Venting Being a victim of botched surgery makes me want to CTB

[scary]

To summarize what happened to me: I had a major ear infection when I was really young, causing fluid to form in my left ear. It was so bad to the point I needed to have surgery or I'd go completely deaf. The surgeons who worked on me used tubes that were just slightly too big, leading to a massive hole in my eardrum to slowly form and never heal that needed around 4 more surgeries to "correct" To this day, there's still a sizable hole that causes pain in the left and hearing loss in both of my ears and my otolaryngologist says I might need hearing aids in the near future

The few times I tried to talk/vent about this, my family would say along the lines of "This happened years ago, get over it. Accidents during surgery happen all the time" And while I agree that yeah, accidents during surgery can and do happen, I just can't help but feel resentment towards the people who let this happen to me. I'm not saying it's entirely their fault or that they need to be sued (its way too late for that anyway), but am I in the wrong for feeling this way and thinking that this could have easily been prevented?

This pain that I have is one of the main reasons I feel the need to CTB. Music and animals are the only two things that I have, really. I'm grateful that I can somewhat enjoy my favorite vinyls or hear my cats purr and the birds chirp in the morning, but at the same time my family is so goddamn loud. Constant screaming, yelling, and arguing that I can't block out (my parents essentially mocked me for wanting noise cancelling headphones) I feel like I'm walking on eggshells until the next sudden loud noise that makes my ear feel like it's about to explode. No one in my family takes it seriously and they all seemingly "forget" when I try to be nice and say to keep it down when they're near me.
This condition also makes me feel lightheaded, dizzy, and shaky at times (that combined with my anxiety doesn't really help) but again, if I try to talk about it I'm instantly shut down. I don't think I'll ever be able to get a job outside or even drive due to these things and move out from my house. I just feel so trapped (although my parents should be able to understand since my dad literally has Parkinson's, but I know they'll just think I'm trying to make up excuses)

At this point I feel like the world wasn't meant for me and that I'd be better for my own sake to CTB. I'll really miss my music and pets, but I don't think they're worth me living in constant agony. I want to be around for my cats but I don't think I can do it anymore. Both of my family's cats are my rock and I know I'll be gone so it won't matter but I feel my death would be selfish towards them. The oldest is currently laying in bed with me making sure I'm okay, I swear she can sense when I'm in physical or mental pain (I try my best to hide it) If I ever do go through with it I'm really gonna miss her, and I hope she'll miss me too

 

[anhedonya]

I am so sorry that you've gone through this and for how unsupportive your family is in the emotional aftermath. You are not crazy or wrong for feeling resentment- yes, medical professionals are people too, but they have a duty far more sacred, difficult, and beyond important than a lot of other fields do. They get to dictate not just the present of a patient, but their possible future. Those surgeons should've used the correctly sized tube and the hospital should've taken responsibility for their failure to do so in the first place. It's just sad that those places need to get sued before they ever take any accountability- you are suffering because of something you had absolutely no hand in, they should, at the very least, pay for everything you need medically considering it was their employee's mistakes that caused you this pain.

God and your family. It's just brutal to be around people like that- people who expect you to rush the grieving process. When we lose something like hearing and have constant pain to live with, it's just not that easy. Even people without any physical health issues have trouble moving on from traumatic events and just "forgetting" about it simply cause it "happened so long ago". Trauma is trauma. Pain is pain. Doesn't matter how long ago it was or how small it appears to others. You are in pain and it was huge for you and it continues to affect you today. You have the right to talk about that and be upset every second of the day if that's how you feel.

Your cat is so cute. I'm glad you have her. Do you have supportive friends at least? A support system of some kind for the emotional side of it all? I'm just so sorry this happened in the first place.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so dreadful, it's cruel how people have to suffer in this existence like this all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[scary]

I am so sorry that you've gone through this and for how unsupportive your family is in the emotional aftermath. You are not crazy or wrong for feeling resentment- yes, medical professionals are people too, but they have a duty far more sacred, difficult, and beyond important than a lot of other fields do. They get to dictate not just the present of a patient, but their possible future. Those surgeons should've used the correctly sized tube and the hospital should've taken responsibility for their failure to do so in the first place. It's just sad that those places need to get sued before they ever take any accountability- you are suffering because of something you had absolutely no hand in, they should, at the very least, pay for everything you need medically considering it was their employee's mistakes that caused you this pain.

