Venting Being a trans is ass

[horrorvacui]

Hello everyone,

I've always lurked a lot on this website out of sheer curiosity, often afraid to create an account and learn of everyone's mental strifes.

Being transgender (MtF, idk anymore I just like being pretty and fem even if people see me as a boy) has had it's terrible ups and downs. The first few months I started HRT back into 2020 became most enlightening and beautiful moments of my life. i had finally became the alternative girl that I always dreamed about envisioning myself as with each step of the way, trying new makeup styles, getting the clothes I wanted, all that good stuff. Life felt like it was finally on the right track for myself and what I envisioned my transition goals would look like

But being trans later down the line has brought an uncountable amount of mental struggles that I feel like I cannot overcome. BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder) and trans dysmorphia soon came into full effect and continue to ruin my life. I'm sick of seeing cute fem people that I look so cute, and I feel completely absent of any beauty that they withhold. People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

This has made me not go out anymore, I think the remaining friends I have think I'm awkward, quiet, and uninteresting. It's gotten to the point where I can't dress up snd go out with makeup anymore and I can't stand to look at my disgusting face everytime I get a glance in the mirror. All I see is a fucking man, even if people think I had 'good luck' with being trans I don't believe them at all and think they are feeding me bullshit to make me feel better.

My life is so fucking unbearable that i can't NOT look at my face without having a panic attack, and just the thought of bringing a knife to my face just to cut off any dysphoric pieces of my face to make myself beautiful sounds so nice.

The idea if ctb always rings into my mind as well, the idea of being able to escape this world in the blink of the eye with no more consciousness is scary but serene sounding at the same time.

Idk if anyone else has the same experiences with being trans or having dysmorphia of rhe similar scope, but it'd be nice to hear people relate in a similar way. Idk, I'm a first timer here so i have no idea how to continue this.

 

[Minsu]

I feel you and sending support

 

[SoulWhisperer]

MtF too. I don't really know what to say since my situation is widely different in some aspects but I share the sentiments. Most of the time when I look at myself in the mirror I simply impulsively try to look away and not recognise myself, leading me to dissociate from my physical body, calling it a "meat armour" and refering to myself as a "brain" to try to not think about my existence. Being trans is tough, it is for more than a reason and it's not easy. Maybe I can conclude saying that no one can dictate who you really are more than yourself, even if others don't "agree" they can't change who you are in case you'll doubt and feel insecure about yourself.

Sending you hugs.

 

[nooneyouknow]

I absolutely get it, I'm also trans (Ft???) and the dysphoria is fucking killer dude . your experience is heard and it's the worst thing to go through I'm so sorry that you have to, especially to the extent. if you ever need anyone to reach out to don't be afraid, being trans in any capacity is so hard and lonely so while the opposite end of the spectrum at least it's someone who will understand the basis of it

 

[DeathSleep]

Being trans (FTM) is a big part of why I want to CTB. I'm sorry you're hurting. For me one of the biggest things (there are quite a few things though) is my voice. When I'm on the phone or when I use the intercom at work people always misgender me. Some friends say that they don't hear it but I think they're just trying to be kind because it happens all the time. Almost daily. I given a lot of thought to learning sign language and making some excuse to never talk again. I also think I sound kind of like a child which doesn't help things either. This world sucks.

 

[Gangrel]

Being trans (FTM) is a big part of why I want to CTB. I'm sorry you're hurting. For me one of the biggest things (there are quite a few things though) is my voice. When I'm on the phone or when I use the intercom at work people always misgender me. Some friends say that they don't hear it but I think they're just trying to be kind because it happens all the time. Almost daily. I given a lot of thought to learning sign language and making some excuse to never talk again. I also think I sound kind of like a child which doesn't help things either. This world sucks.

i'm not even trans and i feel this so hard when i'm in a call or whatever and i get called "ma'am" i cringe to the bones and feel so fucking uncomfortable about my own body as a man, it must be horrible while being trans

