Venting Being a trans is ass

[horrorvacui]

Hello everyone,

I've always lurked a lot on this website out of sheer curiosity, often afraid to create an account and learn of everyone's mental strifes.

Being transgender (MtF, idk anymore I just like being pretty and fem even if people see me as a boy) has had it's terrible ups and downs. The first few months I started HRT back into 2020 became most enlightening and beautiful moments of my life. i had finally became the alternative girl that I always dreamed about envisioning myself as with each step of the way, trying new makeup styles, getting the clothes I wanted, all that good stuff. Life felt like it was finally on the right track for myself and what I envisioned my transition goals would look like

But being trans later down the line has brought an uncountable amount of mental struggles that I feel like I cannot overcome. BDD (Body Dysmorphia Disorder) and trans dysmorphia soon came into full effect and continue to ruin my life. I'm sick of seeing cute fem people that I look so cute, and I feel completely absent of any beauty that they withhold. People always talk about how beauty standards in the US and globally under a disguise of filters and face editing apps, but I've bumped into people in person who just look like they were completely ripped from TikTok or instagram.

This has made me not go out anymore, I think the remaining friends I have think I'm awkward, quiet, and uninteresting. It's gotten to the point where I can't dress up snd go out with makeup anymore and I can't stand to look at my disgusting face everytime I get a glance in the mirror. All I see is a fucking man, even if people think I had 'good luck' with being trans I don't believe them at all and think they are feeding me bullshit to make me feel better.

My life is so fucking unbearable that i can't NOT look at my face without having a panic attack, and just the thought of bringing a knife to my face just to cut off any dysphoric pieces of my face to make myself beautiful sounds so nice.

The idea if ctb always rings into my mind as well, the idea of being able to escape this world in the blink of the eye with no more consciousness is scary but serene sounding at the same time.

Idk if anyone else has the same experiences with being trans or having dysmorphia of rhe similar scope, but it'd be nice to hear people relate in a similar way. Idk, I'm a first timer here so i have no idea how to continue this.

 

[Minsu]

I feel you and sending support

 

[SoulWhisperer]

MtF too. I don't really know what to say since my situation is widely different in some aspects but I share the sentiments. Most of the time when I look at myself in the mirror I simply impulsively try to look away and not recognise myself, leading me to dissociate from my physical body, calling it a "meat armour" and refering to myself as a "brain" to try to not think about my existence. Being trans is tough, it is for more than a reason and it's not easy. Maybe I can conclude saying that no one can dictate who you really are more than yourself, even if others don't "agree" they can't change who you are in case you'll doubt and feel insecure about yourself.

Sending you hugs.

 

[nooneyouknow]

I absolutely get it, I'm also trans (Ft???) and the dysphoria is fucking killer dude . your experience is heard and it's the worst thing to go through I'm so sorry that you have to, especially to the extent. if you ever need anyone to reach out to don't be afraid, being trans in any capacity is so hard and lonely so while the opposite end of the spectrum at least it's someone who will understand the basis of it

 

[DeathSleep]

Being trans (FTM) is a big part of why I want to CTB. I'm sorry you're hurting. For me one of the biggest things (there are quite a few things though) is my voice. When I'm on the phone or when I use the intercom at work people always misgender me. Some friends say that they don't hear it but I think they're just trying to be kind because it happens all the time. Almost daily. I given a lot of thought to learning sign language and making some excuse to never talk again. I also think I sound kind of like a child which doesn't help things either. This world sucks.

 

[Gangrel]

Being trans (FTM) is a big part of why I want to CTB. I'm sorry you're hurting. For me one of the biggest things (there are quite a few things though) is my voice. When I'm on the phone or when I use the intercom at work people always misgender me. Some friends say that they don't hear it but I think they're just trying to be kind because it happens all the time. Almost daily. I given a lot of thought to learning sign language and making some excuse to never talk again. I also think I sound kind of like a child which doesn't help things either. This world sucks.

i'm not even trans and i feel this so hard when i'm in a call or whatever and i get called "ma'am" i cringe to the bones and feel so fucking uncomfortable about my own body as a man, it must be horrible while being trans

 

[drag201]

I'm trans (FTM) as well. This forum is one of the few places I can openly talk about it without being extremely uncomfortable. It's very hard everyday and even though I have an appointment to schedule to try and start treatment, it doesn't feel like enough. Nothing ever will. I wish i was just born as someone else and didnt have to inject myself and get surgeries and tell people about all of this because it just shouldn't be happening. Im so ashamed of it and im constantly in this duality state where I dont want to CTB so early because a part of me wants to become at least a little bit more comfortable in my body, and the other part who wants to do it because no matter what I do this feeling of not belonging in my physical condition is always going to linger and i don't want to live with it. I hope you are doing well, take care