if you are against Polyamoury, you are transphobic, or you've read this and you are just going to tell me i should be grateful I have what I have.
Two days ago I had the worst mixed episode i've ever had. I am now working on getting a partner (none relationship) and ctb. Two days ago my partner held me for hours while i had my episode. all this did was show me they love me a lot, but this did not change my mind. I do not attach my will to live to people or objects, that can turn unintentionally manipulative fast. But this makes it 10x harder to say goodbye. I just can't keep doing this. My Bipolar Disorder is an endless cycle of mental torment. I am on trintellex and Lamotragine for it but it only helps so much and my object permeance and memory is so bad i forget to take them for weeks at a time. I don't think I will ever get better. As I age i fear it'll get worse. My memory is so god awful I fear dementia when i get older. I am so ungodly afraid of being a burden on those I love. My partner sometimes feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me due to my mood swings. Don't worry that discussion wasn't messy, we have sit down conversations about our feelings a lot. They are pro choosing death but they were also so incredibly worried about me. When they held me it felt like they really didn't want me to go. I just can't do this though. I can't function. A lot of people would tell me to be grateful i have someone but my mental illness doesnt get cured through love as surprising as that is. I will continue to have Bipolar disorder even in total utopia. This is how it is. Reguardless. I'm painfully aware this will hurt them bad, we are poly so they have a support system of like 3 other partner's (who are also my friends) when I'm gone but that will only minimize the damage so much.
It's just hard.
I told my boss that I was mentally able to take on more work so she proceeds to give me more hours, and then the next time i work i come in sobbing and ask if they need me today. Totally embarrassing. Being publicly mentally ill makes me feel incredibly embarrassed because I am often afraid to show emotion in front of people due to trauma. My boss is very nice, she talked to me and sent me home with breadsticks, but I left the interaction feeling worse. I'm spiraling, it's only a matter of time now. My partner is in charge of my savings because during my manic episodes I spend all of my money and I don't trust myself with my money so... They'll have that even though they don't need it lmao. I'd rather leave them with something though. Perhaps they can give my savings to one of their partner's who needs it. I have been on this forum for about 3ish years I think. Through these years I've gotten my diagnosis, I've broken up with my old partner, and my ability to live has gotten harder. I should be hopeful for the future, my partner wants me to move in with them and their partner's and we split rent based on how much we make but fuck guys. I can't do this. It's a hell of a deal but I can barely hold down a job. I can barely function. We're gonna all move in with each other and I'll fuck it all up. I love these people, they are great, but I am not stable. I do not have a reliable income. I don't want them to live on eggshells by moving in with me. I want to figure out a way to say goodbye and minimize the mental damage I will inflict on my partner. I didn't realize how hard this would be until 2 days ago. I think I often minimize or brush away the love that surrounds me because my mental illness also makes me incredibly distrustful and paranoid and my partner has trouble saying "I love you" because they are more of an "actions not words" person due to personal issues. They have read all of the articals I sent them on Bipolar Disorder... I made them read those because I didn't want them to be blindsided by my mental illness anymore. I think they understand how hard this is for me. I think they won't blame me when the time comes. But it breaks my heart to imagine them going through my funeral, having to hear people disrespect my gender identity. Having to deal with my family potentially being transphobic to them. Having to say goodbye to me. It just fucking sucks. Idk I think I just have to rip the bandaid off.
sometimes my mental illness tells me I'm being punished for living longer than I was supposed to. Things begin to feel good, and it all tumbles down again. The physical symptoms of my mental illness are so painful. When I'm depressed it can feel like my brain is being squeezed like a wet rag. When I'm manic my head "buzzes" idk if that makes sense. It feels like it's full of angry bees. The intense headaches are horrible. The pain in my chest, the all day crying spells, the irrational and reckless behavior and driving. The lack of ability to sleep so i'm forced to rely on edibles and cough medicine. The never ending doctor's appointments. The disappointment from my peers when I make the same mistakes in my endless Bipolar cycle. everything hurts.