 

[drag201]

I'm trans (FTM) as well. This forum is one of the few places I can openly talk about it without being extremely uncomfortable. It's very hard everyday and even though I have an appointment to schedule to try and start treatment, it doesn't feel like enough. Nothing ever will. I wish i was just born as someone else and didnt have to inject myself and get surgeries and tell people about all of this because it just shouldn't be happening. Im so ashamed of it and im constantly in this duality state where I dont want to CTB so early because a part of me wants to become at least a little bit more comfortable in my body, and the other part who wants to do it because no matter what I do this feeling of not belonging in my physical condition is always going to linger and i don't want to live with it. I hope you are doing well, take care

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

Hello everyone,

I've always lurked a lot on this website out of sheer curiosity, often afraid to create an account and learn of everyone's mental strifes.

Being transgender (MtF, idk anymore I just like being pretty and fem even if people see me as a boy) has had it's terrible ups and downs. The first few months I started HRT back into 2020 became most enlightening and beautiful moments of my life. i had finally became the alternative girl that I always dreamed about envisioning myself as with each step of the way, trying new makeup styles, getting the clothes I wanted, all that good stuff. Life felt like it was finally on the right track for myself and what I envisioned my transition goals would look like

But being trans later down the line has brought an uncountable amount of mental struggles that I feel like I cannot overcome. BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder) and trans dysmorphia soon came into full effect and continue to ruin my life. I'm sick of seeing cute fem people that I look so cute, and I feel completely absent of any beauty that they withhold. People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

This has made me not go out anymore, I think the remaining friends I have think I'm awkward, quiet, and uninteresting. It's gotten to the point where I can't dress up snd go out with makeup anymore and I can't stand to look at my disgusting face everytime I get a glance in the mirror. All I see is a fucking man, even if people think I had 'good luck' with being trans I don't believe them at all and think they are feeding me bullshit to make me feel better.

My life is so fucking unbearable that i can't NOT look at my face without having a panic attack, and just the thought of bringing a knife to my face just to cut off any dysphoric pieces of my face to make myself beautiful sounds so nice.

The idea if ctb always rings into my mind as well, the idea of being able to escape this world in the blink of the eye with no more consciousness is scary but serene sounding at the same time.

Idk if anyone else has the same experiences with being trans or having dysmorphia of rhe similar scope, but it'd be nice to hear people relate in a similar way. Idk, I'm a first timer here so i have no idea how to continue this.

Hey, trans guy here!

I honestly related so much to all of what you said (like everything, except switch genders).

I understand the feeling of dysphoria making you think you look like a monster. What I tell you, as that your thoughts are most likely wrong. People often see you very differently than what you think.

I've also considered CTB but one thing I've always told myself is "Stay alive out of spite". In the sense that people hate us for being trans and want us dead. So prove them wrong! Prove them wrong by being beautiful, by staying alive, by being the best you!

I imagine how hard it is for you, best of luck my friend ^^

 

[amnesia999]

People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

How can I put this. There has to be an unwritten rule that if you're female and promote your own social media account, then you are probably attractive by conventional standards. I mean, probably 90% to 95% of the girls I've seen with YouTube channels, who are there to do a bunch of different things -- educate us about how they deal with mental disorders like schizophrenia; tell us about the architecture of Old London; show us how women dressed in Victorian times by making and wearing clothes from that era; talking about physics; you name it -- they're all good looking. The other day, YouTube, for some reason, started showing me videos by a trans woman named Ashley, who goes by the screen name Icky, who's just flat pretty. (She's also smart, articulate, has a goofy sense of humor, and is entertaining.) She mainly talks about the process of transitioning.

Where do these girls come from? Maybe it's self-selection. Point being, don't judge yourself by the way other people look online.

I think the remaining friends I have think I'm awkward, quiet, and uninteresting.

