Being happy is weird- rambling

[fox_wannabe]

I feel weird when feeling happy. I am just afraid where this emotion leads me. Usually people feel good about being good. But I don't. Maybe I just see where it goes. Nowhere. At least for me. Because I have nothing I want to do or achieve nor there is anything I can do or achieve that would be worth staying here. I cannot have relationships and it is too late for me to be friends with people, and whoever I try to befriend he always already has his best buddies and I am left out. I cannot live just to land a good job. I cannot live just for my family to stay happy.

When I am sad I know where I can go. I can die. And that is it. To go back to place I belong and should never left. To achieve ultimate goal of every life form, to end striving, to end suffering, and pleasure, and hate, and love, and time, and space, and every thing. To not be.

Or just be, but for me every form of afterlife is ego trip. I mean I wish to be and I know It is me ego trying to preserve itself. And things gonna be fine If i die with my body. I still wish that you end up in wherever you wish to be after death. But please by god do not come back here to earth. If reincarnation is the case of course.

I feel I am dramatizing my life, or maybe my feelings are gaslighting me. It is hard to say "it is really bad in here" when looking outside where everything is calm and sun is shining. But I wish to remember about both sides of the coin. About all that I felt or I will feel. And I wish not to be slave to it anymore. I wish not have to do all the things I am forced to, to be happy. My brain is torturing me and keeping me hostage. Do this, do that, eat, sleep, distract yourself, distract yourself, distract yourself, masturbate, sleep. How fun of an existence is that? Is it some kind of joke?
And than I am supposed to look at sunset one time a month take shrooms and say : "Oh yeah life is magic". Or am I supposed to fall in love in some female? No no! It is not that I just want to fuck her and spread my genes down the line ! No it is LOVE. I LOVE her!!! And than I am supposed to live like the rest 8 billion people, thinking I am somehow worthy of existence, or special.

And in that time I will be subjected to opinions and moods of all people around me. People who will decide upon whether I will be able to sustain myself or not, people who judge If i am worthy and If i jump through the hoops well enough and If I am eager enough to jump through them. But it is all necessary! There is no other way for It to be! It cannot be changed! The system is set. Yeah but why do I have to participate in it? Because I am afraid to die, maybe. Because we all are afraid to die. And we stuck in here, making kids, working, making ourselves "happy", fighting for better tomorrow so our kids will live in paradise on earth. We are hijacked by our desires and fears, because nature made us so. And this has no end. this is disappointing.

When you look from bird's eye view on It, When your ability to perceive is heightened to dangerous levels, when you take what nature gave you in order to gave you advantage in reproducing and surviving, and turn It against her, and see what you are, what she is, what it all is, you want to die. Because there is really nothing for you. Like, the game did not expect for you to go that far and now there are no quests here. There are people who claim ascensions, supernatural, near death experiences gods and such. But so what? I rather have my peace. Oblivion, or because I am still a bit romantic: a pure awareness. Without time or space or perception of anything, where noting is known, yet everything is known, and there is no time of knowing or nobody who knows. Non dual state of neither being, nor not being.

But I am here, and reality is often disappointing. Alexa play lemon tree by fools garden

 

[fox_wannabe]

It's often disappointing, true, but it's also like a rollercoaster. I really hope things improve for you and you experience some of the highs, because you are a great person and deserve it

I deserve death, otherwise thanks

 

[SentientCreature]

I feel weird when feeling happy. I am just afraid where this emotion leads me. Usually people feel good about being good. But I don't. Maybe I just see where it goes. Nowhere. At least for me. Because I have nothing I want to do or achieve nor there is anything I can do or achieve that would be worth staying here. I cannot have relationships and it is too late for me to be friends with people, and whoever I try to befriend he always already has his best buddies and I am left out. I cannot live just to land a good job. I cannot live just for my family to stay happy.

When I am sad I know where I can go. I can die. And that is it. To go back to place I belong and should never left. To achieve ultimate goal of every life form, to end striving, to end suffering, and pleasure, and hate, and love, and time, and space, and every thing. To not be.

Or just be, but for me every form of afterlife is ego trip. I mean I wish to be and I know It is me ego trying to preserve itself. And things gonna be fine If i die with my body. I still wish that you end up in wherever you wish to be after death. But please by god do not come back here to earth. If reincarnation is the case of course.

I feel I am dramatizing my life, or maybe my feelings are gaslighting me. It is hard to say "it is really bad in here" when looking outside where everything is calm and sun is shining. But I wish to remember about both sides of the coin. About all that I felt or I will feel. And I wish not to be slave to it anymore. I wish not have to do all the things I am forced to, to be happy. My brain is torturing me and keeping me hostage. Do this, do that, eat, sleep, distract yourself, distract yourself, distract yourself, masturbate, sleep. How fun of an existence is that? Is it some kind of joke?
And than I am supposed to look at sunset one time a month take shrooms and say : "Oh yeah life is magic". Or am I supposed to fall in love in some female? No no! It is not that I just want to fuck her and spread my genes down the line ! No it is LOVE. I LOVE her!!! And than I am supposed to live like the rest 8 billion people, thinking I am somehow worthy of existence, or special.

And in that time I will be subjected to opinions and moods of all people around me. People who will decide upon whether I will be able to sustain myself or not, people who judge If i am worthy and If i jump through the hoops well enough and If I am eager enough to jump through them. But it is all necessary! There is no other way for It to be! It cannot be changed! The system is set. Yeah but why do I have to participate in it? Because I am afraid to die, maybe. Because we all are afraid to die. And we stuck in here, making kids, working, making ourselves "happy", fighting for better tomorrow so our kids will live in paradise on earth. We are hijacked by our desires and fears, because nature made us so. And this has no end. this is disappointing.

