*Names redacted to comply with site rules*
Just here to talk again while I mentally prepare myself. I didn't buy the gun today. I wanted to wait until after the court hearing so I don't have the thought of it sitting there in my mind. I always wanted to own a 1911, I love the style and action of them and have fired them at ranges before. That's what I'm going with, as a backup in case I wake up from the SN. I'll keep it by my bedside with one in the chamber as I listen to music and pass. I've decided on Summertime by Hotham. Such a relaxing song to use the last minutes before unconsciousness to reflect on what was relatively a short but in terms of experience enough to fill multiple lives and books. It seems so crazy thinking about it. Growing up in a household with an abusive drunk as a father, who almost died when I was an infant from falling 14 feet out of a tree stand, head first and fracturing his C-1 vertebrae. It was a medical miracle he survived. His spinal column perfectly compressing was what saved him.
I used to be beaten by him pretty severely for standing up for my mom, or just talking back to him when he would go crazy. My mom and I later came up with joke names for my older and younger brother: "speak no evil" and "see no evil" respectively, as my older brother would always say "no comment" and my younger brother would always leave the area and close a door or curtain while I defended her. In fact, I think standing up to him so often shaped much more of my personality then I give my father credit for.
Growing up in an environment like that I never realized how all the other kids at my private school, which was paid for by our church, were treated so much better than I was until I started to go to their houses. I grew up in rural farm country and didn't have any neighbors. I assumed my childhood was just what everyone else went through and we didn't talk about it. That's what the past generation did, right? It was very difficult coming to terms with that fact, that I was different. I remember in 4th grade there was a time I was beaten pretty severely with an object of some sort, leading to cuts and bruises on my face and my glasses breaking. I was pulled aside and questioned by the teacher, where I just said I was playing and fell. "That's what everyone else said, so that's what I'm supposed to say right" I would say. I remember very specifically in 6th grade we had our school picnic, and while alone I found a small toddler, running back and forth crying, really distraught. I approached him and asked what was wrong, where he said he can't find his dad. I lead him back to our pavilion and literally circled the entire park over and over until I found him. It was in that moment, seeing the pain in his eyes, I saw the pain I have in my heart, and that nobody was ever there for me. I vowed to myself that day that I would always help people who were struggling and needed it, so that I could be the person for others that I most certainly needed, but did not have, when I was coming to terms with the fact of how different my situation was.
A very cruel twist of fate after 6th grade my school, Easton Catholic, was closed by the diocese for not bringing enough money in. I transferred to a new school which was absolute hell. Everyone there hated me and I had to always fight so hard to be included in the simplest of things. I felt like a foreigner, who was in a different country and didn't know their language. And it was my classmates that made me feel that way. I had one real friend my whole time there at Holy Family, NT. One time, going to school after a significant beating, I opened up to him about what was going on at home. Nothing happened naturally, I just think we were too young and coming from loving parents he didn't understand what to do. I met people online who went through CPS and saw how absolutely fruitless it was, so I never pursued it. He probably didn't even know what CPS was at the time.
High school was such a trip. I miss it, that's probably what most of my final thoughts will be about. So many great times. Well, not the school itself, I went to Catholic school mostly bankrolled by my grandmother I believe, while all my friends went to the public school. Everyone at my high school were pampered, spoiled brats. I was excluded by almost all of them with few exceptions, mostly for things stemming from social class differences. I played in a band called Authors of the Tragedy, our music is still on YouTube. We played so many awesome shows with headlining bands in the genre, I got to meet so many of them. I was so charismatic, everyone loved me and I loved everyone. I can't count the amount of great people I met, absolutely crazy sexual encounters I had, wild parties with people from all walks of life and just being the center of attention because I loved people. I can't count the amount of times we would have a show during the week, have an absolutely wild party that night, then wake up and go to school the next day after such an awesome party, without anyone at my Catholic school knowing what I even did outside of school. One time coming back from a show when I was 17, the girlfriend of the other guitarist, the guitarist, and I were driving home in his sedan. He was older than me, and his girlfriend was a 24 year old stripper at a local club. Out of nowhere, without warrant, she starts asking him if she can have sex with me. He glances in the mirror, glances at her, back at me, and they get in a "no" "please" "no" "please", with her finally getting him to agree with a "......... Okay fine, but I'm driving so don't be too loud." I said nothing this entire time, I had NO clue what to say. Before I know it she is in the back of the car, we are going down the highway, and she is removing my clothes. What a rush! I have so many others, one in the woods right next to where they were shooting off fireworks for 4th of July at a local event, under the stars on the hills, in a van trunk on a roadside, in a cemetery, just so many. I'm a horny bastard I guess
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I had a lot of companionship throughout those years, I just craved it so much. Always in groups, always meeting people, always learning about people. That has to be one of my favorite things, just picking at people's brains and seeing what makes them, them. Always was, always will be. It's given me such an astute sense of observation. I've amazed some people by pointing out things without even being given a hint, it's some weird 6th sense I've developed from closely observing for so long.
