Venting Been a while

[Brokensoulwalking]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've been on here. In all honesty I've missed the place but I made a promise to someone i would give life a chance after last year when I made an attempt on my life. I was also embarrassed as my attempt failed and it makes me feel like I'm doing this for attention.

Probably a lot of rambling incoming sorry if you subject yourself to my pity party.

Unfortunately, things have fallen back into his they were. I started self harming again worse than before, I look in the mirror and say "I fucking hate you" and run a sharp knife across my chest or wrists.

I broke my soberierity last night for the first time in nearly 2 years clean, and I took a cocktail of whatever pills I had in my cupboard hoping it would knock me unconscious in the bath tub and I wouldn't wake up.

As a man I don't really know how to describe how I feel. I guess I'm not a man, I was raped several times as a child and I don't think I have any qualities a man could do. Everyone I've dated recently has told me what a bad person I am when it's ended and I believe them.

I am a terrible human being, only because the things I've witnessed have made me numb to everything. Violence is natural to me, I see it I don't bat an eyelid. If I hurt someone I don't care.

I can't describe what it is to feel cold other than I just feel nothing other than what I can touch and sadness.

I often ask myself did I deserve what happened to me. And in my mind I say yes I did, I must have done or will do something in my life to deserve this, karma is a debt we all have to pay.

I don't want to go into depth what happened to me, maybe when it gets closer to my day I will write everything down and put it in here.

My biggest regret is leaving my cat behind. She like me never had anyone love her when she was young, and I spent two years giving her the love she needed to feel safe and secure. Now she loves being around me but won't go near anyone else. If I could speak to her I would tell her how sorry I am, and I hope one of my friends can take her and give her the same love she deserves.

But I turn 32 in August. I planned a trip with my family half with my family and half with the girl I was seeing, I will spend the half with my family I will then travel to Lisbon and I will end my life there.

I have two options there. There is a bridge there which is high enough to jump from I just need to be quick so the police don't stop me.

Or I can go by my preferred method. Late at night when the city sleeps, I will get so drunk and high that I can't function and "fall" into the water by the docks. There is no way of getting back up and it will be too quiet for anyone to notice me. I will slowly drown and be at peace.

If you took the time to read this thank you. I will start to write my shitty life down and I will share it closer to the time.

 

[Kit1]

Dear Brokensoulwalking,

I am so sorry that you had such a traumatic childhood and understandably you are struggling and your life has turned out to be defined by that trauma. No child should be abused and no child or adult deserves that - child abuse and child sexual abuse is the cruellest human rights violation, the worst possible crime that can be committed and I am sorry that you were subjected to that. You did not do anything wrong as a child and it does not make you lesser of a man or a human being for being raped as a child. As an adult, if you have turned to violence that is unacceptable - and with help, you could learn to deal with that as it is possibly linked to the childhood trauma.

You have the right to decide on the fate of your life. Just reaching out to say that if you decide to reachbout for professional support, you might still be able to turn your life around. Uou are clearly suffering and your decision is understandable - provided you are aware that you have no blame in what happened to you as a child and deserve to be happy as an adult. But the decision is yours.

 

[halleyscomet]

The fact that you have survived this long despite everything, makes you one of the strongest men there are.

I hope you find the peace you're looking for.