Beat Up a Woman Beater

[lost guy]

I was at the bar I frequent a few times per week. A bartender that works there was there on her day off celebrating her birthday with her boyfriend and a few other friends.

It was a decent night, but as time went on her boyfriend became ignorant and was hitting on another girl, which happens to be one of her best friends. His actions were very obvious and blatant. Naturally, she became upset.

She was crying and upset. He was victimizing himself and not holding himself accountable for his actions. She asked to speak to him privately about the issue because he was being loud and obnoxious.

As they were walking outside, he threw her to the ground. I witnessed it. I tolerate a lot of things in life, but one thing I do not tolerate is a man putting his hands on a woman in that manner.

At that point he was asked to leave and naturally, he resisted. His attitude got
worse and was antagonizing other patrons and making the situation worse.

After seeing that and knowing he treating a woman like that, I decided to intervene. But at this point a switch in my brain was flipped. He wouldn’t leave and next thing I remember I was punching this guy repetitively in the face.

He ended up going to jail that night. The problem was over. But, for whatever reason, I feel bad for putting myself in that situation. I’m not typically a violent person. But just witnessing the way he treated a woman triggered me.

Obviously, I’m engaging on this forum because I desire to ctb. So I have major issues. It seems like I have been making stupid decisions lately. Like extra stupid.

I just wonder if I’m in this situation because I keep leading myself there? Sometimes I feel like that I could be making better decisions that would lead to a lesser desire of wanting to ctb.

I know this is more of a rant, but it has been messing with me. I do not tolerate a man hurting women. Maybe I should not go to bars anymore so I can avoid similar conflict?

 

[Donk]

There was no excuse for him to throw her on the ground. I would have been just as pissed off if I was in your shoe. Having said that I would have gave him a warning. if he initiates contact then that's when you open a can of whoop ass.

 

[lost guy]

There was no excuse for him to throw her on the ground. I would have been just as pissed off if I was in your shoe. Having said that I would have gave him a warning. if he initiates contact then that's when you open a can of whoop ass.

I think I just feel bad because I’m emotionally vulnerable. I’m more worried about the “switch flip” that happened in my head. I went into beast mode. I punched him a lot. To the point where my knuckles are bruised. I could have let up sooner.

 

[Donk]

bruh do you have anger issues?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I think I just feel bad because I’m emotionally vulnerable. I’m more worried about the “switch flip” that happened in my head. I went into beast mode. I punched him a lot. To the point where my knuckles are bruised. I could have let up sooner.

Were you drunk?

 

[lost guy]

Were you drunk?

I had been drinking, but was not full blown drunk. I was very aware of the situation and coherent.

 

[Lotus]

I'm against violence, unless it's to intervene in a situation like this or worse. But it comes to a point where it's time to stop, so yes, it might be a good idea to work on your issues with anger and impulse control. Don't feel too bad over your reaction, You're willing to improve, and that shows a lot. But yes, it's probably wise to avoid triggering situations at this point.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I had been drinking, but was not full blown drunk. I was very aware of the situation and coherent.

Did anything similar happen before? I don't judge you btw, I understand your reaction.

 

[StringPuppet]

I think I just feel bad because I’m emotionally vulnerable. I’m more worried about the “switch flip” that happened in my head. I went into beast mode. I punched him a lot. To the point where my knuckles are bruised. I could have let up sooner.

He deserved it imo

 

[lost guy]

bruh do you have anger issues?

I never thought of it like that. I do know I have issues. But I never act out in an angry or physical manner. I would be willing to bet that everyone that knows me personally would describe me as super chill.

I think what triggered me was watching my biological father beat my mom when I was a young kid.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I never thought of it like that. I do know I have issues. But I never act out in an angry or physical manner. I would be willing to bet that everyone that knows me personally would describe me as super chill.

I think what triggered me was watching my biological father beat my mom when I was a young kid.

That explains it then. I do not think you did anything wrong, honestly.

 

[Donk]

I never thought of it like that. I do know I have issues. But I never act out in an angry or physical manner. I would be willing to bet that everyone that knows me personally would describe me as super chill.

I think what triggered me was watching my biological father beat my mom when I was a young kid.

That explains a lot. The incident triggered memories of your dad hitting you mom. In the heat of the moment your rational mind goes out the window. It happens to the best of us. Just try to restrain yourself next time to avoid jail time again.

 

[Apathy79]

I doubt this will be a common occurrence. You seem to have enough self-awareness about this that you'll be ready next time and check yourself before it gets out of hand.

 

[lost guy]

That explains it then. I do not think you did anything wrong, honestly.

My friend was grateful and people praised me, but I still feel bad in a way. I guess I will get over it. But I learned that I cannot control myself sometimes. I do trust in my judgment and believe the guy deserves to be punished. But it could have got me in trouble and it could still create future problems. I suffer with extreme anxiety and this situation obviously didn’t help.

