Discussion Being "done" with life

[Polyxo]

I think most people look to death/CTB'ing as peace and an end to suffering. There are feelings of being excited to CTB, feelings of desperation and being unable to wait for that moment.

Where I am mentally, I feel the same way. I know that there's nothing more for me in this life, but the thing is... I feel sorry for it. I feel sorry that I couldn't meet everyone's expectations, that I can't be more than what I am now. I feel like, even when I finally CTB, there will be feelings of regret. Not of the act of CTB itself, but because I know this will be the exact opposite of what others wanted of me. I wish I could've been as bright and motivated as my peers. I wish I could've been who my parents wanted me to be. And most of all, I wish I simply wasn't born.

I think it's just, when I finally follow through with my plans, I'm afraid that in the act of letting go, CTB, I won't be able to truly let go of what has always been causing me pain in the first place. Does anyone feel the same?

 

[Slark]

I feel exactly the same way. It's like I've failed at everything. I just couldn't live up to other people's expectations, or even my own. I know that what happened to me wasn't all my fault, because I grew up in a very difficult environment. Still, I feel like I failed.

 

[Polyxo]

I feel exactly the same way. It's like I've failed at everything. I just couldn't live up to other people's expectations, or even my own. I know that what happened to me wasn't all my fault, because I grew up in a very difficult environment. Still, I feel like I failed.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry you are feeling the same way. The feeling of failure unbearable.

Our environments are major factors in determining how our lives turn out. We can't help how, when, where, to whom, we are born. It's one of the most cruel aspects of our world.

But that's the cruelty of the world, not yours. You didn't ask to be born. You didn't ask for those expectations. I sincerely hope that one day you'll be able to let go of your pain

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm getting too old to keep trying to start over every time everything goes to shit. It never gets better, only worse. I think/hope this time I'm finally done.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've certainly gone through stages of feeling disappointed in myself. Still, coupled with a strong sense of antinatilism, that has morphed into resentment. As in- it truly wasn't fair of you to bring me here and expect me to thrive in the first place. It isn't fair to put that on anyone.

I've done my best with what I had. I've done my best to cope with the shit I went through- which was also largely down to parents.

Maybe they do feel disappointed in certain aspects. Maybe that used to get to me. Now, I just tend to feel angry about it though. As in- don't go feeling disappointed/ annoyed with this mess that you largely set the conditions for. Imagine what it's been like to live this? I don't exactly express all that. Worse really, it just all lies within me, festering away. That's something else I just want to be relieved from.

To be honest, in my case, my coping mechanisms were relatively healthy and productive. I put everything I had into a creative career. It's not the best at all. It has very big problems in fact, but it's enough to make my parents say they're proud sometimes. That's sweet but, weirdly that doesn't mean what it should either. The path I've chosen, the small successes I have had have all been due to developing a maladaptive coping mechanism in childhood. So really, it's praise for turning out maladapted, which they created the conditions for. Is that really such a great achievement?

I suppose I don't feel so much guilt about not doing or being better because I think it was an unfair and rigged 'game' to begin with. Which you can't honestly bring a being you purport to love into. (To my mind anyway.)

 

[Polyxo]

I've certainly gone through stages of feeling disappointed in myself. Still, coupled with a strong sense of antinatilism, that has morphed into resentment. As in- it truly wasn't fair of you to bring me here and expect me to thrive in the first place. It isn't fair to put that on anyone.

I've done my best with what I had. I've done my best to cope with the shit I went through- which was also largely down to parents.

Maybe they do feel disappointed in certain aspects. Maybe that used to get to me. Now, I just tend to feel angry about it though. As in- don't go feeling disappointed/ annoyed with this mess that you largely set the conditions for. Imagine what it's been like to live this? I don't exactly express all that. Worse really, it just all lies within me, festering away. That's something else I just want to be relieved from.

To be honest, in my case, my coping mechanisms were relatively healthy and productive. I put everything I had into a creative career. It's not the best at all. It has very big problems in fact, but it's enough to make my parents say they're proud sometimes. That's sweet but, weirdly that doesn't mean what it should either. The path I've chosen, the small successes I have had have all been due to developing a maladaptive coping mechanism in childhood. So really, it's praise for turning out maladapted, which they created the conditions for. Is that really such a great achievement?

I suppose I don't feel so much guilt about not doing or being better because I think it was an unfair and rigged 'game' to begin with. Which you can't honestly bring a being you purport to love into. (To my mind anyway.)

Thank you for your reply. The feeling of failure or not being enough is hell to line through.

I can understand how your feelings have culminated into resentment. We were forced to be players in a game that we didn't choose, didn't make the rules for. It's a surreal feeling to somehow still "make it work" and be praised for it—for "achieving" something when it's only the result of immense pain and suffering. It hardly feels like an achievement at that point.

Personally, anger doesn't come easily for me. I don't feel resentment towards anyone else, especially not my parents. I think it comes from a place where I believe everyone else is inherently smarter and better than me, but in the end, my parents do love me and take care of me. I depend on them. Seeing them get older while I'm so stagnant hurts me so deeply and I know it's my fault for being this way. I just think me catching the bus is just better for everyone.

My fear is that, when the time does come, I'll still think about these things, and that even in my final moments I'll still be clinging to the pain that I'm so de so desperate to escape, thinking about it even though I should be at peace as I'm dying. But I'm starting to believe that we can only be truly unburdened at the very moment we stop breathing.