Being kind to people I know often made me feel better, which is something I disliked later on

[R_N]

As someone prone to nihilistic thinking and someone who grew a thick shell over the years because I was hurt, this irked me.

But last few days I feel I am getting over things and don't have expectations anymore. It just comes naturally to me to speak kindly and feel a bit of repressed emotions in me.

Like my thinking side merged with my natural state and made some prototype behaviour.

It doesn't make me "happy", but it makes the emptiness fill a little. I allowed myself to be vulnerable but at the same time I can't be hurt like before because I am at peace with my behaviour now. I am not fighting imaginary or real threats anymore.

I will probably be disgusted with what I feel now in a few days and see it as pathetic but regardless, this is unlike to both how I was and what I turned into. So it is also weird to me now.

I feel I don't have a single grudge to hold atm.

 

[sleepyhollow]

I don't believe that it is pathetic or weak to be kind to others if you are going through a hard time. I feel the same sometimes; doing little things to help those I come into contact with just feels right, and it makes me loathe myself a little less, if only marginally so. In fact, there are studies showing that people who serve others are happier people in general (not that this will solve anything, but I appreciate such evidence as I am a logical person). I would also argue, and it stands to reason, that you could benefit from a little bit of kindness towards yourself; though it might sound cliché, it's true. If you need to talk, both myself and others are present and ready to listen .