That explains a lot. The incident triggered memories of your dad hitting you mom. In the heat of the moment your rational mind goes out the window. It happens to the best of us. Just try to restrain yourself next time to avoid jail time again.

I’m sorry if I didn’t explain myself right, but I didn’t go to jail, the woman beater went to jail.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Maybe this is going to be my unpopular opinion of the day but thank you for intervening and not letting that guy get away with his wrong-doings.

Your conflict with the sense of guilt that might come from this is an reaction to a uncompromising situation.

You did something heroic people are known for doing: saving someone without thinking of their own safety first. When asked, folks often answer they went on auto-pilot without thinking of the consequences first.

Your sense of justice compelled you to intervene. Thank you for trying to help another in need.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Normally violence doesn't solve violence, but you have come on here and admitted what you did and question your own mindset on it,
Whilst I normally wouldn't agree with what you have done, at least now that asshat knows what it feels like to be beaten on,
It may not stop him, but at least he's had a taste of how it feels, Just prayer he doesn't take it out on his GF

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Maybe I should not go to bars anymore so I can avoid similar conflict?

So much of your post resonates with experiences of my own, and so much to say in moral support of you! Putting in a spoiler so it's not a wall that takes up your thread.

Spoiler

I personally think you have a good idea. Bars support bad behaviors and provide the fuel for them. People who enjoy that don't appreciate morality and decency making an appearance and demanding such alternate behaviors; you might get through to a few, so it's not totally hopeless, but some will just double down and direct all their toxicity at you, and it's hard to not become at least somewhat toxic in return. If it's to the point that you could end up in jail because of the provocation of a life troll, it's not worth it. There's a Stoic saying that if one has clean robes and hangs out with people with dirty robes, they're going to get a little dirt rubbed on them.

I hate the toxicity in bars; it may not be the whole atmosphere, but it's always there, like a fungus that grows in the dark and the moisture. There was one I hung out at because there was no place else to socialize (expat community), but I regularly stood up to guys who treated women disrespectfully, and I eventually got a couple guys on board who became willing to stand up to other guys. But I got some serious ongoing hate and sneering devaluing from others because they felt entitled to the "fun" I was blocking, and bars are a constant revolving door that lets in ever more jerks expecting that environment to provide a privileged space for such behaviors. It sickens me and gets me upset, and I'm not capable of remaining cool and unflappable in the face of such behavior, so it's best for me to not hang out in bars. If I'm there, though, I'll speak up, and even though it's hard to face all the backlash, I will stand up to it and not cave. And then I get the sneers, "Well don't you just think you're moral/high and mighty/a do-gooder" or "You're the one making the environment worse, everyone else was perfectly happy."

But I get what you're saying about crossing a line.

I had a brief relationship with a guy from that same bar who I knew going into it had substance abuse and control issues, and one day I lost it in the face of his provocation and hit his arm. It's not that what I did was wrong or unreasonable for the situation, but that violence does not solve violence, and I crossed a line of what I want my behavior to be like, so his influence needed to be out of my life. Humans are interactive, and their personalities are impacted by environments and other people.

George Bernard Shaw advised to not give in to the baiting and let someone drag you into a ditch and wrestle in the mud; he said don't fight with a pig, you'll just get dirty and besides, the pig likes it.

That guy you hit...violence doesn't affect him the way it does you. He likely doesn't reflect afterward about how he needs to get out of situations where he's likely to cross the line, he gave himself some kind of okay to cross that line long ago, and as you noticed, doesn't hold himself accountable for his actions, which is such an important point. He likely doesn't make the connection that your response was a deserved consequence, and he'd be likely to shift the blame elsewhere and act on that narrative. Maybe it was the moment that finally got through, I hope it was, but likely not. He's probably in victim mode over it, or he might at best have some kind of respect for you as a man, but not direct that to the woman, or wake the fuck up and get some help. He could kill her and end up in prison, and still wallow in bitter resentment, make it "that bitch's" fault or someone else's.

Your worry about what happened resonates with me, and even though it feels like crap to experience, to me it's also really commendable. I was beaten growing up, and I don't have the mentality of making it okay to cross that line, and then keep crossing it. The rare times I have crossed the line, I've felt like shit, even if it was in some way justifiable or excusable, even if it ended up with a good result, like if that guy were to wake the fuck up and change. Also, I've experienced that some people get off on provoking others to cross that line and watching them suffer moral anguish. They don't just like the mud, they have a taste for it, and even worse, the shittier it tastes to you to have experienced mud when coming from a place of good, the more it tastes like ambrosia to them. If they can convince you to keep doing it until your moral compass loses connection with the pole, they're in heaven. Child predators try to influence like this. I don't know if you have someone irl who would push you in that direction, but I have, and it was as much of a problem as the situation itself, so I had to do moral cleanup work on two fronts. Sometimes they don't so much get off on it as wanting you to be down in the crabpot with them and not rise above. I had one friend who, when I resisted bait, said, "Why do you have to be so perfect all the time?" Um, what??? I just didn't feel baited, didn't want to be in the mud, and chose a different response. Jesus.