I fell in love with a beautiful girl, MM. MM was friends with our vocalist Mackenzie, and they were romantically involved briefly back when they were like 13, but they stayed friends. Her and I hit it off so quickly, I've never experienced anything like it before in my life. We very quickly fell in love, but MK was very much not happy with this. He still apparently had all these feelings for her despite her saying in multiple occasions they would never get back together. This ended up being one of the major deciding factors of the band we played in falling apart, and also how I lost my closest friend ever, never for him to return. He still dislikes me to this very day, I believe it is because of this situation. I suppose I was almost ready to move on regardless, this just sealed that deal. Her and I went on to date for 4 years, and were unofficially but also officially engaged. I never popped the question in public or anything but we both had rings and always talked about it. I loved her so much, but she was prone to peer pressure and got a nursing job at Northampton County Prison. That was when I learned COs are disgusting, dirty animals who will prey on anyone. They ended up, through months of putting me down, talking badly about me, saying she deserves better, getting her romantically involved with someone there and that was it. I caused quite the fuss at their house. The funniest thing is that I was almost ready to forgive her because of how much I loved her, but by a stroke of good luck she did not agree. I'm glad, as her life now is apparently a huge mess as I hear from my brother, who has a friend that works with her. This was 2015 to 2019.
In 2017 was when I enlisted in the Army, this critical decision would become the source of most of my agony until the present day. Mack, and our other vocalist Jake, both enlisted in the Army and told me that since you can pick your job I would do great. I saw the future 6, figure income without a degree after my first term and decided to go for it.
Basic training was not bad, and in a lot of ways was a fun growing experience. We did so much awesome stuff, and I was part of the first US Army training class to receive the M4A1. We had to take them out of the packaging and clean all the grease out, literally brand new. With CCOs and foregrips. My drill instructors used to always pick on me for my high ASVAB scores, not sure how they could see them but somehow they did. My percentile score was a 97%, I forget the specific grades.
AIT was where shit hit the fan. That place was an absolute nightmare. They always say once you get to AIT it's like a whole new experience, well my place was IWTC Corry Station, a Navy base. We were a detached company, with the rest of the battalion being in Ft. Huachucka Arizona. The highest elements I saw were company commander and company 1st sergeant. Turns out both of them were scumbags, and because they didn't have any oversight they could do what they wanted. This included, but was not limited to, interfering with people who had medical disabilities from getting paperwork and forcing them to do injury threatening exercises, using platoon sergeants to abuse, haze, and just generally act like assholes to whoever they didn't like, denying and allowing sexual assault of multiple AIT peers of mine, as well as others. This place I was in brought me back to the times when I would stand up to my dad, and filled me with all the same anger and desire to stand up as before. I did not factor in that unlike my home growing up, the Army has regulation they can twist, and lack of oversight, to do much worse to you than a steel toe boot to the chest or fist to the face. I halfheartedly attempted suicide twice there, before turning to IV methamphetamine use. If I was going to get treated like you read stories of abusive people doing to their pets, I might as well be high as a kite for it. I ended up failing a random drug test, which by later investigation was not done by the standard random testing method. I could have had the test thrown out and been reinstated without penalty, but I saw it as my ticket out and took it. The official listing on my DD214 is for drug abuse, however I received a general under honorable conditions discharge. Something about if they gave me an other then honorable or dishonorable I would be able to make a case for the situations that lead to my discharge in front of a military court. However, getting essentially an honorable discharge, I could only fight the grounds of it under threat of court martial. The way my army lawyer described it to me was they basically said "You won't shut your mouth, here's the door, we will shut it for you."
