Story Being sober is starting to feel unbearable. I can’t do this

[thelostautistic]

I've had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since 2021. I've had lots of good periods between then and now. I can not drink for weeks/months at a time but I always go back to it eventually. Being under the influence of alcohol makes everyday life feel more bearable. I know why I drink, to feel less autistic. I don't drink an excessive amount daily but I do drink most days. When I'm sober I'm awkward, anxious and uptight. When I drink it's like a get a temporary break from all that. I just can't stand feeling sober anymore. Well I can't stand being autistic.

I feel quite ashamed of myself that I've kind of become dependent on alcohol. I want to drink everyday and it's getting really hard to fight the urges. I never thought this would be an issue for me as I don't really like alcohol that much. It's almost like I can't go through life without an active addiction. I've self harmed, starved myself, smoked and vaped. When I tackle one addiction another takes its place. I just cycle through the things listed above. I stopped smoking in May 2025 which I'm really proud of myself for but looking back I can now see that alcohol was slowly taking its place. Why can't I just stop everything. I don't know how I've got here. My younger self would be so disappointed in me now. I can't carry on like this.

 

[bpdscared9]

Congratulations on quitting nicotine, it's such a hard substance to get rid of. I know alcohol myself very well since I got an acute intoxication three years ago and trust me, it's not worth it relapsing. I've been clean for a couple of months now and although I struggle every once in a while with alcohol, I found other ways. Maybe taking a walk may help you, trying stress balls as childish as it sounds!

You got this, OP. I'm very proud of you.

 

[thelostautistic]

Congratulations on quitting nicotine, it's such a hard substance to get rid of. I know alcohol myself very well since I got an acute intoxication three years ago and trust me, it's not worth it relapsing. I've been clean for a couple of months now and although I struggle every once in a while with alcohol, I found other ways. Maybe taking a walk may help you, trying stress balls as childish as it sounds!

You got this, OP. I'm very proud of you.

Thank you I'm proud of you too. Staying clean for a couple of months is huge!

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I resonate with this a lot, and I actually just got back home from buying booze because I really can't stand to be sober as of late. I'm almost certain the cute girl at my small town gas station knows I have a problem given how much booze I buy, and it's embarrassing/shameful. I can burn through a 12-pack in just 2 days…

I too cycle through addictions. I quit smoking both weed and nicotine last year, and like you also shared, alcohol slowly took its place without me realizing. I've never been able to go through life without some sort of substance or vice, and have also struggled with self-harm.

At this point I've kinda accepted that alcohol is the only way I'll be able to tolerate life enough to make it to my dogs birthday. After that it's almost certain I'll ctb so it's whatever I guess.

I also relate to drinking alcohol just to feel 'normal' it makes me less awkward/anxious and I feel more comfortable in my own body. It's easier to get tasks done, and I feel more alive. After 2 drinks I move around better and fumble things less, have confidence, and don't hate myself as much. It's a double edge sword though because if I get messy and drink too much, I become incredibly self-destructive and impulsive. My last two mental health crises that resulted in the psych ward were while I was black out drunk, so I do try to be careful to avoid getting locked up again.

 

[witchcraft]

I can definitely relate to this post. I don't know if I'm on the spectrum, if I got ADHD, or what. I'm not addicted to alcohol in the same way that I am to nicotine, thankfully(?). Alcohol loosens me up a bit and makes me more amiable, social, and less frustrated by the bullshit of other people. But this is temporary and comes at a cost.

The only thing I might recommend (even though it hasn't really panned out for me) is going to the gym if it's an option. That *might* (key word) fill the addiction space. And my advice would be don't overdo it in the beginning, and try to make it as convenient as possible to go. Only work out a little bit to feel like you've done something, to "feel it," enough to say you were productive and feel pretty good, and then go home. I've overdone it at the start before and then I'm sore as hell for a couple days and ironically have less energy, let alone desire to go back for another workout.

I live with my mom and don't have much money, so I at least have to decide not to buy alcohol x number of times if I still want to go to the gym, that way I can afford the membership. If you decide to give it a try, don't let them rope you into a bunch of crap like sauna this, tanning bed that, whatever weird stuff—and do a bit of research to make sure it's a reputable place and seems well managed. Just get the most basic cheap plan on offer imo. The representative or whoever that is signing you up is often a salesperson and it's their job to try and sell you on as much stuff as possible.

Unfortunately it seems almost unavoidable that you'll have to commit to a long term contract (like 1 year) that you can't cancel early without paying the rest of your gym membership off, and usually an additional fee for "inconveniencing" them. Which is such bullshit, but I digress. I understand that might not be encouraging to hear but just trying to be realistic and put these things on your radar for your own consideration.

You could also consider working out at home and walking for free. Whatever works. I did not start with the intent of GETTING SWOLL BRO, or losing weight, or anything of the sort, but to simply give myself something positive to do. The benefits of only moderate weekly exercise are well-known, and hold true even if you ignore studies funded by Big Gym.

The other reason I am suggesting to try exercise is because playing sports when I was younger helped me a lot. I'm not in good physical shape anymore despite not being 30 yet, so sports are indefinitely off the table for me. But with working out either at a gym or at home, one can control how much or how little they do, and it's something I can still do during our awful winters where I live.