Venting Being alive makes me feel trapped. A part of me doesn't know why it keeps clinging.

[hikki]

Sorry for my bad English.
I wish I could give this life to someone that actually wants to live. I still don't know why I wake up every morning. I can't feel anything, nothing gives me joy anymore, and has been like this for almost 4 years now. I really don't know what to do anymore, I don't have anyone, no one cares, no one ever would. I tried giving my best, but it's so difficult for me. People can't understand that, and I'm tired of trying to make them do. I always smiled even if I know I look stupid doing so. I always tried to look forwards. Nothing helps. I always shake, I always feel uncomfortable, but I always tried my best. I always tried to socialize, to do something with my life. Nothing. I'm a scum, I'm useless, a nuisance, liar. The people I hurt would finally be happy if I die
Memories haunt me, mistakes haunt me, the future haunts me, everything feels so wrong with me. And I did pretty bad things, and nothing can fix that. I'm a horrible person. I just feel trapped.
I tried to talk this. But nothing works. I opened my heart to the person I appreciated and loved the most, I gave pieces of my soul, just trying to write what I feel, trying to be the most understandable possible, because even now fucking hurts to think something to write. And that person got angry at me. Told me to stop being friends. I just know that no matter what I'll never be good enough. This isn't the first time that happens. It's obviously my problem. I am. I hate myself. I'm a horrible person. I don't feel like I deserve happiness, nor I think I'll ever be fixed. It's all so tiring. I can't properly sleep. I can't no more. Sorry if this is a mess, I'm trying my best right now, I'm just typing my thoughts in real time.
I should have killed myself when I could. I shouldn't have listened. I'm even more miserable than a year ago

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring being trapped in that situation but the truth is that you just cannot trust and rely on humans in this cruel world. I see it as being better not to open up to people at all, as they certainly can be so incredibly insensitive. It's true that there is no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here but anyway best wishes.