The one responsible for the sexual assaults was SFC N, an E-7 schoolhouse instructor for the other job there, signals intelligence. He would find girls struggling in class, offer them more and more invasive means of classwork help before buying them a $200 Victoria Secret gift card, and asking to see what they bought, then asking them to go to his house. We ended up exposing him, and by we I mean like 2 people because nobody else cared, and he eventually committed suicide so his wife of 20 years wouldn't find out he was sexually abusing privates half his age. The commander completely denied any allegations of his sexual abuse to the entire company, in front of his victims that were still there.
The abuse and suffering I endured lasted approximately 7 months, before I was finally sent home.
When I came home I was completely disconnected from myself. All I could do was sit there and ask why over and over again. Why would someone do this? What possesses someone to act the way they did? What leads to people having such a lack of humanity, compassion, understanding? Where do people go so wrong? How can things like this happen so easily? I spent weeks not able to get up from my bed, not able to eat anything more then a couple crackers. I had night terrors every night, waking moments filled with misery and regret. Acute stress disorder, which would later morph into PTSD. I could not work, out of fear of the boss watching me. I could not go to school, for fear of the classmates I could not see in my peripheral vision. I dropped out and started working in closed captioning. I loved that job, I just wish it paid more. It was 2 years after this that I got cheated on. Just as I had built up the confidence to start going out and working again in the world. That was when I was reset back to square one, once again. That breakup really did crush me, and was the closest I've ever actually come to wholeheartedly committing suicide because of how empty I was without her. I should have seen it coming though by the changes in her personality. But it wasn't that I missed, it was the person I fell in love with. I kept telling myself that it would pass, that one day I would wake up and it would be the old Melissa again, with that beautiful smile to tell me how much she loved me. The last 6 months of our relationship it was not that, it was this strange person I barely recognized. I wish I could get closure, but I'm conflicted because I don't even want to give her the time of day to tell me. I despise cheaters, always have.
My younger brother, N, was actually very paramount in keeping my head above the water in both of these scenarios. He is just a good guy with so many caring traits about him, though he never expresses it. Very easy to talk to and always giving good advice. I spent so many long nights talking with him over marijuana or movies. These times were lost when I got my CDL and was gone all week.
I fell too quickly in love with another girl, P. In retrospect I know she was not for me as we were severely ideologically opposed, and she was very strong in her belief system. I respected it, but Marxists generally don't get along with Libertarians too much, that's just the natural order of things I suppose, they have that whole "moral high ground" routine. By the time I hit that realization I feel like I damaged her really badly, which is something I to this day have not been able to forgive myself for, but don't know how to word it to her. I suppose I'll never be able to, and at this point it is pretty fruitless to even do so as she has moved far on and left me behind never to think of me again.
I worked with P for 2 years at a local pizzeria, Picasso II. I was a delivery driver with my Mercury Sable. It was a very good job for reintegration, and helped me build the confidence I needed to reach for my CDL. I always thought truck driving looked really cool, I had a whole wheel setup and Euro Truck 2 on my PCs for years, and finally decided to go for it. No boss over my shoulder, just me, my truck, and the road. I signed on to MTL after my college course, a family company based out of Cuba Alabama. I was lucky enough to be dedicated, which means I had one single pickup point every day, and delivered to Lowes stores in a specific radius. This was so amazing, and without that opportunity I feel I would have had so many more issues acclimating to the job. But I like to think I did really well. I had some bad luck here and there, but overall I was very smart, quick thinking, learned fast and got the job done every time no matter what. I did this for 2 years before the incident that lead to my termination.
In Rio Grande NJ, I went to go do my grocery shopping at the Walmart next door, when I realized NJ doesn't have any bags. I went to push my shopping cart to my truck when the wheels locked up at the edge of the property. At this time the truck came up to the stop sign. As I went to move my stuff out of the way he hit the gas and flung his trailer at me, coming within inches of running me over. The police came and though he was screaming and yelling at them to the point 4 officers were there, they did nothing. My counselor, who is black, says it was because the guy was back and the officers were white and didn't want to risk their jobs. Though they did ask him to get out of the truck multiple times, for him to refuse, and them to not ask anymore, I think that is plausible but shallow. I'm not sure why, I think it's just because police are lazy.
