Been suicidal for over half my life now, I honestly don't know why I'm still here

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

There's a point where you just know things won't get better, when an unsettling supposition becomes a morbid reality. Hope is the only thing that can keep you going amidst the despair, and mine has long been spent. I honestly feel so pathetic for feeling the way that I do, yet still sticking around like a parasitic leech, draining it's host.

Whenever I think it can't get any worse, it always does. My life is a prime example of effort not translating to success and reward, for many years I have fought this battle and I know it's something that can't be won. In my life, it's been a constant stream of losses, without much to gain. As time creeps forward and you become cognizant of it's passage as well as how your body ages, this realisation becomes all the more bitter.

It's crazy to me to think that I have spent over half my life being suicidal, and I'm still here, and still miserable. When I first started feeling suicidal around age 12/13, I remember being told that it would be temporary. Yet, I quickly came to realise that platitudes don't change anything, actions do. And actions were not taken during critical periods of my development which could have altered the course of my life and potentially freed me from this fucking pit of despair. That's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

To exist like this is isolating beyond belief, and with each failed treatment, each setback, you become more and more estranged from what is normal and commonplace to the point where you no longer feel human. I remember the glimmer of hope and spark that was left in my eyes when I was told as a teenager that once I became an adult and left behind abusive people in my life who had hurt me, I could truly blossom. What I was not told is that illness would follow me always, that sickness would be my shadow for the rest of my days, and I never stood a chance.

I've had autism since I was born, and mental health issues like PTSD since early childhood. Then during my teenage years I started experiencing chronic pain and fatigue. No one on this earth seems to understand the toll that being let down over and over again does to you, when you get hyped up for the next treatment or thread of hope only for it to inevitably be crushed. When you realise that in your own personal situation, that feelings of hopelessness are warranted and rational because you tried everything in your power to make it better and nothing ever came to fruition.

I am so tired and ready to go. I've been on over 30 different drugs throughout my lifetime to try and heal my PTSD and my physical health issues, and nothing makes a dent in it. I've tried more therapists than you can count and have been told that I cannot be helped. I've spent thousands on private healthcare and supplements to try and get any sort of assistance with my chronic health issues, and nothing alleviates my pain or exhaustion.

After I had invasive surgery a few months ago for a different health issue, I haven't been the same. A month into surgery recovery my fatigue and brainfog suddenly got worse and it was like I died inside completely and became incredibly emotionally numb. I almost didn't finish university because I was too dumb to complete my work and would spend hours in front of the computer meant to be writing my thesis but I couldn't because my head was completely empty and my memory was shit.

I have lost so much and there is truly no point in continuing. My mother abandoned me as a baby, alcoholic father died early in my childhood, abusive family members that I was still attached too died as well, my grandpa that loved me is dead, my grandmother who is my last relative that loves me is sick and approaching extremely old age, I am truly alone in this world. My health is gone, I have experienced incurable chronic fatigue for over 6 years now with 0 improvement in symptom reduction whatsoever, and I also have degenerative disc disease and chronic back pain as well as nerve issues. The health service witholds pain management from me and tells me to take paracetamol so I get no relief for my chronic pain at all.

I am *only* 24 everyone says, but I feel more like a geriatric old man. I have seen and lived through the type of things that some people go their whole lives without dealing with, and I'm beyond exhausted. I've been traumatized and degraded more times than I can even count, most of my life has been filled with abusive relationships including being groomed as a young teenager, being sexually assaulted, and raped. I've had symptoms of PTSD since I was 5 years old and got violated by a doctor.

I'm so messed up that I can't really have relationships and am doomed to be permanently alone and struggling, not only due to my PTSD but due to the fact that the chronic illness has made me utterly dull and insufferable, difficult to be around, and a complete drain. I am often completely silent, I'm tired all of the time, and can't keep up with how other people live. I don't even think I have the capacity to love anymore, and once you hit this stage there is no colour in life anymore, only bleakness and rot. I've been abandoned by most of the people I ever cared about, and my illness has orchestrated many of these losses.

