trxck!
New Member
- Aug 9, 2023
- 4
I have always wanted to try SN but it is not easy to access and if I were to order online it might take too much time and the pain of living is too painful for me. I seriously do not want to burden my family for my funeral cost so I'm planning on walking somewhere far from my place and finding a high place to jump ( I was considering drowning but that is too much pain). Initially I wanted to donate my organs to some hospital but with few hours left no one seems to take my post of donation seriously so sad to say I cannot help anyone who wish to survive in this cruel world.
I am currently living in my best friend's apartment for the past two months (I'm embarassed as I became an unwanted prescence warming the little corner in her sleeping bag , even using her laptop as my phone is no longer working) and left my apartment unattended so my plan is to wake up at dawn with my bag as I start my journey of walking somewhere far for the whole day until I find my ideal place to ctb. I always like the night as it gives me comfort knowing that my life as unpromising like the dark. I honestly don't want my body to be found. if only I can just drink poison and lay myself to sleep in the deepest part of the woods.
I have 7 hours more before I get up and walk myself to my doom and disconnect from the internet. I like staying in this forum as I feel like I will never be judged. A month ago I was even willing to make a deal with the devil just for financial gain to fix everything but let me tell you, he does not exist but just an entity they want us to believe. (Funny thing I even tried to check sugar dating out of desperation or is it just my BPD acting up xD)
Reasons for my desire to ctb:
Depression and anxiety
I see no point in continuing my life with a broken reputation
Financial problem due to debt caused by a betrayal of a so-called friend
I really don't have any ties or bond with my family
Living with BPD with no meds is not a joke
This forum had been a big help as it did not invalidate my thoughts and I felt a spiritual connection as I read posts sharing their pain. I was planning on just writing a short post but as I am typing I realize that with people not knowing who I am ,I can actually share honestly and I just want to at least at some point in your life remeber a sad life story like mine.
I'm 29F from the southeast asia , I was never physically abused but emotionally and mentally my mom would always be there to remind me how she prefered my two older brothers. She would not spare a dime to put me to high school so my measly $70 miscelanous fee since it was public was paid by my father's friend who also gave me $10 weekly allowance if there were spare left. I was living with my aunt since my mom is on her own space for rent place minding her life. During college , my mom told me to just sell vegetables and don't go to school, which hurt my pride so I desperately attained the scholarship to enter university. With much humilty, I may not be a genius like the eldest but I am sure I am above average, the expectations of my friends and schoolmates since I was above others were weighing on me. I was desperate to finish my bachelor's in order to help out the uncle ( my dad's best friend) who helped me and my siblings finish our studies but with just my internship left he fell to coma just a day after my birthday. Few days before my graduation he died without even having the opportunity to see me walk the stage. I went abroad to work but because I was a fresh graduate and asian I was laughing at my salary of $300 a month. Went home after a year and became an ESL teacher and just this year I had a good gig but I trusted someone with a crab mentality as she sabotaged our business since she was about to get back to the same business. Messed my reputation, my friends and embarassed the business leaving me with debts and no job.
I have always been suicidal since the university days , went bad when my uncle died and was just barely hanging on but recently I no longer have any motivation. Every night I keep on thinking how nice would it be to never wake up. I wanted a painless and quick but it will never be a case. I shared my story just to be remembered that once in this world there was a miserable soul with a sob story trying to brave through life but time and time again no matter how hard you try life would fuck you up. I have too much pain in my life that I don't have the desire to keep living when it is a cycle of pain.
I wish to be reincarnated in a life of leisure, I don't mind not having any parental love or care as long they leave me alone and provide for me then I'll be happy with my life going around tasting different cuisines. If reincarnation is true, I believe we all deserve a better life. I hope to even be reincarnated in a different planet with my memory intact.
That's for a wary soul's story ,I hope it would serve as a bedside story for you. I still have few hours, would you mind sharing yours too?
Humor this old lady.
I am currently living in my best friend's apartment for the past two months (I'm embarassed as I became an unwanted prescence warming the little corner in her sleeping bag , even using her laptop as my phone is no longer working) and left my apartment unattended so my plan is to wake up at dawn with my bag as I start my journey of walking somewhere far for the whole day until I find my ideal place to ctb. I always like the night as it gives me comfort knowing that my life as unpromising like the dark. I honestly don't want my body to be found. if only I can just drink poison and lay myself to sleep in the deepest part of the woods.
I have 7 hours more before I get up and walk myself to my doom and disconnect from the internet. I like staying in this forum as I feel like I will never be judged. A month ago I was even willing to make a deal with the devil just for financial gain to fix everything but let me tell you, he does not exist but just an entity they want us to believe. (Funny thing I even tried to check sugar dating out of desperation or is it just my BPD acting up xD)
Reasons for my desire to ctb:
Depression and anxiety
I see no point in continuing my life with a broken reputation
Financial problem due to debt caused by a betrayal of a so-called friend
I really don't have any ties or bond with my family
Living with BPD with no meds is not a joke
This forum had been a big help as it did not invalidate my thoughts and I felt a spiritual connection as I read posts sharing their pain. I was planning on just writing a short post but as I am typing I realize that with people not knowing who I am ,I can actually share honestly and I just want to at least at some point in your life remeber a sad life story like mine.
I'm 29F from the southeast asia , I was never physically abused but emotionally and mentally my mom would always be there to remind me how she prefered my two older brothers. She would not spare a dime to put me to high school so my measly $70 miscelanous fee since it was public was paid by my father's friend who also gave me $10 weekly allowance if there were spare left. I was living with my aunt since my mom is on her own space for rent place minding her life. During college , my mom told me to just sell vegetables and don't go to school, which hurt my pride so I desperately attained the scholarship to enter university. With much humilty, I may not be a genius like the eldest but I am sure I am above average, the expectations of my friends and schoolmates since I was above others were weighing on me. I was desperate to finish my bachelor's in order to help out the uncle ( my dad's best friend) who helped me and my siblings finish our studies but with just my internship left he fell to coma just a day after my birthday. Few days before my graduation he died without even having the opportunity to see me walk the stage. I went abroad to work but because I was a fresh graduate and asian I was laughing at my salary of $300 a month. Went home after a year and became an ESL teacher and just this year I had a good gig but I trusted someone with a crab mentality as she sabotaged our business since she was about to get back to the same business. Messed my reputation, my friends and embarassed the business leaving me with debts and no job.
I have always been suicidal since the university days , went bad when my uncle died and was just barely hanging on but recently I no longer have any motivation. Every night I keep on thinking how nice would it be to never wake up. I wanted a painless and quick but it will never be a case. I shared my story just to be remembered that once in this world there was a miserable soul with a sob story trying to brave through life but time and time again no matter how hard you try life would fuck you up. I have too much pain in my life that I don't have the desire to keep living when it is a cycle of pain.
I wish to be reincarnated in a life of leisure, I don't mind not having any parental love or care as long they leave me alone and provide for me then I'll be happy with my life going around tasting different cuisines. If reincarnation is true, I believe we all deserve a better life. I hope to even be reincarnated in a different planet with my memory intact.
That's for a wary soul's story ,I hope it would serve as a bedside story for you. I still have few hours, would you mind sharing yours too?
Humor this old lady.
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