After I took the shopping cart back and was returning to my truck, the guy who I had to pass again starting yelling all kinds of crazy stuff at me talking about how he "gave me time to move" and "that's what I get." I was absolutely stunned, I could feel my jaw drop to the floor. This whole altercation was maybe 10 seconds max. I have no idea what I did to upset him so much, and never will. I spent the next 4 days going between the court house, police station back and forth, talking to attorneys after having a medical emergency that required going to the hospital and being sedated. After a couple weeks my company eventually terminated me, "failure to complete work tasks effectively" or something like that. Basically the corporate equivalent of "fuck you, that's why." I asked for 2 weeks of focused therapy, approved by my doctor, and approved by the company and was told my job is safe and I have nothing to worry about. They fired me 3 days later.
A friend of mine hooked me up with a girl, Isabelle. Really beautiful sweet girl, such a bright and bubbly persinality, at least so I thought. Boy did she play me like a fiddle. Taking me for my money and leaving like everyone else. This has happened all throughout my life. The most significant one was S, a girl I have been sweet on since the dawn of time. We met at my first job, which was Dunkin Donuts in Southside Easton. This location no longer exists, I think it was shut down by the health department. Her and I have moved on but always found our way back together. But once she was single everything was perfect. She came out with me in my truck for whole weeks, I went to see her whole weekends. We went so many places together across months and months. We said we will make it work this time, being adults now. After I got terminated she just....... Left. I don't know to where. She won't reply to me anymore, I see her online but everything gets ignored. Another one lost.
Nobody good wants to hire me now, having the stain of a termination on my record. I have applied but nobody answers me. They just ask why I was terminated and say they will call me back. I don't see it happening unless I work for one of those slave wage mega carriers, and I will not do that.
No, this is where it comes to a close. Funny thing is that I always told myself if a situation comes up where death looks me in the eyes, I will take it. But reflexes if not seeing it coming I suppose kept that from happening. I also said if I lost this job and can't find another one, I will do it myself. This time I have been able to prepare, and prepare I have done, mentally and physically. I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. Prove everyone, and myself, wrong by making it. I got into a high paying career, I bought a 2005 Maserati Gransport, a gorgeous car. I got to experience true love, and everything that comes with it. But if you've noticed a trend, whenever I get something really good going for myself, something outside of my control always pushes me back to the start line. The deal with Summer, Isabelle, losing my job, attempted vehicular assault, all of that at once is the last straw for me. I will not allow myself to go through this again because I am not strong enough. I have been beaten down too many times. As I stated, I've gotten what I want, the rest is just going to be pain and struggle considering all I've lost since 2017. I do not see any point in continuing with this current trajectory of constantly reverting back to square one.
Another friend of mine was lost too in recent months, K. She was always such a huge support system for me through everything, until recently. She always gets these boyfriends and then stops replying to me. Then she will be single and I'll hear all the time, then she gets another boyfriend and disappears.
Recently a friend of mine, MF, got me really drunk and I poured a lot of this onto him, actually an alarmingly frightening amount that in hindsight is a miracle the goon squad didn't come for me. He reassured me that he would be there for me, but I have yet to actually hear from him. Another sign in my mind that it's my time. On Facebook I have asked for people to get me out of the house, all of those have been ignored. Yet I can post something funny and everyone will reply. This is another sign I see that it's my time to depart. This is my best opportunity to disappear with the least amount of people caring.
This is where we reach the present day, and what will be the end of this tale. If you have made it to this point just know that I appreciate you so much. There's a word that describes something like this, sonder. It's an understanding that everyone around you lives a life as vivid and complex as your own, even though you never see it with your eyes or experience it. I was always very intrigued and in touch with sonder, and always saught to see as much as I could from the eyes of as many people as I could. If you read this in its entirety, I like to think you are one of those people as well. Hold onto that, wherever you go. It is a unique quality that sets you apart from so many other people and makes you such a better person.
That always was my goal, to help people see the good in themselves and grow with/through them.
My name is B.