On their own, some of my issues might seem surmountable, but combined, they are simply unbearable. People do not understand the anguish I go through, or they accuse me of being depressed and chalk it up to that. As a teenager, I was often depressed though, and I don't feel this way anymore, I had so many things I wanted to do and experience, so many hopes and dreams that were snuffed out by the devastation of my conditions.

I had a passion for research and trying to improve the broken healthcare industry, yet with my level of disability, I can never work in this field. I tried working in a hospital and academic lab and was constantly unable to perform to the level expected, falling asleep from exhaustion, and accused of laziness. When you have CFS though, everyone thinks you're a faker though and does not believe you are actually ill. Despite my PTSD, I actually wanted to become a doctor, but my PTSD is so severe I involuntarily get aroused by triggering things and it's absolutely disgusting and one of the things that's ruined my life completely and that no mental health "professional" could ever wrap their heads around.

I have nightmares about my failed dreams of becoming a doctor and clinical trials researcher frequently. Even if I were well though and my health miraculously improved, I don't have the money to afford a medical degree. At my university graduation, I had to choke back tears as many of my classmates walked across the stage and towards post-graduate medicine courses, while I had to sit with the knowledge that I will never be able to do anything and will become destitute if I don't ctb.

I will never marry or have children, and I will never have a career. There is just no point in living that way to me, it's pure misery. I've done several things I've always wanted to in the past few months, hoping that these impulsive splurges and decisions would improve my situation slightly, but they didn't. I always wanted to travel, and I got the chance to go to Japan and several Asian countries, yet I was completely miserable and in pain the entire time, trying to push through the fog, fatigue, and awful physical pain.

Before my illness got so bad, I studied languages a lot and got child-like proficiency in Japanese. When I was in Japan many locals complimented my language skills and told me I should come to Japan in the long term since my hobbies, interests, and mannerisms seem more suited towards living in Asia. I just wanted to cry, because if they knew the truth that I was a doomed cripple, they would never say those things. Truth be told, I would love to do those things, but I am not able. I wish I could read and write and make art and study and work, but instead I lay in bed most of my time, my head empty and my body burning with fever.

All my prospects in life are quickly drying up. There is a quote from Sylvia Plath, an author who ctb early in her life, about this that I often reflect on, I think many of us here can find it relatable:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

When you can't have any of those figs, what even is life, except a futile exercise in merely existing? I honestly don't know why I'm still here, besides animalistic fear. I have gotten so close many times, but I can't bring myself to drink the salt. God, I wish I could though. I just want this to be over. I have spent many birthdays since I joined this forum, and nothing ever changes for the better. I wish I could even shed a tear, but I can't anymore. I wish I could be free instead of whining on here all the time like a broken record.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so torturous what you've had to endure, existence is just too cruel, I find it horrible how people suffer so much all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[ihatemylife]

There's a point where you just know things won't get better, when an unsettling supposition becomes a morbid reality. Hope is the only thing that can keep you going amidst the despair, and mine has long been spent. I honestly feel so pathetic for feeling the way that I do, yet still sticking around like a parasitic leech, draining it's host.

Whenever I think it can't get any worse, it always does. My life is a prime example of effort not translating to success and reward, for many years I have fought this battle and I know it's something that can't be won. In my life, it's been a constant stream of losses, without much to gain. As time creeps forward and you become cognizant of it's passage as well as how your body ages, this realisation becomes all the more bitter.

It's crazy to me to think that I have spent over half my life being suicidal, and I'm still here, and still miserable. When I first started feeling suicidal around age 12/13, I remember being told that it would be temporary. Yet, I quickly came to realise that platitudes don't change anything, actions do. And actions were not taken during critical periods of my development which could have altered the course of my life and potentially freed me from this fucking pit of despair. That's something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

To exist like this is isolating beyond belief, and with each failed treatment, each setback, you become more and more estranged from what is normal and commonplace to the point where you no longer feel human. I remember the glimmer of hope and spark that was left in my eyes when I was told as a teenager that once I became an adult and left behind abusive people in my life who had hurt me, I could truly blossom. What I was not told is that illness would follow me always, that sickness would be my shadow for the rest of my days, and I never stood a chance.

