Venting Being disabled and having PTSD is nothing but agony everyday

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I have lived with PTSD since I was 6 years old. Years of torment, of feeling dirty for being abused, for being negelected by my family and growing up with no parents, was pure hell. Every one told me that it would get better.

Having just reached the beginning stages of my 20s, I know those platitudes were a lie. I have spent over half my life in the mental health care system. Therapist after therapist. Drug after drug. I have been on nearly 20 different psychiatric medications throughout the course of my life and many of the treatments I tried hurt me rather than helped, but doctors gaslit me and acted like the side effects, which included me fainting, being unable to eat, and shaking all the time, weren't so bad.


I was misdiagnosed for many years with anxiety when I actually had autism, and not having any sort of assistance fucked me over so bad. I still have problems with speech. I had to live my life being bullied at every turn for a disability I cannot control. Autistic people are frequently discriminated against especially in employment and no one cares.


Despite suffering many instances of abuse (one of them coming from a doctor who ignored my lack of consent and scarred me for life) and being traumatised I kept trying to tell myself that somehow things could improve. Then at 17 I got ill and developed post viral complications, which is now full blown Chronic Fatigue syndrome.

I cannot understate how much pain I am in all of the time. I have gotten used to my limbs feeling heavy and having neuropathic pain everyday. Nothing helps. And I'm terrified to be around any medical professionals after they scarred me for life.

It has been 4 years now and my condition does not get better. I have developed IBS as well. I live with permanent brain fog and struggle to stay awake and focus. There is nothing more I can try. The world parades these performative fb posts about how your life matters and disabled people are valued but everything else shows me that isn't true. Everyday I fear what will happen when I graduate university and inevitably do not get employed because I cannot work 40 hrs.


Most of my family is dead and hardly anyone wants to be around me because they see my very existence as toxic, it contradicts their just world fallacy ridden views of life and that hard work can achieve anything. Hard work will not fix my broken body.

All I have is my partner who knows about my wishes to CBT and end my misery. He does not understand. I love him greatly but our relationship also causes both of us pain. He does not currently want to commit to me and make sure that I am able to survive since I cannot get disability benefits in this country. Everyday I feel like I am a burden and I ruined people's lives because I am always exhausted and cannot do much activity wise. My bf thinks I need to just "get over my ptsd" and then force myself to start going to doctors again. My ptsd isn't going away and I retraumatised myself doing that.

This is not a life worth living. I know my destiny is to CTB but everyone says I am foolish and life will change because I am only 21 years old. As long as my worth is determined by how much value I produce to an economy, and people don't want to be around be because they see my existence as toxic, my reality as false, because it is not sunshine and rainbows, I do not see anything changing.

I am scared for what happens post mortem. At the same time, my life has been hell on earth. I do not have the courage to exit yet, but everyday I pray that this nightmare will end and I can be at peace.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I'm 24 and I know so many of the struggles you face and we have a lot of similarities. If you want someone to reach out to that will understand, feel free to message me if you need a friend.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

This post OP is peak depression fuel. Awful how they dice rolled for you and honestly surprising your BF does not seem to understand mental health issues seeing as he is with someone able to clearly articulate themselves well at least in text,
I would be meming you if I said life will get better given what you told me.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

This post OP is peak depression fuel. Awful how they dice rolled for you and honestly surprising your BF does not seem to understand mental health issues seeing as he is with someone able to clearly articulate themselves well at least in text,
I would be meming you if I said life will get better given what you told me.

Thanks to both of you for the kind responses xx
I find that many people claim to understand yet cannot even fathom what we go through on a daily basis lest they experience it themselves, and I never want anyone to have to experience what I have. It is a lonely existence though, feeling so far away from the only person you love, who fails to see the gravity of the situation.
At times I would have fleeting moments of hope, but that is only when I lay to rest at night and find reprieve from the hell my body and mind put me through each waking moment. I wish that I could somehow make him understand.
I would love to have "one last good day" where I am able to eat good food, spend time with my partner, have a marriage ceremony, watch the films I used to enjoy, finalise the experiences I want to have and say that I had truly lived, even if it was just for a day.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I think even the most sympathetic are unable to cognize what other people experience especially when it is so far detached from themselves.
I hate to say it but I can understand how someone could take the view your BF has if they have not been through the same thing after the emotional burden of having to live with someone who has serious issues builds up.
If you do decide to CTB lets just hope it sets you free from this flesh prison.


From what you have said there seems to be no relief whilst living possible and that is not fair but as you said life is not fair.
It is cruel to claim there exists a karmic system within our present life that rewards and punishes when some truly unfortunate souls exist as they always have.
This idea that the universe is some type of Santa like entity with a naught and nice list is good for coping for some but punishing to hear for others.

Do you have a method you are interested in if I may ask OP?
NisuPFP animoo one

 

[Kramer]

I'm similar but I'm in my 30s. Every day is another shovelful of dirt toward the center of the Earth (hell).

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm similar but I'm in my 30s. Every day is another shovelful of dirt toward the center of the Earth (hell).

You are very brave to hold out this long. Even though I've only been physically ill for a few years, it has already been so agonising to watch others live while I spent a lot of my day unable to get out of bed due to the amount of pain I am in. I can't imagine how stressful it is to deal with disability as an older adult.

 

[Kramer]

You are very brave to hold out this long. Even though I've only been physically ill for a few years, it has already been so agonising to watch others live while I spent a lot of my day unable to get out of bed due to the amount of pain I am in. I can't imagine how stressful it is to deal with disability as an older adult.

Staying home wasn't terrible until my late 20s. I had lots to do at home (books, shows, movies). Now I have fewer distractions and have also developed more health problems and the psych ones just got worse. Ptsd is a life ruiner, especially when you couple it with ocd, I'm starting Emdr for ptsd but I'm out of hope that things will ever change.