And this is my story.
Just here to talk again while I mentally prepare myself. I didn't buy the gun today. I wanted to wait until after the court hearing so I don't have the thought of it sitting there in my mind. I always wanted to own a 1911, I love the style and action of them and have fired them at ranges before. That's what I'm going with, as a backup in case I wake up from the SN. I'll keep it by my bedside with one in the chamber as I listen to music and pass. I've decided on Summertime by Hotham. Such a relaxing song to use the last minutes before unconsciousness to reflect on what was relatively a short but in terms of experience enough to fill multiple lives and books. It seems so crazy thinking about it. Growing up in a household with an abusive drunk as a father, who almost died when I was an infant from falling 14 feet out of a tree stand, head first and fracturing his C-1 vertebrae. It was a medical miracle he survived. His spinal column perfectly compressing was what saved him.
I used to be beaten by him pretty severely for standing up for my mom, or just talking back to him when he would go crazy. My mom and I later came up with joke names for my older and younger brother: "speak no evil" and "see no evil" respectively, as my older brother would always say "no comment" and my younger brother would always leave the area and close a door or curtain while I defended her. In fact, I think standing up to him so often shaped much more of my personality then I give my father credit for.
Growing up in an environment like that I never realized how all the other kids at my private school, which was paid for by our church, were treated so much better than I was until I started to go to their houses. I grew up in rural farm country and didn't have any neighbors. I assumed my childhood was just what everyone else went through and we didn't talk about it. That's what the past generation did, right? It was very difficult coming to terms with that fact, that I was different. I remember in 4th grade there was a time I was beaten pretty severely with an object of some sort, leading to cuts and bruises on my face and my glasses breaking. I was pulled aside and questioned by the teacher, where I just said I was playing and fell. "That's what everyone else said, so that's what I'm supposed to say right" I would say. I remember very specifically in 6th grade we had our school picnic, and while alone I found a small toddler, running back and forth crying, really distraught. I approached him and asked what was wrong, where he said he can't find his dad. I lead him back to our pavilion and literally circled the entire park over and over until I found him. It was in that moment, seeing the pain in his eyes, I saw the pain I have in my heart, and that nobody was ever there for me. I vowed to myself that day that I would always help people who were struggling and needed it, so that I could be the person for others that I most certainly needed, but did not have, when I was coming to terms with the fact of how different my situation was.
A very cruel twist of fate after 6th grade my school, Easton Catholic, was closed by the diocese for not bringing enough money in. I transferred to a new school which was absolute hell. Everyone there hated me and I had to always fight so hard to be included in the simplest of things. I felt like a foreigner, who was in a different country and didn't know their language. And it was my classmates that made me feel that way. I had one real friend my whole time there at Holy Family, NT. One time, going to school after a significant beating, I opened up to him about what was going on at home. Nothing happened naturally, I just think we were too young and coming from loving parents he didn't understand what to do. I met people online who went through CPS and saw how absolutely fruitless it was, so I never pursued it. He probably didn't even know what CPS was at the time.
High school was such a trip. I miss it, that's probably what most of my final thoughts will be about. So many great times. Well, not the school itself, I went to Catholic school mostly bankrolled by my grandmother I believe, while all my friends went to the public school. Everyone at my high school were pampered, spoiled brats. I was excluded by almost all of them with few exceptions, mostly for things stemming from social class differences. I played in a band called Authors of the Tragedy, our music is still on YouTube. We played so many awesome shows with headlining bands in the genre, I got to meet so many of them. I was so charismatic, everyone loved me and I loved everyone. I can't count the amount of great people I met, absolutely crazy sexual encounters I had, wild parties with people from all walks of life and just being the center of attention because I loved people. I can't count the amount of times we would have a show during the week, have an absolutely wild party that night, then wake up and go to school the next day after such an awesome party, without anyone at my Catholic school knowing what I even did outside of school. One time coming back from a show when I was 17, the girlfriend of the other guitarist, the guitarist, and I were driving home in his sedan. He was older than me, and his girlfriend was a 24 year old stripper at a local club. Out of nowhere, without warrant, she starts asking him if she can have sex with me. He glances in the mirror, glances at her, back at me, and they get in a "no" "please" "no" "please", with her finally getting him to agree with a "......... Okay fine, but I'm driving so don't be too loud." I said nothing this entire time, I had NO clue what to say. Before I know it she is in the back of the car, we are going down the highway, and she is removing my clothes. What a rush! I have so many others, one in the woods right next to where they were shooting off fireworks for 4th of July at a local event, under the stars on the hills, in a van trunk on a roadside, in a cemetery, just so many. I'm a horny bastard I guess
.I had a lot of companionship throughout those years, I just craved it so much. Always in groups, always meeting people, always learning about people. That has to be one of my favorite things, just picking at people's brains and seeing what makes them, them. Always was, always will be. It's given me such an astute sense of observation. I've amazed some people by pointing out things without even being given a hint, it's some weird 6th sense I've developed from closely observing for so long.
