Venting Being a total screw up

[JR_Timm]

Just a random venting from a random guy, today I was extremely ready to CTB by partial hanging, studied the method and almost went with it. Funny thing, I did chicken out, but not from fear of death but the very real fear of surviving and ending in a hospital.. again. That's a third serious attempt, I fear I can't afford surviving, ending up in a psych ward and on 24/7 CTB watch by my family. It f sucks, I contemplated using knife too, but apparently even if you stab yourself in the neck you can survive 1-4 h, are you kidding me! Time fo plan B, that is to overdosing slightly on my meds, to hopefully ruin my heart somehow. I took shit ton of venlafaxine and I feel pretty abysmal rn, not a big overdose, just enough to make me feel sick. In the perfect world I would ruin my heart to the point of failure and my family would have a slim hope that it was accidental and not CTB. Readig the above from perspective - wtf is wrong with me..

 

[FuneralCry]

Trying to die going wrong is also what I'd personally fear, I find it terrifying how such could happen, I wish I had a painless, guaranteed death to free myself from all the suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

I understand my friend.

I often reflect on my own thoughts and the things I type and wonder how the hell I ended up like this, where did I go so wrong? Well it wasn't one decision, it was thousands of wrong decisions.
Trying to run from my own mind led me here, and now Im out of hope.

 

[JR_Timm]

Thank You for comments, really appreciated, I feel marginally better right now, I hope for a good night sleep.