Discussion Being "functional" with suicidal ideation

[alpris13]

Anyone else continue on with a schedule or routine, all the while thinking about suicide? I feel like if anyone would understand this, it's this forum.
For example, i can clean house, organize things, go out to social gatherings, laugh with friends and have a good time (The laughter and joy being genuine too), but then later that night or at the slightest inconvenience, i start thinking about offing myself again. It's almost a daily thing too. I could be having an exceptionally good day, but if i were to spill a bottle of water or something, i'd immediately think "Well, that's a shame. I should kill myself. There's no point in any of this". Even though i know spilling something doesn't mean i'm worthless or need to commit suicide.
To be honest, i usually do think there's a way for my life to be better. I don't think anyone's situation is totally hopeless. But it's hard to keep this vision when you start fantasizing about yourself hanging from a noose just because you made a tiny, insignificant mistake. I don't think about it as frequently as i once did, so i guess that's a start. Can anyone relate?

 

[redbathingduck]

For me I do have days or smaller periods where I can kind of function, where I can get out of bed sorta on time, shower, do groceries and generally take care of myself. I also have periods where I don't really do anything at all and just stay holed up in bed all the time. Very occasionally I do something like go to college for a few hours or go on a walk for fun but they don't really bring me any joy or fulfilment either way. My suicidal ideation/thoughts are present throughout any of these days so for me personally it doesn't change anything and doesn't really make me feel better.

I often got told to try to think positively and really treasure and latch on to the 'good' moments and it sounds like you do still have moments like that. It sounds like things are generally going a bit better for you now then they maybe used to so maybe you have formed a bit of a habit of like going to or having suicidal thoughts at any inconvenience or mistake? I do think that thinking about it less than you used to is a good start. I hope it continues to be that way for you and only improves from here

 

[Lonelyhotcake]

It happens to me all the time so I try to think the opposite. For example:
"I want to k*ll myself... * STOPS * ... but I know that things are going to be ok".

To be honest, I think it's just a bad habit (like saying slurs)... because sometimes I don't even have a reason.

Maybe, I just don't have enough tools to manage my emotions, like disappointment when something goes wrong... and I end up in the easy road: "K*ill yourself".

 

[Sulyya]

Definitely. My days are too busy with people really, I live a normal life around normal and good people and often forget about it for a while. Nevertheless it's back to wishing for death afterward.

 

[alpris13]

For me I do have days or smaller periods where I can kind of function, where I can get out of bed sorta on time, shower, do groceries and generally take care of myself. I also have periods where I don't really do anything at all and just stay holed up in bed all the time. Very occasionally I do something like go to college for a few hours or go on a walk for fun but they don't really bring me any joy or fulfilment either way. My suicidal ideation/thoughts are present throughout any of these days so for me personally it doesn't change anything and doesn't really make me feel better.

I often got told to try to think positively and really treasure and latch on to the 'good' moments and it sounds like you do still have moments like that. It sounds like things are generally going a bit better for you now then they maybe used to so maybe you have formed a bit of a habit of like going to or having suicidal thoughts at any inconvenience or mistake? I do think that thinking about it less than you used to is a good start. I hope it continues to be that way for you and only improves from here

That describes me pretty well too. I usually can only function voluntarily in short bursts, which are always followed by getting back into that hopeless mindset. Usually, i don't get much joy out of anything, but when i do it's at least enough to keep me going. I sleep way too much and have a bad habit of putting things off to the very last second, which describes a day for me pretty commonly. Mental exhaustion can make you just as tired as physical exhaustion.

It is pretty bland, cookie cutter advice, but it does help to approach a problem rationally rather than self depricating. Believe me when i say i know that's easier said than done, but it's not impossible. Maybe for people in our cases, who just generally don't get any enjoyment out of anything, the problem could be as simple as a serotonin or physiological issue. I know that might sound like a stretch to a lot of people, but sometimes it really is the problem. I try, but often fail, only to try again, to think like this nowadays. Hope your situation improves as well.

It happens to me all the time so I try to think the opposite. For example:
"I want to k*ll myself... * STOPS * ... but I know that things are going to be ok".

To be honest, I think it's just a bad habit (like saying slurs)... because sometimes I don't even have a reason.

Maybe, I just don't have enough tools to manage my emotions, like disappointment when something goes wrong... and I end up in the easy road: "K*ill yourself".

Yeah i do the same thing, and i've noticed a lot of people do it too. I know it's not rational to want to off myself just because of something like forgetting to do laundry, but it still pops up regardless. It's a kneejerk reaction i guess you could say, and it seems to develop in most people that have been suicidally depressed for years upon years, especially if it's something that's been going on since childhood/adolescence. I guess it's just the brain's developed way of responding to an undesirable context.

Definitely. My days are too busy with people really, I live a normal life around normal and good people and often forget about it for a while. Nevertheless it's back to wishing for death afterward.

It really is something, isn't it? To be laughing with family or friends or coworkers, just having an everyday conversation about whatever, and then an hour later you wish you were dead. It's like a switch is flipped from "Things are going well. I'm in a good mood today, i think i'll be alright." to "It's hopeless. I'm a worm. Nothing will ever improve." in a matter of seconds. The brain just flips a coin in deciding what mood it'll be in.

 

[guayabas]

yeah, being alone, isolated triggers it for me. I don't even have to make a mistake or be inconvenienced. I just feel sad and alone and want it to end and dying feels like the only way that will happen. it doesn't really bother me though, the thought. I know the difference between just wanting to feel better and wanting to actually end my life.