I fell in love with a beautiful girl, MM. MM was friends with our vocalist Mackenzie, and they were romantically involved briefly back when they were like 13, but they stayed friends. Her and I hit it off so quickly, I've never experienced anything like it before in my life. We very quickly fell in love, but MK was very much not happy with this. He still apparently had all these feelings for her despite her saying in multiple occasions they would never get back together. This ended up being one of the major deciding factors of the band we played in falling apart, and also how I lost my closest friend ever, never for him to return. He still dislikes me to this very day, I believe it is because of this situation. I suppose I was almost ready to move on regardless, this just sealed that deal. Her and I went on to date for 4 years, and were unofficially but also officially engaged. I never popped the question in public or anything but we both had rings and always talked about it. I loved her so much, but she was prone to peer pressure and got a nursing job at Northampton County Prison. That was when I learned COs are disgusting, dirty animals who will prey on anyone. They ended up, through months of putting me down, talking badly about me, saying she deserves better, getting her romantically involved with someone there and that was it. I caused quite the fuss at their house. The funniest thing is that I was almost ready to forgive her because of how much I loved her, but by a stroke of good luck she did not agree. I'm glad, as her life now is apparently a huge mess as I hear from my brother, who has a friend that works with her. This was 2015 to 2019.
In 2017 was when I enlisted in the Army, this critical decision would become the source of most of my agony until the present day. Mack, and our other vocalist Jake, both enlisted in the Army and told me that since you can pick your job I would do great. I saw the future 6, figure income without a degree after my first term and decided to go for it.
Basic training was not bad, and in a lot of ways was a fun growing experience. We did so much awesome stuff, and I was part of the first US Army training class to receive the M4A1. We had to take them out of the packaging and clean all the grease out, literally brand new. With CCOs and foregrips. My drill instructors used to always pick on me for my high ASVAB scores, not sure how they could see them but somehow they did. My percentile score was a 97%, I forget the specific grades.
AIT was where shit hit the fan. That place was an absolute nightmare. They always say once you get to AIT it's like a whole new experience, well my place was IWTC Corry Station, a Navy base. We were a detached company, with the rest of the battalion being in Ft. Huachucka Arizona. The highest elements I saw were company commander and company 1st sergeant. Turns out both of them were scumbags, and because they didn't have any oversight they could do what they wanted. This included, but was not limited to, interfering with people who had medical disabilities from getting paperwork and forcing them to do injury threatening exercises, using platoon sergeants to abuse, haze, and just generally act like assholes to whoever they didn't like, denying and allowing sexual assault of multiple AIT peers of mine, as well as others. This place I was in brought me back to the times when I would stand up to my dad, and filled me with all the same anger and desire to stand up as before. I did not factor in that unlike my home growing up, the Army has regulation they can twist, and lack of oversight, to do much worse to you than a steel toe boot to the chest or fist to the face. I halfheartedly attempted suicide twice there, before turning to IV methamphetamine use. If I was going to get treated like you read stories of abusive people doing to their pets, I might as well be high as a kite for it. I ended up failing a random drug test, which by later investigation was not done by the standard random testing method. I could have had the test thrown out and been reinstated without penalty, but I saw it as my ticket out and took it. The official listing on my DD214 is for drug abuse, however I received a general under honorable conditions discharge. Something about if they gave me an other then honorable or dishonorable I would be able to make a case for the situations that lead to my discharge in front of a military court. However, getting essentially an honorable discharge, I could only fight the grounds of it under threat of court martial. The way my army lawyer described it to me was they basically said "You won't shut your mouth, here's the door, we will shut it for you."
