Been sitting here for hours, vacantly staring into space.

[Imaginos]

And that's to say nothing of all these many years, populated with an unthinkable amount of equally miserable moments, where I've sat for just as many hours, day after day, night after night, with the same vacant stare. Losing the ability to cope was such a god damned blow to my already thoroughly impoverished existence that I don't think I'll ever stop reeling from it. It's NEVER going to feel the way it used to. It's NEVER going to get any better. The only thing worth any hell of a damn from my past, and it's just solely the fact that I could blissfully drown myself in mindless distractions. How sad is that? As things stand now, I can barely even force myself to do this shit anymore. Most nights it's flat-out impossible. But, of course, that just leaves me back to sitting here, with literally nothing else to do.

Even on those odd times where I actually can manage to "enjoy" my various copes again, it's over very quickly and the enjoyment itself is a pale shadow of what it used to be. And again, the true horror is actually when you can't even force yourself to do these things anymore. This has been happening more and more, especially with video games, which leaves me completely defenseless against the onslaught of torments brought about my horrifically empty existence. You're just eaten alive by that shit, like a swarming mass of ravenous rats nibbling you down to the bone, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's happening to me right now as I type this, as a matter of fact.

There's nothing I have anymore to keep the pain away. That slow moving blob of darkness known as raw misery, that I otherwise managed to keep at bay for a time, eventually crept up and swallowed me whole. Like a patient predator waiting for its prey to exhaust itself before moving in for the kill. Couldn't I have at least been allowed just a small token of peace? Was that so much to ask? And the nothingness both within and all around me whispers noiselessly, "Yes". Why'd things have to turn out this way? Damn it. Just fucking, damn it.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I am sorry you have to go through It. I feel like you are in really deep hole, dug not only by circumstances in the past but also by your mind running in circles.
Want to try just sitting with your boredom and being mindful of it like the man in your profile picture? Maybe you could find out real reason why you run away from It.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is a hopeless feeling when you know things will never get better. Life is just so horrible. I hope you find peace and freedom from your suffering.

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

I know the feeling. All I do is stare off into space too. I'm useless.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is beautifully written though and I can really relate.

 

[Maaizr]

same here swiftly losing my ability to cope, everything feels like nothing and has no meaning or any semblance of joy or contentment - all i do these days is work lmao atleast i'll have the $$$ to ctb the way i want

 

[Imaginos]

Want to try just sitting with your boredom and being mindful of it like the man in your profile picture? Maybe you could find out real reason why you run away from It.

Well, I'd say that on many occasions, and what is nowadays a majority of the time, I've been forced to do exactly that (turning my inner eye towards examining my behavior), but it very often leads to negative thought spirals and morbid self-attention. To do absolutely nothing, or to otherwise give into boredom, simply leaves me at the mercy of plummeting down through all this bottomless emptiness inside myself. I long ago realized that the main reason I run away from having to feel boredom is because I refuse to embrace a life of complete nothingness. It's just too painful, mainly because as a human being I feel I need to actually "do" something with my time, even if that's just staying occupied with distractive hobbies. Not to mention the fact that life stripped of all its trappings is akin to a searing hot cauldron belching fiery blasts of face scorching heat.

Now sure, it'd certainly be nice to be an enlightened guru who, through a mastering of meditative practices, has come to fully internalize a mindset that mere existence itself, without doing or requiring anything beyond the basics, is just as fulfilling as anything else. When you throw mental illness into the mix however (depression, OCD, and anhedonia being prime among them for me), these aren't the kinds of things you can just "will" or meditate away. My circumstances are also such that most anyone, even a placid monk, would find it pretty hard to stay serene and at peace with themselves. Given that I have pretty severe agoraphobia, along with about as serious a case of arrested development as you can get, my ability to change these circumstances is essentially nil. I also think that, at this point, I could never embrace mere existence as it is, even on a philosophical/spiritual level. Outside of my own subjective experience of it, life is a cruel and unforgiving void of misery. Through all my years of seeing and reading conflicting opinions to this stance, nothing has ever convinced me otherwise. To embrace this kind of existence feels like resigning yourself to a form of sadomasochism, where pain = pleasure. For me, pain is painful, and it can never be anything else.

 

[Lamebrain]

Eloquently put.

I'm in the same sinking ship, not that it helps, but it might to know you're not alone at least, pretty much everything you've said resonates with me, lol.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Well, I'd say that on many occasions, and what is nowadays a majority of the time, I've been forced to do exactly that (turning my inner eye towards examining my behavior), but it very often leads to negative thought spirals and morbid self-attention. To do absolutely nothing, or to otherwise give into boredom, simply leaves me at the mercy of plummeting down through all this bottomless emptiness inside myself. I long ago realized that the main reason I run away from having to feel boredom is because I refuse to embrace a life of complete nothingness. It's just too painful, mainly because as a human being I feel I need to actually "do" something with my time, even if that's just staying occupied with distractive hobbies. Not to mention the fact that life stripped of all its trappings is akin to a searing hot cauldron belching fiery blasts of face scorching heat.