I've had autism since I was born, and mental health issues like PTSD since early childhood. Then during my teenage years I started experiencing chronic pain and fatigue. No one on this earth seems to understand the toll that being let down over and over again does to you, when you get hyped up for the next treatment or thread of hope only for it to inevitably be crushed. When you realise that in your own personal situation, that feelings of hopelessness are warranted and rational because you tried everything in your power to make it better and nothing ever came to fruition.

I am so tired and ready to go. I've been on over 30 different drugs throughout my lifetime to try and heal my PTSD and my physical health issues, and nothing makes a dent in it. I've tried more therapists than you can count and have been told that I cannot be helped. I've spent thousands on private healthcare and supplements to try and get any sort of assistance with my chronic health issues, and nothing alleviates my pain or exhaustion.

After I had invasive surgery a few months ago for a different health issue, I haven't been the same. A month into surgery recovery my fatigue and brainfog suddenly got worse and it was like I died inside completely and became incredibly emotionally numb. I almost didn't finish university because I was too dumb to complete my work and would spend hours in front of the computer meant to be writing my thesis but I couldn't because my head was completely empty and my memory was shit.

I have lost so much and there is truly no point in continuing. My mother abandoned me as a baby, alcoholic father died early in my childhood, abusive family members that I was still attached too died as well, my grandpa that loved me is dead, my grandmother who is my last relative that loves me is sick and approaching extremely old age, I am truly alone in this world. My health is gone, I have experienced incurable chronic fatigue for over 6 years now with 0 improvement in symptom reduction whatsoever, and I also have degenerative disc disease and chronic back pain as well as nerve issues. The health service witholds pain management from me and tells me to take paracetamol so I get no relief for my chronic pain at all.

I am *only* 24 everyone says, but I feel more like a geriatric old man. I have seen and lived through the type of things that some people go their whole lives without dealing with, and I'm beyond exhausted. I've been traumatized and degraded more times than I can even count, most of my life has been filled with abusive relationships including being groomed as a young teenager, being sexually assaulted, and raped. I've had symptoms of PTSD since I was 5 years old and got violated by a doctor.

I'm so messed up that I can't really have relationships and am doomed to be permanently alone and struggling, not only due to my PTSD but due to the fact that the chronic illness has made me utterly dull and insufferable, difficult to be around, and a complete drain. I am often completely silent, I'm tired all of the time, and can't keep up with how other people live. I don't even think I have the capacity to love anymore, and once you hit this stage there is no colour in life anymore, only bleakness and rot. I've been abandoned by most of the people I ever cared about, and my illness has orchestrated many of these losses.

On their own, some of my issues might seem surmountable, but combined, they are simply unbearable. People do not understand the anguish I go through, or they accuse me of being depressed and chalk it up to that. As a teenager, I was often depressed though, and I don't feel this way anymore, I had so many things I wanted to do and experience, so many hopes and dreams that were snuffed out by the devastation of my conditions.

I had a passion for research and trying to improve the broken healthcare industry, yet with my level of disability, I can never work in this field. I tried working in a hospital and academic lab and was constantly unable to perform to the level expected, falling asleep from exhaustion, and accused of laziness. When you have CFS though, everyone thinks you're a faker though and does not believe you are actually ill. Despite my PTSD, I actually wanted to become a doctor, but my PTSD is so severe I involuntarily get aroused by triggering things and it's absolutely disgusting and one of the things that's ruined my life completely and that no mental health "professional" could ever wrap their heads around.

I have nightmares about my failed dreams of becoming a doctor and clinical trials researcher frequently. Even if I were well though and my health miraculously improved, I don't have the money to afford a medical degree. At my university graduation, I had to choke back tears as many of my classmates walked across the stage and towards post-graduate medicine courses, while I had to sit with the knowledge that I will never be able to do anything and will become destitute if I don't ctb.