The one responsible for the sexual assaults was SFC N, an E-7 schoolhouse instructor for the other job there, signals intelligence. He would find girls struggling in class, offer them more and more invasive means of classwork help before buying them a $200 Victoria Secret gift card, and asking to see what they bought, then asking them to go to his house. We ended up exposing him, and by we I mean like 2 people because nobody else cared, and he eventually committed suicide so his wife of 20 years wouldn't find out he was sexually abusing privates half his age. The commander completely denied any allegations of his sexual abuse to the entire company, in front of his victims that were still there.
The abuse and suffering I endured lasted approximately 7 months, before I was finally sent home.
When I came home I was completely disconnected from myself. All I could do was sit there and ask why over and over again. Why would someone do this? What possesses someone to act the way they did? What leads to people having such a lack of humanity, compassion, understanding? Where do people go so wrong? How can things like this happen so easily? I spent weeks not able to get up from my bed, not able to eat anything more then a couple crackers. I had night terrors every night, waking moments filled with misery and regret. Acute stress disorder, which would later morph into PTSD. I could not work, out of fear of the boss watching me. I could not go to school, for fear of the classmates I could not see in my peripheral vision. I dropped out and started working in closed captioning. I loved that job, I just wish it paid more. It was 2 years after this that I got cheated on. Just as I had built up the confidence to start going out and working again in the world. That was when I was reset back to square one, once again. That breakup really did crush me, and was the closest I've ever actually come to wholeheartedly committing suicide because of how empty I was without her. I should have seen it coming though by the changes in her personality. But it wasn't that I missed, it was the person I fell in love with. I kept telling myself that it would pass, that one day I would wake up and it would be the old Melissa again, with that beautiful smile to tell me how much she loved me. The last 6 months of our relationship it was not that, it was this strange person I barely recognized. I wish I could get closure, but I'm conflicted because I don't even want to give her the time of day to tell me. I despise cheaters, always have.
My younger brother, N, was actually very paramount in keeping my head above the water in both of these scenarios. He is just a good guy with so many caring traits about him, though he never expresses it. Very easy to talk to and always giving good advice. I spent so many long nights talking with him over marijuana or movies. These times were lost when I got my CDL and was gone all week.
I fell too quickly in love with another girl, P. In retrospect I know she was not for me as we were severely ideologically opposed, and she was very strong in her belief system. I respected it, but Marxists generally don't get along with Libertarians too much, that's just the natural order of things I suppose, they have that whole "moral high ground" routine. By the time I hit that realization I feel like I damaged her really badly, which is something I to this day have not been able to forgive myself for, but don't know how to word it to her. I suppose I'll never be able to, and at this point it is pretty fruitless to even do so as she has moved far on and left me behind never to think of me again.
I worked with P for 2 years at a local pizzeria, Picasso II. I was a delivery driver with my Mercury Sable. It was a very good job for reintegration, and helped me build the confidence I needed to reach for my CDL. I always thought truck driving looked really cool, I had a whole wheel setup and Euro Truck 2 on my PCs for years, and finally decided to go for it. No boss over my shoulder, just me, my truck, and the road. I signed on to MTL after my college course, a family company based out of Cuba Alabama. I was lucky enough to be dedicated, which means I had one single pickup point every day, and delivered to Lowes stores in a specific radius. This was so amazing, and without that opportunity I feel I would have had so many more issues acclimating to the job. But I like to think I did really well. I had some bad luck here and there, but overall I was very smart, quick thinking, learned fast and got the job done every time no matter what. I did this for 2 years before the incident that lead to my termination.
In Rio Grande NJ, I went to go do my grocery shopping at the Walmart next door, when I realized NJ doesn't have any bags. I went to push my shopping cart to my truck when the wheels locked up at the edge of the property. At this time the truck came up to the stop sign. As I went to move my stuff out of the way he hit the gas and flung his trailer at me, coming within inches of running me over. The police came and though he was screaming and yelling at them to the point 4 officers were there, they did nothing. My counselor, who is black, says it was because the guy was back and the officers were white and didn't want to risk their jobs. Though they did ask him to get out of the truck multiple times, for him to refuse, and them to not ask anymore, I think that is plausible but shallow. I'm not sure why, I think it's just because police are lazy.
