Venting being worse feels better

[luxsuircides]

why is it that when i am at my worst i always feel more alive and freer? maybe it's just me being manic, but i don't know. i guess it doesn't matter though because in 2 years i won't even be alive anymore. knowing that has caused me to make decisions i thought i would never do. it brings me relief to know that information. what is concerning is i have plans for our life with my roommate/best friend in a couple of years and i don't even know how to tell her that it isn't going to happen.

 

[Enlighten]

why is it that when i am at my worst i always feel more alive and freer? maybe it's just me being manic, but i don't know. i guess it doesn't matter though because in 2 years i won't even be alive anymore. knowing that has caused me to make decisions i thought i would never do. it brings me relief to know that information. what is concerning is i have plans for our life with my roommate/best friend in a couple of years and i don't even know how to tell her that it isn't going to happen.

It's exactly that. You've made peace with the thought of dying, so there is no more uncertainty. This gives you more freedom to act.

 

[dragonofenvy]

For me, it's nice just feeling something instead of nothing at all. When I think about how poorly everything is going and I have no reaction to it I don't even feel like a human, but an AI. When I feel shitty I think about how one day I'll die and it's just comforting. It makes me care-free which is really nice.

 

[ManByTheRiver]

When I have been in the better stages of my life I have always been really, really scared of slumping back into the depths of hell. But once you're back down there you realize "oh, this is familiar, this is comforting". Even if it feels like shit but it's what you know. I never want to get better when I'm bad, not because I think i deserve to suffer or whatever, but because it feels like home. That allows me to operate more freely, and I'm no longer bound by the fear of slipping back in either.