I will never marry or have children, and I will never have a career. There is just no point in living that way to me, it's pure misery. I've done several things I've always wanted to in the past few months, hoping that these impulsive splurges and decisions would improve my situation slightly, but they didn't. I always wanted to travel, and I got the chance to go to Japan and several Asian countries, yet I was completely miserable and in pain the entire time, trying to push through the fog, fatigue, and awful physical pain.

Before my illness got so bad, I studied languages a lot and got child-like proficiency in Japanese. When I was in Japan many locals complimented my language skills and told me I should come to Japan in the long term since my hobbies, interests, and mannerisms seem more suited towards living in Asia. I just wanted to cry, because if they knew the truth that I was a doomed cripple, they would never say those things. Truth be told, I would love to do those things, but I am not able. I wish I could read and write and make art and study and work, but instead I lay in bed most of my time, my head empty and my body burning with fever.

All my prospects in life are quickly drying up. There is a quote from Sylvia Plath, an author who ctb early in her life, about this that I often reflect on, I think many of us here can find it relatable:

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

When you can't have any of those figs, what even is life, except a futile exercise in merely existing? I honestly don't know why I'm still here, besides animalistic fear. I have gotten so close many times, but I can't bring myself to drink the salt. God, I wish I could though. I just want this to be over. I have spent many birthdays since I joined this forum, and nothing ever changes for the better. I wish I could even shed a tear, but I can't anymore. I wish I could be free instead of whining on here all the time like a broken record.

I relate to this post so much. I'm so sorry for your suffering. I just wish we could be free!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry your post didn't get the amount of engagement it deserved.. You really opened up a lot about your deepest feelings.

Pretty much everything you wrote really resonated with me except I was never able to complete college. That's a huge accomplishment, especially when struggling so profoundly with your mental and physical health.

I've been suicidal since forever and resigned to it for a long time even though I desperately long for freedom. Yet I'm still here. I've been a member here for over a year which is way longer than I ever anticipated and have long outstripped your post count (for in terms of pound-for-pound content quality there are not many who could rival you...). I acquired SN within a month after joining, in fact very shortly before the company I ordered from finally wised up and implemented restrictions. But I'm n still here. I guess if I had more confidence in its efficacy and in it not being a terrible experience it'd be easier. Though unpleasantness is easier to tolerate in light of eventual success but again the lack of confidence. It'd also be easier to summon the necessary b resolve to act if things were acutely terrible like they were at points in the past instead of the generally dull, throbbing agony as of late.

Whenever I think it can't get any worse, it always does. My life is a prime example of effort not translating to success and reward, for many years I have fought this battle and I know it's something that can't be won. In my life, it's been a constant stream of losses, without much to gain. As time creeps forward and you become cognizant of it's passage as well as how your body ages, this realisation becomes all the more bitter.

Oh yeah. Tenacity that bears no fruit at all. "But you're so strong!" Like shut the fuck up.

I've had autism since I was born, and mental health issues like PTSD since early childhood. Then during my teenage years I started experiencing chronic pain and fatigue. No one on this earth seems to understand the toll that being let down over and over again does to you, when you get hyped up for the next treatment or thread of hope only for it to inevitably be crushed. When you realise that in your own personal situation, that feelings of hopelessness are warranted and rational because you tried everything in your power to make it better and nothing ever came to fruition.
.

I wish I had just been euthanized when my autism diagnosis was made at 13/14 the summer before high school (it should've been made earlier but they know fuck-all about neurodivergence). In light of the things that prompted the diagnosis that signaled that only a painful life in light of the issues that prompted that diagnosis and a life that would most likely end in self a termination anyways. Instead I was just given over to more therapy that couldn't do squat about issues caused by autism and which culminated in a traumatizing hospitalization. There was never any real, substantive help forthcoming with it and all forms of treatment were imposed uniformly on people np matter how different neurodivergent people are. It was extremely difficult for me to motivate myself to live if I had to deal with this condition. But then I developed my own mysterious ailment out of blue which you know about and though it's not fatigue I feel the same way about it as you do yours. It also was the worst thing I could have imagined could happen to me, even though of course I never do imagine any such thing would happen. After an experience like that you are changed forever because you came face-to-face with the sheer fact of just how terrible life can be. Tike can help with trauma somewhat but I have also come to learn that if you can't effectively resolve it to a real degree, it makes the trauma feel so much heavier as you drag it though the ever-increasing years.