After I took the shopping cart back and was returning to my truck, the guy who I had to pass again starting yelling all kinds of crazy stuff at me talking about how he "gave me time to move" and "that's what I get." I was absolutely stunned, I could feel my jaw drop to the floor. This whole altercation was maybe 10 seconds max. I have no idea what I did to upset him so much, and never will. I spent the next 4 days going between the court house, police station back and forth, talking to attorneys after having a medical emergency that required going to the hospital and being sedated. After a couple weeks my company eventually terminated me, "failure to complete work tasks effectively" or something like that. Basically the corporate equivalent of "fuck you, that's why." I asked for 2 weeks of focused therapy, approved by my doctor, and approved by the company and was told my job is safe and I have nothing to worry about. They fired me 3 days later.
A friend of mine hooked me up with a girl, Isabelle. Really beautiful sweet girl, such a bright and bubbly persinality, at least so I thought. Boy did she play me like a fiddle. Taking me for my money and leaving like everyone else. This has happened all throughout my life. The most significant one was S, a girl I have been sweet on since the dawn of time. We met at my first job, which was Dunkin Donuts in Southside Easton. This location no longer exists, I think it was shut down by the health department. Her and I have moved on but always found our way back together. But once she was single everything was perfect. She came out with me in my truck for whole weeks, I went to see her whole weekends. We went so many places together across months and months. We said we will make it work this time, being adults now. After I got terminated she just....... Left. I don't know to where. She won't reply to me anymore, I see her online but everything gets ignored. Another one lost.
Nobody good wants to hire me now, having the stain of a termination on my record. I have applied but nobody answers me. They just ask why I was terminated and say they will call me back. I don't see it happening unless I work for one of those slave wage mega carriers, and I will not do that.
No, this is where it comes to a close. Funny thing is that I always told myself if a situation comes up where death looks me in the eyes, I will take it. But reflexes if not seeing it coming I suppose kept that from happening. I also said if I lost this job and can't find another one, I will do it myself. This time I have been able to prepare, and prepare I have done, mentally and physically. I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. Prove everyone, and myself, wrong by making it. I got into a high paying career, I bought a 2005 Maserati Gransport, a gorgeous car. I got to experience true love, and everything that comes with it. But if you've noticed a trend, whenever I get something really good going for myself, something outside of my control always pushes me back to the start line. The deal with Summer, Isabelle, losing my job, attempted vehicular assault, all of that at once is the last straw for me. I will not allow myself to go through this again because I am not strong enough. I have been beaten down too many times. As I stated, I've gotten what I want, the rest is just going to be pain and struggle considering all I've lost since 2017. I do not see any point in continuing with this current trajectory of constantly reverting back to square one.
Another friend of mine was lost too in recent months, K. She was always such a huge support system for me through everything, until recently. She always gets these boyfriends and then stops replying to me. Then she will be single and I'll hear all the time, then she gets another boyfriend and disappears.
Recently a friend of mine, MF, got me really drunk and I poured a lot of this onto him, actually an alarmingly frightening amount that in hindsight is a miracle the goon squad didn't come for me. He reassured me that he would be there for me, but I have yet to actually hear from him. Another sign in my mind that it's my time. On Facebook I have asked for people to get me out of the house, all of those have been ignored. Yet I can post something funny and everyone will reply. This is another sign I see that it's my time to depart. This is my best opportunity to disappear with the least amount of people caring.
This is where we reach the present day, and what will be the end of this tale. If you have made it to this point just know that I appreciate you so much. There's a word that describes something like this, sonder. It's an understanding that everyone around you lives a life as vivid and complex as your own, even though you never see it with your eyes or experience it. I was always very intrigued and in touch with sonder, and always saught to see as much as I could from the eyes of as many people as I could. If you read this in its entirety, I like to think you are one of those people as well. Hold onto that, wherever you go. It is a unique quality that sets you apart from so many other people and makes you such a better person.
That always was my goal, to help people see the good in themselves and grow with/through them.
My name is B.
And this is my story.
