begging my abuser to kill me already

[suicidalloser]

if im such a burden and knowing suicide is hard to do with si constantly getting in the way, it be much easier to better to just be killed. he owns a gun, yet keeps it locked. i don't understand why not. but has no problem SAing me. i just sit back and let whatever happen happen i dont care anymore. todays been the worse

 

[day]

You don't deserve this OP. I'm so sorry this monster has made existence so difficult for you.. I wish you the best truly.

Hope you can find peace and happiness at some point.

 

[Aisley]

Does he know you have suicidal wishes? You may be tipping a hand you'd rather not.
Also, is he sadistic or sentimental, or something in between?

 

[MrDarkness]

Why do people need to be put through torment like yourself, why is life so cruel

 

[jazzcat]

I'm sorry this is happening, is there a way for you to leave him? move out or even report this?

 

[dialogos]

please escape from that place, go to the police. your world doesnt revolve around him.this is a form of fixation that is preventing you from seeing a way out of a an existance without him. he is not your world! he is not the world! expand your mind, escape and truly live!

 

[suicidalloser]

Does he know you have suicidal wishes? You may be tipping a hand you'd rather not.
Also, is he sadistic or sentimental, or something in between?

yes. i told him everything about the past, my biggest past trauma (alex) and of course the rest of the pain.



to put it simply, yes he's sadistic and a narcissist


'this is why everyone hates you!'
'you pathetic excuse of a human!'
'you want to die that badly that's a knife right there! yes it! all it takes is one quick cut across your throat!'
'call the hotlines for mentals. how dare you burden me with your problems!'
you're ugly, stupid, no one wants you you're fucking anti-social.'
'i bet if ryan knew the truth about that he'd wish you dead like everyone else.'
'just shut up and be a good boy for me tonight'
'why do you always gotta piss me off? can you not be normal, for once ?'

these words aren't just words, which is why it hurts, its slapping, pushing shoving

sometime he'll repeat the things alex said to me back then, \\
'slug'
'why won't you die already'
things like that.

I'm sorry this is happening, is there a way for you to leave him? move out or even report this?

no. and there's no one else. i want to die anyways and i know i deserve for being so annoying, non-sensical with people
i've tried so many outlets before coming to this forum, they've all ended the same, me being gone after annoying so many

 

[Aisley]

Do you know where he keeps the key to the gun cabinet? And where he keeps bullets?

 

[deomlez]

I don t want to change your mind about your wish of ctb. But please keep in mind that you are a good person for you, and f*** to all other people who are giving their opinion about you wirh this kind of words. They are only bs. They are so little shit they need to climb on other bodies to feel tall. He won t kill you because he is a coward and he needs you to exist in his miserable shitty life.
Make peace with yourself before you go.
You have all my kindness.

 

[suicidalloser]

Do you know where he keeps the key to the gun cabinet? And where he keeps bullets?

No. surely he wouldnt keep it laying around anywhere.

I don t want to change your mind about your wish of ctb. But please keep in mind that you are a good person for you, and f*** to all other people who are giving their opinion about you wirh this kind of words. They are only bs. They are so little shit they need to climb on other bodies to feel tall. He won t kill you because he is a coward and he needs you to exist in his miserable shitty life.
Make peace with yourself before you go.
You have all my kindness.

I've been hoping aids would do me in

 

[deomlez]

Sorry i m not sure i have understood the relation with all this

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

yes. i told him everything about the past, my biggest past trauma (alex) and of course the rest of the pain.



to put it simply, yes he's sadistic and a narcissist


'this is why everyone hates you!'
'you pathetic excuse of a human!'
'you want to die that badly that's a knife right there! yes it! all it takes is one quick cut across your throat!'
'call the hotlines for mentals. how dare you burden me with your problems!'
you're ugly, stupid, no one wants you you're fucking anti-social.'
'i bet if ryan knew the truth about that he'd wish you dead like everyone else.'
'just shut up and be a good boy for me tonight'
'why do you always gotta piss me off? can you not be normal, for once ?'

these words aren't just words, which is why it hurts, its slapping, pushing shoving

sometime he'll repeat the things alex said to me back then, \\
'slug'
'why won't you die already'
things like that.

no. and there's no one else. i want to die anyways and i know i deserve for being so annoying, non-sensical with people
i've tried so many outlets before coming to this forum, they've all ended the same, me being gone after annoying so many

what the fuck... run like hell. RUN
can you not escape? are you being held hostage? whats preventing you from running outside?
what the hell is the living situation here
is it your home or theirs?

