Venting Being a 'survivor'

[anastenka]

The fear and humiliation never leave me and I'm reminded of that pain every single, agonising day. I'm always on edge, always afraid of everything and everyone. Even now, my body still feels burdened with the weight of that dirtiness. The pain caused by the violation is something I can never forget, and it's neither something I can live with. My therapist calls me a 'survivor', though I wouldn't call myself that, I don't think I survived. I feel parasitic, diseased even, his touch swarms every fibre of my body. I am at such a loss with myself, what future can I possibly have? I don't have one, I am so tired

 

[CowardStaysIn]

Honestly, I'm not crazy about that term. Yes, you "survived" as in, you're still here, but that's about it. They claim it's about destigmatizing, but it doesn't really. It's just euphemism, and euphemism is dishonest imo. Euphemism is no match for real trauma.

I won't say something ridiculous like, "don't be so hard on yourself," but you are not a parasite, You are not diseased. You are not dirty. You are not in the wrong, and you did nothing to deserve what happened to you. You are feeling genuine pain and trauma. Either your therapist deals honestly with that, or lets you deal honestly with that, or you fire them and find someone who specializes in trauma. Too many therapists are not at all qualified to work with trauma, no matter the keywords they check or the claims they make.

You can have a future if you wish. No longer being here is a possible future. Remaining here is also possible. But healing does take work, and there will be times when it will be overwhelming. What you are experiencing is the normal response to what was done to you. I know I'm just some stranger on the internet, but I do care. I only want peace for you.