Now sure, it'd certainly be nice to be an enlightened guru who, through a mastering of meditative practices, has come to fully internalize a mindset that mere existence itself, without doing or requiring anything beyond the basics, is just as fulfilling as anything else. When you throw mental illness into the mix however (depression, OCD, and anhedonia being prime among them for me), these aren't the kinds of things you can just "will" or meditate away. My circumstances are also such that most anyone, even a placid monk, would find it pretty hard to stay serene and at peace with themselves. Given that I have pretty severe agoraphobia, along with about as serious a case of arrested development as you can get, my ability to change these circumstances is essentially nil. I also think that, at this point, I could never embrace mere existence as it is, even on a philosophical/spiritual level. Outside of my own subjective experience of it, life is a cruel and unforgiving void of misery. Through all my years of seeing and reading conflicting opinions to this stance, nothing has ever convinced me otherwise. To embrace this kind of existence feels like resigning yourself to a form of sadomasochism, where pain = pleasure. For me, pain is painful, and it can never be anything else.

Sorry to hear that. I cannot really help you that much except for just giving you my condolences for your situation. Can you at least go outside? Like to the park or into the forest? It helps me when I have strength to get up and go there. I tried to give you an idea but I am sure It won't be ultimate solution, I am doing that really stupidly because most often this solutions only buy some time for me. I browse reddit and distract myself through that, lol maybe it helps you too. I mean this and SS are things to do and take care of.

 

[obliviousatbest]

It's a strange thing to sit despairingly, waiting for the void to consume us. I love your interpretation of this waking horror. Wishing you find peace from your torment however you need.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I love reading your posts

 

[Insomniac]

And that's to say nothing of all these many years, populated with an unthinkable amount of equally miserable moments, where I've sat for just as many hours, day after day, night after night, with the same vacant stare. Losing the ability to cope was such a god damned blow to my already thoroughly impoverished existence that I don't think I'll ever stop reeling from it. It's NEVER going to feel the way it used to. It's NEVER going to get any better. The only thing worth any hell of a damn from my past, and it's just solely the fact that I could blissfully drown myself in mindless distractions. How sad is that? As things stand now, I can barely even force myself to do this shit anymore. Most nights it's flat-out impossible. But, of course, that just leaves me back to sitting here, with literally nothing else to do.

Even on those odd times where I actually can manage to "enjoy" my various copes again, it's over very quickly and the enjoyment itself is a pale shadow of what it used to be. And again, the true horror is actually when you can't even force yourself to do these things anymore. This has been happening more and more, especially with video games, which leaves me completely defenseless against the onslaught of torments brought about my horrifically empty existence. You're just eaten alive by that shit, like a swarming mass of ravenous rats nibbling you down to the bone, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. It's happening to me right now as I type this, as a matter of fact.

There's nothing I have anymore to keep the pain away. That slow moving blob of darkness known as raw misery, that I otherwise managed to keep at bay for a time, eventually crept up and swallowed me whole. Like a patient predator waiting for its prey to exhaust itself before moving in for the kill. Couldn't I have at least been allowed just a small token of peace? Was that so much to ask? And the nothingness both within and all around me whispers noiselessly, "Yes". Why'd things have to turn out this way? Damn it. Just fucking, damn it.

do you have a job?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm right there with you. Just killing time.

 

[LittleJem]

Me too - I have spent all day in bed, depressed, and then this evening after a bit of self-medication, on this forum. That was my whole day. Rinse and repeat.

I used to meditate before the constant suicidal thoughts kicked in. One of the things depression robbed me of...

When will this torment end.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm finding that I'm just getting more and more used to this miserable situation. Actual CTB requires so much organization and motivation… Feels easier just to run down the clock doing nothing at all. Nobody actually wants to experience CTB. It's the most terrifying thing on earth quite possibly.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I'm finding that I'm just getting more and more used to this miserable situation. Actual CTB requires so much organization and motivation… Feels easier just to run down the clock doing nothing at all. Nobody actually wants to experience CTB. It's the most terrifying thing on earth quite possibly.

Everybody doesn't feel that way. I for one am excited to see what is on the other side, I'm also interested/excited to see what dying feels like. Since a kid I've always said I can't wait to see what happens after we die. I view it from a spiritual perspective - I'm excited in that aspect.

 

[marinekiwi]

Everybody doesn't feel that way. I for one am excited to see what is on the other side, I'm also interested/excited to see what dying feels like. Since a kid I've always said I can't wait to see what happens after we die. I view it from a spiritual perspective - I'm excited in that aspect.

Have you ever had a full night of sleep with no dreams at all? That's what it feels like to be dead.

And geez...I sure wake up feeling so well rested after a dreamless night!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Everybody doesn't feel that way. I for one am excited to see what is on the other side, I'm also interested/excited to see what dying feels like. Since a kid I've always said I can't wait to see what happens after we die. I view it from a spiritual perspective - I'm excited in that aspect.

When are you planning to make this happen?

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

Have you ever had a full night of sleep with no dreams at all? That's what it feels like to be dead.

And geez...I sure wake up feeling so well rested after a dreamless night!

It could be. None of us know for sure.

When are you planning to make this happen?

This week.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Godspeed