I am truly alone in the world.

Just so I understand right you have a partner, right? Does he not give any sense of connection or intimacy? I'm not suggesting that should be the case, just want some clarity. It sounds like from previous posts the relationship wasn't very fulfilling and that you remain in it because status quos just aren't that easily budged.

I am *only* 24 everyone says, but I feel more like a geriatric old man.

I used to be "only" 21, 22, 23 and so on lol. By the time you reach your mid-20's I believe you can form a reasonable assessment of what the rest of your life will look like especially if you have immutable issues like autism that have been the major themes of your life.

that no mental health "professional" could ever wrap their heads around.

Fuck the mental health world. That was one of the worst things about having autism, that it meant being shoved in that world at such a young age.

I have nightmares about my failed dreams of becoming a doctor and clinical trials researcher frequently. Even if I were well though and my health miraculously improved, I don't have the money to afford a medical degree. At my university graduation, I had to choke back tears as many of my classmates walked across the stage and towards post-graduate medicine courses, while I had to sit with the knowledge that I will never be able to do anything and will become destitute if I don't ctb.

I'm so sorry; that's so incredibly devastating. I can relate because my issues held me back whole my peers moved forward regardless of academic competence or performance, bit I never really got as close as you did. The truth is most of us never come close to realizing our full potential but I guess some get closer than others. I'm so sorry you have been prevented from achieving self-actualization. It's a profound loss not just for yourself but for the entire world as well.

I will never marry or have children, and I will never have a career.

The same is true for me. It seems I as just destined to be a failed adult, viewed with pity and scorn. When young people die suddenly, it's always lamented how they never got to go on to have careers, spouses, children, and other normal positive experiences. But those were never going to be part of my life. At my a little older age I can't fake the funk anymore and maintain a tenuous facade of normalcy any longer.

I guess your travels through Japan and Asia explain your absence. I'm glad you were able to fulfill that desire even if it was bittersweet. Unsurprisingly perhaps I am also a bit of a weeb.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm sorry your post didn't get the amount of engagement it deserved.. You really opened up a lot about your deepest feelings.

Pretty much everything you wrote really resonated with me except I was never able to complete college. That's a huge accomplishment, especially when struggling so profoundly with your mental and physical health.

I've been suicidal since forever and resigned to it for a long time even though I desperately long for freedom. Yet I'm still here. I've been a member here for over a year which is way longer than I ever anticipated and have long outstripped your post count (for in terms of pound-for-pound content quality there are not many who could rival you...). I acquired SN within a month after joining, in fact very shortly before the company I ordered from finally wised up and implemented restrictions. But I'm n still here. I guess if I had more confidence in its efficacy and in it not being a terrible experience it'd be easier. Though unpleasantness is easier to tolerate in light of eventual success but again the lack of confidence. It'd also be easier to summon the necessary b resolve to act if things were acutely terrible like they were at points in the past instead of the generally dull, throbbing agony as of late.


Oh yeah. Tenacity that bears no fruit at all. "But you're so strong!" Like shut the fuck up.


I wish I had just been euthanized when my autism diagnosis was made at 13/14 the summer before high school (it should've been made earlier but they know fuck-all about neurodivergence). In light of the things that prompted the diagnosis that signaled that only a painful life in light of the issues that prompted that diagnosis and a life that would most likely end in self a termination anyways. Instead I was just given over to more therapy that couldn't do squat about issues caused by autism and which culminated in a traumatizing hospitalization. There was never any real, substantive help forthcoming with it and all forms of treatment were imposed uniformly on people np matter how different neurodivergent people are. It was extremely difficult for me to motivate myself to live if I had to deal with this condition. But then I developed my own mysterious ailment out of blue which you know about and though it's not fatigue I feel the same way about it as you do yours. It also was the worst thing I could have imagined could happen to me, even though of course I never do imagine any such thing would happen. After an experience like that you are changed forever because you came face-to-face with the sheer fact of just how terrible life can be. Tike can help with trauma somewhat but I have also come to learn that if you can't effectively resolve it to a real degree, it makes the trauma feel so much heavier as you drag it though the ever-increasing years.




