This morning I just couldn't get out of bed.
I scrolled Instagram for hours.
I feel like Instagram mocks me because my feed is typically about depression and suicide. I've decided not to engage in those post because most of those people romanticize suicide. They don't really mean it.
I was too tired to cook so I heated up a quick breakfast bowl and ate a box of cinnamon donuts.
I received a happy Easter text from an old co-worker. It made me angry.
Since I left the hospital not one do you wanna talk text.
Not one how can I help text.
And I probably would decline but it's still better to receive care and concern. But people either do it their way or can't do it at all. So I'm trying not to take it personal or read to deep into.
All day I've been pouting over the fact I start my new job tomorrow. I'm dreading going. But I'm going because what choice do I have.
I'm thinking of quitting the second job already because I definitely dread the idea of that place. I'm so anxious about everything and any decisions I make but my life is in shambles so I guess it doesn't really matter.
The fact that it could very much get worse terrifies me.
Yesterday on my vlog a viewer asked me if I came into a lot of money..I forget the amount...but she asked if I had the money would I still wanna die.
We all know my answer but it nagged at me because what kind of question is that.
What's the implication.
Then I thought money doesn't matter...it definitely would solve some things but it would not give me incentive to keep living.
All the stress and fear I struggle with over God and if he exists, if he loves or hates me...doesn't matter.
Do I have a chemical imbalance and it's my fault it's worse because I refuse medication that I can't afford...doesn't matter.
The non existent family and friends..don't matter.
What matters is I go to bed crying...I wake in the middle of the night crying...I cry through out the day.
I can feel and hear my heart racing and thumping.
Some times it's makes me cough cs it feels like my hearts coming up my throat.
I've always been severely depressed but this time I feel like I'll never be the same.
I never thought I would be wishing to be my old depressed self because this new one really hurts.
The pain is indescribable.
With that being said and as scared as I am.
I'm begging and pleading to attract the right person.
If you have a source for SN.
Or if you know of people who are willing to have mercy on me.
Please PM me.
I'll use what money I have left.
I'm no longer desperate I'm depleated and agonizing.
I really hate begging and I hope not to be taken advantage of.
It's rare that people help me genuinely so I'm aware of the risk I'm taking.
But I guess I'm willing to try instead of driving myself insane wondering if maybe just a simple sincer ask would have worked.
If it doesn't that's nothing new to me.
I've always been unlucky and invisible.
I'm even thinking of posting for a partner but I'm hesitant because I don't have one person who hasn't betrayed me or used me as their comfort.
Thanks
I scrolled Instagram for hours.
I feel like Instagram mocks me because my feed is typically about depression and suicide. I've decided not to engage in those post because most of those people romanticize suicide. They don't really mean it.
I was too tired to cook so I heated up a quick breakfast bowl and ate a box of cinnamon donuts.
I received a happy Easter text from an old co-worker. It made me angry.
Since I left the hospital not one do you wanna talk text.
Not one how can I help text.
And I probably would decline but it's still better to receive care and concern. But people either do it their way or can't do it at all. So I'm trying not to take it personal or read to deep into.
All day I've been pouting over the fact I start my new job tomorrow. I'm dreading going. But I'm going because what choice do I have.
I'm thinking of quitting the second job already because I definitely dread the idea of that place. I'm so anxious about everything and any decisions I make but my life is in shambles so I guess it doesn't really matter.
The fact that it could very much get worse terrifies me.
Yesterday on my vlog a viewer asked me if I came into a lot of money..I forget the amount...but she asked if I had the money would I still wanna die.
We all know my answer but it nagged at me because what kind of question is that.
What's the implication.
Then I thought money doesn't matter...it definitely would solve some things but it would not give me incentive to keep living.
All the stress and fear I struggle with over God and if he exists, if he loves or hates me...doesn't matter.
Do I have a chemical imbalance and it's my fault it's worse because I refuse medication that I can't afford...doesn't matter.
The non existent family and friends..don't matter.
What matters is I go to bed crying...I wake in the middle of the night crying...I cry through out the day.
I can feel and hear my heart racing and thumping.
Some times it's makes me cough cs it feels like my hearts coming up my throat.
I've always been severely depressed but this time I feel like I'll never be the same.
I never thought I would be wishing to be my old depressed self because this new one really hurts.
The pain is indescribable.
With that being said and as scared as I am.
I'm begging and pleading to attract the right person.
If you have a source for SN.
Or if you know of people who are willing to have mercy on me.
Please PM me.
I'll use what money I have left.
I'm no longer desperate I'm depleated and agonizing.
I really hate begging and I hope not to be taken advantage of.
It's rare that people help me genuinely so I'm aware of the risk I'm taking.
But I guess I'm willing to try instead of driving myself insane wondering if maybe just a simple sincer ask would have worked.
If it doesn't that's nothing new to me.
I've always been unlucky and invisible.
I'm even thinking of posting for a partner but I'm hesitant because I don't have one person who hasn't betrayed me or used me as their comfort.
Thanks
