im not exactly sure if it's a suicidal song or if i could've misinterpret the meaning because of my projection and/or because im not a native speaker but i like notion by the rare occasions
If i surrender is saying if i surrender this life. I'll break down the song, "lately I've been feeling so ashamed… by these thoughts I'm hiding in my brain, cause I've been holding them down but they twist me violently" ashamed of those thoughts, holding them down (pushing them down to not think them, or holding them down from others) avoiding it and silencing your pain basically. " im hanging by a thread tonight but this time I don't want to be saved" barely holding on, but this time I don't want keep hanging on (don't want to be saved from CTB) "let me fall, let me break under everything unsaid, just let me die cause I can't take what's living in my head"telling not to do anything, and die, and for everything that's left unsaid and can't taking what's living inside. "If I surrender to the monsters in Me" referring to, your pain, surrendering to your pain. "Will it set me free?"will dying set me free. "What's the point of holding on like this? When no one seems to care if I exist" what's the point to keep holding on in this pain, and when no one cares if I'm alive or dead. "There is no agony like being strong when no one knows your sick, so sick of hearing I should stay when I never would be missed" being strong in your agony but no one knows your in pain. Whenever they'd mention to someone and they'd say "u should keep going and stay alive" (anything along the lines of that) but u wouldn't be missed anyway. "I can't take what's living inside my head" can't take what's going on in my head, it's getting too much. "If you could see under my skin, you'd realize why I don't wanna win, if you could see all my abuse.. and spend a day inside my shoes, you'd realize why I just wanna lose" if u could see what I see, people would realize why u don't wanna keep fighting. Spend a day inside my shoes (a day in your life) they'd realize why I don't wanna keep fighting. "Will anyone believe the hell of being me? Before I decide to be the dying proof." Will anyone believe the hell (pain) of being me, before I decide to die. Hope that helps