Just so I understand right you have a partner, right? Does he not give any sense of connection or intimacy? I'm not suggesting that should be the case, just want some clarity. It sounds like from previous posts the relationship wasn't very fulfilling and that you remain in it because status quos just aren't that easily budged.


I used to be "only" 21, 22, 23 and so on lol. By the time you reach your mid-20's I believe you can form a reasonable assessment of what the rest of your life will look like especially if you have immutable issues like autism that have been the major themes of your life.


Fuck the mental health world. That was one of the worst things about having autism, that it meant being shoved in that world at such a young age.


I'm so sorry; that's so incredibly devastating. I can relate because my issues held me back whole my peers moved forward regardless of academic competence or performance, bit I never really got as close as you did. The truth is most of us never come close to realizing our full potential but I guess some get closer than others. I'm so sorry you have been prevented from achieving self-actualization. It's a profound loss not just for yourself but for the entire world as well.



The same is true for me. It seems I as just destined to be a failed adult, viewed with pity and scorn. When young people die suddenly, it's always lamented how they never got to go on to have careers, spouses, children, and other normal positive experiences. But those were never going to be part of my life. At my a little older age I can't fake the funk anymore and maintain a tenuous facade of normalcy any longer.

I guess your travels through Japan and Asia explain your absence. I'm glad you were able to fulfill that desire even if it was bittersweet. Unsurprisingly perhaps I am also a bit of a weeb.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses, like always. I wanted to wait until I had sufficient brainpower to reply back.

I know exactly how you feel about suffering through dull monotony, and not having the motivation of those acute despairing lows which would stoke the fires prompting me to get this over with. I too acquired the salt and all the necessary materials after only a few months of being here and got close to doing it, only to be stopped once by paramedics and police banging down the door, and other times my own cowardice after fasting all day alone. To be stuck in this sort of limbo is pure hell, so my heart goes out to you.

Autism is one of the most devastating things to deal with, I feel like, because as you've eloquently described it, it's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. You can go through the wringer of the MH system, all the therapies that are fundamentally not designed for autistic people in the first place, and come out on the other end feeling more defeated than before, or you can opt out and be judged by the rest of the world or wonder if xyz fad therapy would've made a difference.

I'm really sorry to hear that you had to wait so long for the diagnosis. I went through nearly the exact same thing, albeit I managed to escape getting hospitalised by the skin of my teeth multiple times. Got diagnosed at age 17 and was told it was too late in my life to receive any tangible help, as interventions for autism are geared towards extremely early development, anything after is basically the same copy pasted CBT and stuff that's thrown to everyone with a vaguely brain related ailment. It felt more like dog training than real, actual help which would benefit my wellbeing.

I always found it ironic that people say, "Oh you're only 20, 21 etc" too because with autism, it's lifelong, and positive interventions that can give an autistic person better self confidence, speech, and self-management skills have to be carried out during early childhood. By the teenage years and beyond those patterns have already formed, so many autistic people miss the boat and have to suffer through horrific treatment during their adolescence especially when other children realize you aren't "normal." This carries on into adulthood, except now we're meant to be able to control it and function perfectly as if we aren't neurodiverse.

I hate that you have to suffer from a mysterious illness of your own too. It really grinds away any faith that one has left in institutions (especially the medical system) when you go so long without answers, treatment, or even a simple acknowledgement that what you're experiencing is valid. It will drive anyone mad, and it's unfathomable to the average person because in their limited understanding, they believe that when you feel sick, you just go to medical professionals and they always have a solution. Or if they don't have a means of mitigating your affliction, whatever you've come down with will heal on its own or your body will mend itself. This is a stark contrast to many of our realities on this forum.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that once you hit a certain point in your 20s, you're mature enough to reflect and realize what sort of things are a locked in deal, catching glimpses of what the future may hold is far more tangible than say, being a healthy 18 year old with endless possibilities and the world at your feet. Once you become chronically ill, or you've spent a lifetime grappling with the more permanent brain wiring of autism and cptsd, you get a much better read on what's possible and what isn't anymore. In my case, I know I'm just doomed, and it's a bitter pill to swallow, especially when I've been forced to maintain that veneer of normalcy and pretend like things will get better.