God and your family. It's just brutal to be around people like that- people who expect you to rush the grieving process. When we lose something like hearing and have constant pain to live with, it's just not that easy. Even people without any physical health issues have trouble moving on from traumatic events and just "forgetting" about it simply cause it "happened so long ago". Trauma is trauma. Pain is pain. Doesn't matter how long ago it was or how small it appears to others. You are in pain and it was huge for you and it continues to affect you today. You have the right to talk about that and be upset every second of the day if that's how you feel.

Your cat is so cute. I'm glad you have her. Do you have supportive friends at least? A support system of some kind for the emotional side of it all? I'm just so sorry this happened in the first place.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, I've been a lurker of this site for a while and I swear I've seen your pfp a lot. It means a lot to me and other people that you'd take the time to do this. This site has weirdly been the most kind and supportive anyone has ever been to me. People keep saying it "encourages CTB" when that isn't the case. I'm glad I ignored all that and checked it out for myself.

As for support groups and friends: no not really. I think I'm starting to develop agoraphobia due to this and other somewhat similarly related factors and haven't been out of my house in almost over a year. I also might have symptoms for disorders like autism that have always made it hard for me to make friends growing up (my youngest brother has been diagnosed with it and I heard that it runs in families but I'm probably wrong). I was thinking about maybe making a Discord account and search up groups on Disboard to try and find some support while still being inside of my house. (typing has always been easier for me than talking)

In fact, I've never once in my life ever been properly diagnosed with anything. Even when I was really young I showed textbook signs of OCD and had really scary and sometimes graphic intrusive thoughts and my family would constantly joke about it and make fun of my rituals but never actually did anything to help.

And thanks for saying my cat is cute. Her name is Pepper and she's an absolute angel. She'll sometimes lay next to my arm and lick my hand. I'm glad I have her too, I wouldn't know what I'd do without her or Ginger. Both are absolute sweethearts and take turns to check up on me. As with all people who are chronically ill or disabled, I have alright days and bad days in terms of pain. Right now for me I feel more groggy and lightheaded and she's doing her best to stay with me in the room. I had to let her out a few times to eat/drink or use the bathroom but she'd come right back to bed to accompany me.

 

[anhedonya]

Aww thank you that's so sweet :) I was a lurker for a long while too, I have complex feelings about this site but the people I've met here have, almost all of them, been super nice to me. Multiple people have actively hoped for me to get better and have a good life ahead of me, so I definitely don't feel encouraged by the vast majority of people here. I think it says a lot about the way the world works right now, you know? That this is the singular place people like you and me can talk about these things without risking being institutionalized somehow or making people severely uncomfortable. I love my friends but they just couldn't bear the stuff I've said in the time I've been here.

I'm sorry to hear that about not having much support. I've been in isolation for a long time too. It started unintentionally but quickly kept extending into longer and longer periods. With the way my circumstances are right now, I'm not getting out of said isolation anytime soon. I do quite literally everything online- friends, work, school. I developed OCD from this and autistic traits as well. I know the feeling well and it's just horrible that you had to go through such a horrible medical experience only to be thrust into the doom-like panic that is living within 4 walls over and over. Knowing there are people outside that you could talk to, but who aren't very nice to you or believe your experiences, is just salt in the wound of it all. There's a reason why prisoners in solitary confinement vouch that it's such a horrific, unethical punishment that destroys them to the core.

I think you know yourself and your mind best. If you feel you have it, then I believe you. I think the Discord is a great idea, and I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything as well. Feel free to make a convo with me!

Awww Pepper is such a pretty name. Ginger is such a fitting name for the other one haha. It makes me happy to know you have them around you :) You deserve that piece of joy. What's their favorite forbidden food lol? Mine loves trying to eat ice cream out of my bowl.