 

[todiefor]

yes. i told him everything about the past, my biggest past trauma (alex) and of course the rest of the pain.



to put it simply, yes he's sadistic and a narcissist


'this is why everyone hates you!'
'you pathetic excuse of a human!'
'you want to die that badly that's a knife right there! yes it! all it takes is one quick cut across your throat!'
'call the hotlines for mentals. how dare you burden me with your problems!'
you're ugly, stupid, no one wants you you're fucking anti-social.'
'i bet if ryan knew the truth about that he'd wish you dead like everyone else.'
'just shut up and be a good boy for me tonight'
'why do you always gotta piss me off? can you not be normal, for once ?'

these words aren't just words, which is why it hurts, its slapping, pushing shoving

sometime he'll repeat the things alex said to me back then, \\
'slug'
'why won't you die already'
things like that.

no. and there's no one else. i want to die anyways and i know i deserve for being so annoying, non-sensical with people
i've tried so many outlets before coming to this forum, they've all ended the same, me being gone after annoying so many

Wow I'm really sorry you are going through this. I actually really understand how you feel, I am in a very similar situation, all the verbal abuse and put downs and physical shoves etc are all very similar. My abuser knows very well that I mean to ctb and he has absolutely no sympathy for it, he has laughed and mocked, told me everyone hates me and that I totally deserve everything that is happening and everything is entirely my fault. He also uses the knowledge of my past experiences against me to maliciously hurt me even more. I trusted him with that information. He knows how to hurt me the most and uses it mercilessly. I totally understand that while everyone can just say please leave him! It is very difficult to leave when u r in that situation, they've totally destroyed your self identity, your trust in people, your care for yourself, u r just trying to survive day by day, you don't hope to be rescued, at the same time you see this person as someone you love and relied on and it's difficult to separate these feelings. It feels like they are all you have. And I don't know about you but I feel so ashamed, I feel like I don't deserve to live, don't deserve to be rescued, don't want to be a burden to my loved ones, an utter failure of a human being to be in this situation. I've cut off everyone that can help me so that I can ctb without disturbance. But I need to wait in a few things so I can do the right thing by my family before I can. For me even if my abuser moves out my life is done, everything is changed and dead, like I just can't trust anyone or feel safe anywhere anymore, like I really died months ago I'm just here to finish the paperwork.

He will not kill you, because they legally he is liable, leaving the gun out will also be his fault. He doesn't mind that you kill your self as long as he is not blamed. He will just drive you to the brink. Then later he can say he had no idea that you were so tormented and act like a good person.

Please do know that it's not your fault and no one deserves to be treated this way. But I understand even then it is very difficult to leave.

 

[LonelyTurkey]

no. and there's no one else. i want to die anyways and i know i deserve for being so annoying, non-sensical with people
i've tried so many outlets before coming to this forum, they've all ended the same, me being gone after annoying so many

I promise no one deserves this kind of abuse. The police may help. You may be able to run away? I'm unfarmiliar with these situations but all I know is that no one deserves the abuse you are receiving, no matter how "annoying" you may think you are. In my opinion, being homeless would be better than living with this psycho.

 

[dialogos]

Again, you only feel this way about yourself because you were preyed upon by an abuser. please believe me when i tell you i went thru the same brainwashing as a child. i know! the purpose is to dominate you completely, make everything negative for you. he is telling you as you said, you cant live without him which is a lie！you need to escape, call the police! please try again. this is the internet, chat, email, contact the police to save you!

 

[suicidalloser]

what the fuck... run like hell. RUN
can you not escape? are you being held hostage? whats preventing you from running outside?
what the hell is the living situation here
is it your home or theirs?

not really , because I've been here for over a year now he'd would stop me, but i'd rather not be homeless again, even in homelessness i doubt i'd be able to overcome my SI in suicide like before. si is unpredictable which is why i just he'd get it over with already. i'm already a burdening waste of space
it's his place, he works 12 hour shifts; this is the second bad living space i've been in, the first was alex in portland. i wouldn't say this is worse than that, back in 2020 during the pandemic and all that.
talking about this again is hard its like my mind is racing, scurrying though old repressed memories. my therapist was the last one i told, that was last year before i was dropped, again. because i just want to die, there's nothing here for me dreams are cruel.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

not really , because I've been here for over a year now he'd would stop me, but i'd rather not be homeless again, even in homelessness i doubt i'd be able to overcome my SI in suicide like before. si is unpredictable which is why i just he'd get it over with already. i'm already a burdening waste of space
it's his place, he works 12 hour shifts; this is the second bad living space i've been in, the first was alex in portland. i wouldn't say this is worse than that, back in 2020 during the pandemic and all that.
talking about this again is hard its like my mind is racing, scurrying though old repressed memories. my therapist was the last one i told, that was last year before i was dropped, again. because i just want to die, there's nothing here for me dreams are cruel.

are you sure being homeless is worse? arent there emergency shelters or other places you can go to get a roof over your head? maybe a friend or family member?

 

[suicidalloser]

are you sure being homeless is worse? arent there emergency shelters or other places you can go to get a roof over your head? maybe a friend or family member?

why must everyone assume these things? just rude. no, no no, and i've clearly spoken in my past that i dont have anyone else and no family.
i want to die i've made that clear by the thread title alone

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

sorry then, i dont think i can help you...
i wish you peace in that case.

 

[suicidalloser]

sorry then, i dont think i can help you...
i wish you peace in that case.

sorry myself—i should've marked the thread as venting