You're right that I do have a partner, but it's been a loveless relationship born out of necessity. We've been together on and off for over 5 years, since I was 19 and the relationship was extremely volatile and emotionally abusive especially for the first couple years. We can't understand each other, despite both being autistic, and it's like fire and ice. My boyfriend's family also hates me because they think I need to "stop whining and complaining and get over the chronic fatigue" and also that I choose to have PTSD/be mentally ill and "refuse treatment" even though I spent years in so called treatment and it only made me worse. They have threatened to have me sectioned before, and basically cut me off completely, isolating me further.

During heated arguments my bf has admitted that he's only with me because he can't get anything else, and that if I left no one else would love me or want to put up with me, no one would take care of me, and he's the only one that would. So for so long I've just had to endure a miserable existence with someone who clearly resents me, and I resent him too. But I have no one else. I had a really close friend online for years who developed romantic feelings for me and I was so eager to run away with him and have a shot at a less lonesome and spiteful existence, but he ended up abandoning me in the end for drugs and partying. When we saw each other in person, he could not fundamentally understand how disabled and impaired I am, but once he came to terms with this, he dropped me like trash on the streets.

It has been really hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm only constantly losing things and never gaining anything in return like normal people would. There's no career, no happy marriage, and no family on the horizon, no learning a talent or skill, just this listless rotting that I can't stand to bear. I know it really hurts you as well, the absence of those things. When we get older and more and more people hit these milestones, it feels so deeply heart wrenching to be left behind.

I wish there was something more for people like us, rather than simply understanding this plight and lamenting. God knows, you deserve to be out there living, after everything you've been through. I will never understand why the world is so persistently cruel to the people who deserve kindness and a break the most.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Sorry for the delayed response.

Autism is one of the most devastating things to deal with, I feel like, because as you've eloquently described it, it's a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. You can go through the wringer of the MH system, all the therapies that are fundamentally not designed for autistic people in the first place, and come out on the other end feeling more defeated than before, or you can opt out and be judged by the rest of the world or wonder if xyz fad therapy would've made a difference.

I'm really sorry to hear that you had to wait so long for the diagnosis. I went through nearly the exact same thing, albeit I managed to escape getting hospitalised by the skin of my teeth multiple times. Got diagnosed at age 17 and was told it was too late in my life to receive any tangible help, as interventions for autism are geared towards extremely early development, anything after is basically the same copy pasted CBT and stuff that's thrown to everyone with a vaguely brain related ailment. It felt more like dog training than real, actual help which would benefit my wellbeing.

It actually wouldn't have made a difference if I had been diagnosed earlier; that was just to highlight their incompetence when it comes to neurodivergence (what other explanation is there for a child being obsessed with all the different species of African antelope?). There was never anything that ever was going to make my experience any better because the problems posed by the condition, at least how they manifested in me, just weren't touchable by therapy and meds or any other kinds of ingerventonsy, which often just made it worse. But that's an awfully long story.

It's frustrating because I have a NT twin so you can imagine the joy that is. In recent years poor mental health caught up to him. So perhaps poor mental health was my destiny no matter what. Still I really doubt he'll ever CTB because he just doesn't have to bear the same kinds of burdens and he's had access to all the normal stuff.

I always found it ironic that people say, "Oh you're only 20, 21 etc" too because with autism, it's lifelong, and positive interventions that can give an autistic person better self confidence, speech, and self-management skills have to be carried out during early childhood. By the teenage years and beyond those patterns have already formed, so many autistic people miss the boat and have to suffer through horrific treatment during their adolescence especially when other children realize you aren't "normal." This carries on into adulthood, except now we're meant to be able to control it and function perfectly as if we aren't neurodiverse.