Right now my brain is in it's calm but I know this feeling won't remain. I know a week from now I'll just be spiraling again. This is how it goes. How can I minimize the damage? And how do I say goodbye to those I love
Two days ago I had the worst mixed episode i've ever had. I am now working on getting a partner (none relationship) and ctb. Two days ago my partner held me for hours while i had my episode. all this did was show me they love me a lot, but this did not change my mind. I do not attach my will to live to people or objects, that can turn unintentionally manipulative fast. But this makes it 10x harder to say goodbye. I just can't keep doing this. My Bipolar Disorder is an endless cycle of mental torment. I am on trintellex and Lamotragine for it but it only helps so much and my object permeance and memory is so bad i forget to take them for weeks at a time. I don't think I will ever get better. As I age i fear it'll get worse. My memory is so god awful I fear dementia when i get older. I am so ungodly afraid of being a burden on those I love. My partner sometimes feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me due to my mood swings. Don't worry that discussion wasn't messy, we have sit down conversations about our feelings a lot. They are pro choosing death but they were also so incredibly worried about me. When they held me it felt like they really didn't want me to go. I just can't do this though. I can't function. A lot of people would tell me to be grateful i have someone but my mental illness doesnt get cured through love as surprising as that is. I will continue to have Bipolar disorder even in total utopia. This is how it is. Reguardless. I'm painfully aware this will hurt them bad, we are poly so they have a support system of like 3 other partner's (who are also my friends) when I'm gone but that will only minimize the damage so much.
It's just hard.
I told my boss that I was mentally able to take on more work so she proceeds to give me more hours, and then the next time i work i come in sobbing and ask if they need me today. Totally embarrassing. Being publicly mentally ill makes me feel incredibly embarrassed because I am often afraid to show emotion in front of people due to trauma. My boss is very nice, she talked to me and sent me home with breadsticks, but I left the interaction feeling worse. I'm spiraling, it's only a matter of time now. My partner is in charge of my savings because during my manic episodes I spend all of my money and I don't trust myself with my money so... They'll have that even though they don't need it lmao. I'd rather leave them with something though. Perhaps they can give my savings to one of their partner's who needs it. I have been on this forum for about 3ish years I think. Through these years I've gotten my diagnosis, I've broken up with my old partner, and my ability to live has gotten harder. I should be hopeful for the future, my partner wants me to move in with them and their partner's and we split rent based on how much we make but fuck guys. I can't do this. It's a hell of a deal but I can barely hold down a job. I can barely function. We're gonna all move in with each other and I'll fuck it all up. I love these people, they are great, but I am not stable. I do not have a reliable income. I don't want them to live on eggshells by moving in with me. I want to figure out a way to say goodbye and minimize the mental damage I will inflict on my partner. I didn't realize how hard this would be until 2 days ago. I think I often minimize or brush away the love that surrounds me because my mental illness also makes me incredibly distrustful and paranoid and my partner has trouble saying "I love you" because they are more of an "actions not words" person due to personal issues. They have read all of the articals I sent them on Bipolar Disorder... I made them read those because I didn't want them to be blindsided by my mental illness anymore. I think they understand how hard this is for me. I think they won't blame me when the time comes. But it breaks my heart to imagine them going through my funeral, having to hear people disrespect my gender identity. Having to deal with my family potentially being transphobic to them. Having to say goodbye to me. It just fucking sucks. Idk I think I just have to rip the bandaid off.
sometimes my mental illness tells me I'm being punished for living longer than I was supposed to. Things begin to feel good, and it all tumbles down again. The physical symptoms of my mental illness are so painful. When I'm depressed it can feel like my brain is being squeezed like a wet rag. When I'm manic my head "buzzes" idk if that makes sense. It feels like it's full of angry bees. The intense headaches are horrible. The pain in my chest, the all day crying spells, the irrational and reckless behavior and driving. The lack of ability to sleep so i'm forced to rely on edibles and cough medicine. The never ending doctor's appointments. The disappointment from my peers when I make the same mistakes in my endless Bipolar cycle. everything hurts.
Right now my brain is in it's calm but I know this feeling won't remain. I know a week from now I'll just be spiraling again. This is how it goes. How can I minimize the damage? And how do I say goodbye to those I love