When you look from bird's eye view on It, When your ability to perceive is heightened to dangerous levels, when you take what nature gave you in order to gave you advantage in reproducing and surviving, and turn It against her, and see what you are, what she is, what it all is, you want to die. Because there is really nothing for you. Like, the game did not expect for you to go that far and now there are no quests here. There are people who claim ascensions, supernatural, near death experiences gods and such. But so what? I rather have my peace. Oblivion, or because I am still a bit romantic: a pure awareness. Without time or space or perception of anything, where noting is known, yet everything is known, and there is no time of knowing or nobody who knows. Non dual state of neither being, nor not being.

But I am here, and reality is often disappointing. Alexa play lemon tree by fools garden

When I think about those who died by their own hand, I'm grateful that we're all given the opportunity to disobey our tyrannical overlords and escape the banality of existence. It feels like a rebellious act. like we're finally taking control over our previous blind obedience to the preservation of life. Yet of course it's just another attempt to avoid negative experiences. Something horribly disturbing is required here, for we're not motivated by a desire to achieve a positive state, we want to shut down the entire machinery and thereby also forever lose the opportunity to feel relief from the bad situation. But when there is no positive goal to serve as a guidance for one's decisions, preemptive risk avoidance is probably the next best strategy.

And for me it's getting harder to see value in anything deemed worth-while by my younger self and others. As you say we're all subjected to the judgements of others and, being these fragile social animals whose survival is closely tied to the social hierarchy, our happiness is a function of our position in society and a few other variables. I used to be able to ignore this fact and happily worked on getting my degree, but slowly the absurdity of it all became more and more evident until I could no longer delude myself. We always strive for the next new shiny thing, then once you lose the ability to appreciate what's available. you just create a few genetic extensions of yourself who, yet unpolluted by the triviality of existence as a human adult, will look at sunsets and see the magic of life like you once did, or more likely have their reward system screwed up even more by a future equivalent of tiktok. And so on as long as humanity can adapt to the changes in the universe.

People say "the only thing holding you back is you". No, there's me and a million other different things holding me back and it's almost insulting that I'm expected to work so hard for something that started through no will of my own.

I guess I'm a bit of a romantic too. I want to escape space time, causality, all the trash that my mind imposes upon the objective world.
I just remembered that 2 years ago I met a woman on here, we happened to be from the same country and I was very anxious about going to the post office to check if my SN had arrived so she offered to keep me company. And so we met, sat down for a cup of tea and talked about our predicaments. During the conversation she said that everyone we both knew was going to be dead in a 100 years anyway. Such a simple and obvious statement but I often have to consciously remind myself of it - a 100 years and all the information about my petty existence will be lost, scattered and inaccessible to any conscious agent of the future. And yet emotionally I couldn't shake off this feeling of my death being a huge tragedy that sends ripples in the universe lol. So silly, but now my testing equipment is on its way and hopefully this time I'll make it work.
That woman is dead now, one of her last memories was drinking tea with me, shortly before the world ended...

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not know what happiness is like, but I know it would be strange if for some reason, I felt that way. I am so used to being miserable. It would feel wrong to me. The only thing I want is to not exist as I view my life as a mistake. Life certainly is disappointing. I see no reason to exist, we were all perfectly fine not existing. If only it was easier to leave this world. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[DisillusionedDragon]

And I wish not to be slave to it anymore. I wish not have to do all the things I am forced to, to be happy. My brain is torturing me and keeping me hostage. Do this, do that, eat, sleep, distract yourself, distract yourself, distract yourself, masturbate, sleep. How fun of an existence is that? Is it some kind of joke?

We are hijacked by our desires and fears, because nature made us so. And this has no end. this is disappointing.

When you look from bird's eye view on It, When your ability to perceive is heightened to dangerous levels, when you take what nature gave you in order to gave you advantage in reproducing and surviving, and turn It against her, and see what you are, what she is, what it all is, you want to die.

I feel the same way. Thinking about life, nature, the universe, how everything works and what existence really is will, I think, end in such conclusions, at least if you're really able to rid yourself of your illusions. And I can totally understand why you feel weird about feeling happy.
Feel free to dm me if you want, I'd actually appreciate it. I'm looking for some like minded people to chat with a little since talking with ones who don't get things like that just isn't for me.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Whenever I feel happy, I often get the thought of, "if I could just die now, right here, I'll take that". Because I don't envision it lasting long. And it doesn't.

 

[heru3]

I deserve death, otherwise thanks

Why do you deserve it? What have you done wrong?

 

[fox_wannabe]

Why do you deserve it? What have you done wrong?

I struggle with cPTSD, depression and anxiety. I am socially isolated/excluded. I just tried to ctb, but couldn't to later have full on mental breakdown with tears and drooling on the floor. It wasn't that bad but i just cannot get over the fact that world treated mew like this, bullied, laughed at, ridiculed.

 

[heru3]

I struggle with cPTSD, depression and anxiety. I am socially isolated/excluded. I just tried to ctb, but couldn't to later have full on mental breakdown with tears and drooling on the floor. It wasn't that bad but i just cannot get over the fact that world treated mew like this, bullied, laughed at, ridiculed.

Really? It seems we share some experiences. If you want someone to talk with, email me.