You're interesting if for no other reason than you're trans. (If it helps, I'm a cis male and I'm definitely awkward, quiet, and uninteresting.) Don't sell yourself short.

 

[3/4Dead]

, leading me to dissociate from my physical body, calling it a "meat armour" and referring to myself as a "brain"

FTM, I call it my vessel for this very reason, never heard anyone else do the same/something similar.


Being trans is probably the most agonizing thing i experience on a day to day basis. I almost got outed at work the other day and just havent been right since. Wishing you the best, OP

 

[illandlonely]

I feel this so much. I'm trans to (mtf) and it felt like I'll never fit into any type of normal. It's like a constant battle just to be ok and I'm so tired of it

 

[EvisceratedJester]

People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

Most of those people are usually wearing a lot of makeup and have had cosmetic surgery and procedures done on themselves in order to achieve their good looks. Only a minority of people look naturally look like those people you see on TikTok and instagram.

There was this TikTok of this beautiful woman who talked about having a guy hit on her and this guy talked about how nice it was to find a woman who was beautiful and natural. She has had several cosmetic procedures done herself to look the way she does. Point is, while I understand you may feel the urge to so, do not compare yourself to others. You have no clue as why they look the way they do.

 

[Kadaver]

Hello everyone,

I've always lurked a lot on this website out of sheer curiosity, often afraid to create an account and learn of everyone's mental strifes.

Being transgender (MtF, idk anymore I just like being pretty and fem even if people see me as a boy) has had it's terrible ups and downs. The first few months I started HRT back into 2020 became most enlightening and beautiful moments of my life. i had finally became the alternative girl that I always dreamed about envisioning myself as with each step of the way, trying new makeup styles, getting the clothes I wanted, all that good stuff. Life felt like it was finally on the right track for myself and what I envisioned my transition goals would look like

But being trans later down the line has brought an uncountable amount of mental struggles that I feel like I cannot overcome. BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder) and trans dysmorphia soon came into full effect and continue to ruin my life. I'm sick of seeing cute fem people that I look so cute, and I feel completely absent of any beauty that they withhold. People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

This has made me not go out anymore, I think the remaining friends I have think I'm awkward, quiet, and uninteresting. It's gotten to the point where I can't dress up snd go out with makeup anymore and I can't stand to look at my disgusting face everytime I get a glance in the mirror. All I see is a fucking man, even if people think I had 'good luck' with being trans I don't believe them at all and think they are feeding me bullshit to make me feel better.

My life is so fucking unbearable that i can't NOT look at my face without having a panic attack, and just the thought of bringing a knife to my face just to cut off any dysphoric pieces of my face to make myself beautiful sounds so nice.

The idea if ctb always rings into my mind as well, the idea of being able to escape this world in the blink of the eye with no more consciousness is scary but serene sounding at the same time.

Idk if anyone else has the same experiences with being trans or having dysmorphia of rhe similar scope, but it'd be nice to hear people relate in a similar way. Idk, I'm a first timer here so i have no idea how to continue this.

I'm trans and I can't leave the house either. I think I about how people will see me and think I'm a girl and it makes me never want to step foot outside again. I feel awkward when I try to attempt to dress how I really want to because I'm afraid other parts of me give away that I'm not "really" a guy; the way I walk, the sound of my voice, my demeanor in general. All I want is to have top surgery so bad it makes my heart ache.

I wish I would have realised I was trans way way sooner when I was prepubescent so that way I could have potentially taken hormone blockers and started HRT then when the time came. I know that convincing by parents would have been hell due to their ignorance and religious beliefs but I think I could have done it.

 

[Ms.Melancholy]

Idk what to say except that I totally get it and largely relate to what you wrote.

For me it's even hard to say that I may or may not be trans, whichever it may be. I feel like I have so many layers of issues, frameworks, opinions all contradicting eachother that I simply can not accept that label as part of my identity. It's driving me insane.

I really want to CTB asap. I know I should logically give transition a serious chance before, but I don't have the drive to do so.