It's a developmental disorder. Usually when the normal development of something is negatively affected the final product doesn't prove to work quite right. Not being able to have developed normally is something I feel very bad about and don't feel like being resentful over for a whole lifetime. Having to be my brother's odd brother was not fun!

I hate that you have to suffer from a mysterious illness of your own too. It really grinds away any faith that one has left in institutions (especially the medical system) when you go so long without answers, treatment, or even a simple acknowledgement that what you're experiencing is valid. It will drive anyone mad, and it's unfathomable to the average person because in their limited understanding, they believe that when you feel sick, you just go to medical professionals and they always have a solution. Or if they don't have a means of mitigating your affliction, whatever you've come down with will heal on its own or your body will mend itself. This is a stark contrast to many of our realities on this forum.

To be honest the physical pain as such hasn't been at such a level that would tend to drive someone to suicide for many years. Really it was the first year that was excruciating. When I wrote that text it was like that and continued to be for several more months until it greatly subsided for unknown reasons. Bear in mind there was never any sign that it was going to get any better until it did. The psychological aspect is what is most painful nowadays. Going through such a terrible thing all my myself without any understanding or acknowledgement was incredibly traumatic and I have to manage those feelings every damn day. This has been such an integral part of my experience that not having that understanding drives a permanent wedge between me and others. Intimacy is rendered impossible. And being autistic you can imagine that the chasm was already pretty wide. And even if I find compassionate and sympathetic people like you, that doesn't mean they'll have any real notion of what it is I have gone through (a sad reality you can agree with I'm sure). Of course validation is just as important and I'm grateful for those kernels of it I get.

We can contrast this with my.poor cousin's situation. He is your age and he has a painful malady called erythromelalgia. But at least it has a recognized name and he receives acknowledgement from professionals and people in his personal life that he is dealing with "something".

But yeah, I do wish it were as painful as it used to be because that'd make trying to leave so much easier.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that once you hit a certain point in your 20s, you're mature enough to reflect and realize what sort of things are a locked in deal, catching glimpses of what the future may hold is far more tangible than say, being a healthy 18 year old with endless possibilities and the world at your feet. Once you become chronically ill, or you've spent a lifetime grappling with the more permanent brain wiring of autism and cptsd, you get a much better read on what's possible and what isn't anymore. In my case, I know I'm just doomed, and it's a bitter pill to swallow, especially when I've been forced to maintain that veneer of normalcy and pretend like things will get better.

You're only one year away from reaching mythical brain maturation. Your fears aren't unfounded anyways because there are older people who are living lives like the one you sadly envision for yourself. It's not some phantom you've concocted in your mind.

I'm sorry your relationship is so terrible. It would probably be facile advice to say to leave him. Unsurprisingly romance has been one of the experiences I've been locked out of, though it's not at the top of the list of I things I personally find most important.

It has been really hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm only constantly losing things and never gaining anything in return like normal people would. There's no career, no happy marriage, and no family on the horizon, no learning a talent or skill, just this listless rotting that I can't stand to bear. I know it really hurts you as well, the absence of those things. When we get older and more and more people hit these milestones, it feels so deeply heart wrenching to be left behind.

I wish there was something more for people like us, rather than simply understanding this plight and lamenting. God knows, you deserve to be out there living, after everything you've been through. I will never understand why the world is so persistently cruel to the people who deserve kindness and a break the most.

Your situation is definitely one of the worst cases of a discrepancy between what one gets and what one deserves that I've heard of. Maybe it's a function of the handful of years I have on you, but I find myself less fixated as the "deserve" bit as i used to. It's mainly a weariness and an impatient frustration at being unable to follow through. All day every day all around the world people with everything to live for are forced to embrace death. My case is just another patch woven into the tragic tapestry of life. But of course I appreciate the sentiments. Even saying that it still never fails to astonish me just how assymetrical life is. And there's no balancing things out either via some cosmic force or some law of averages. Well, exxluding death I guess, but that's beside the point. Even then there is still a difference I think between having a happy and stable life, or relatively so, that ends on some terrible dsy, versus having a life marked by struggle and suffering that ends in self-termination from being unable to endure it (or in any other way too I guess).

Meh.