Epictetus said, "Look not for any greater harm than this: destroying the trustworthy, self-respecting, well-behaved man within you.” It's a powerful motivator for pulling oneself back from giving in to the power you had, or calling wrong right, or being baited to make it okay to cross more lines. I think your self-questioning is a sign of strong moral character that keeps you from turning into an abuser like what you grew up with, someone who lost that themselves and didn't fight to get it back, didn't connect with the incredible backbone it takes to face one's own shit, and instead fought others to try to break their backbones.

I hope it didn't seem like I made you're stuff about me. It's often how I connect, seeing ones stuff in my own, and my own in theirs. I recognize we are different unique people, that you are autonomous and not me.

Sending empathy, compassion and respect.

 

[Caspers]

That was very brave, you stood up for someone in danger. You stopped that girl from being beaten really badly and got someone justice. Dude you’re brave

 

[lost guy]

So much of your post resonates with experiences of my own, and so much to say in moral support of you! Putting in a spoiler so it's not a wall that takes up your thread.

Spoiler

I personally think you have a good idea. Bars support bad behaviors and provide the fuel for them. People who enjoy that don't appreciate morality and decency making an appearance and demanding such alternate behaviors; you might get through to a few, so it's not totally hopeless, but some will just double down and direct all their toxicity at you, and it's hard to not become at least somewhat toxic in return. If it's to the point that you could end up in jail because of the provocation of a life troll, it's not worth it. There's a Stoic saying that if one has clean robes and hangs out with people with dirty robes, they're going to get a little dirt rubbed on them.

I hate the toxicity in bars; it may not be the whole atmosphere, but it's always there, like a fungus that grows in the dark and the moisture. There was one I hung out at because there was no place else to socialize (expat community), but I regularly stood up to guys who treated women disrespectfully, and I eventually got a couple guys on board who became willing to stand up to other guys. But I got some serious ongoing hate and sneering devaluing from others because they felt entitled to the "fun" I was blocking, and bars are a constant revolving door that lets in ever more jerks expecting that environment to provide a privileged space for such behaviors. It sickens me and gets me upset, and I'm not capable of remaining cool and unflappable in the face of such behavior, so it's best for me to not hang out in bars. If I'm there, though, I'll speak up, and even though it's hard to face all the backlash, I will stand up to it and not cave. And then I get the sneers, "Well don't you just think you're moral/high and mighty/a do-gooder" or "You're the one making the environment worse, everyone else was perfectly happy."

But I get what you're saying about crossing a line.

I had a brief relationship with a guy from that same bar who I knew going into it had substance abuse and control issues, and one day I lost it in the face of his provocation and hit his arm. It's not that what I did was wrong or unreasonable for the situation, but that violence does not solve violence, and I crossed a line of what I want my behavior to be like, so his influence needed to be out of my life. Humans are interactive, and their personalities are impacted by environments and other people.

George Bernard Shaw advised to not give in to the baiting and let someone drag you into a ditch and wrestle in the mud; he said don't fight with a pig, you'll just get dirty and besides, the pig likes it.

That guy you hit...violence doesn't affect him the way it does you. He likely doesn't reflect afterward about how he needs to get out of situations where he's likely to cross the line, he gave himself some kind of okay to cross that line long ago, and as you noticed, doesn't hold himself accountable for his actions, which is such an important point. He likely doesn't make the connection that your response was a deserved consequence, and he'd be likely to shift the blame elsewhere and act on that narrative. Maybe it was the moment that finally got through, I hope it was, but likely not. He's probably in victim mode over it, or he might at best have some kind of respect for you as a man, but not direct that to the woman, or wake the fuck up and get some help. He could kill her and end up in prison, and still wallow in bitter resentment, make it "that bitch's" fault or someone else's.

Your worry about what happened resonates with me, and even though it feels like crap to experience, to me it's also really commendable. I was beaten growing up, and I don't have the mentality of making it okay to cross that line, and then keep crossing it. The rare times I have crossed the line, I've felt like shit, even if it was in some way justifiable or excusable, even if it ended up with a good result, like if that guy were to wake the fuck up and change. Also, I've experienced that some people get off on provoking others to cross that line and watching them suffer moral anguish. They don't just like the mud, they have a taste for it, and even worse, the shittier it tastes to you to have experienced mud when coming from a place of good, the more it tastes like ambrosia to them. If they can convince you to keep doing it until your moral compass loses connection with the pole, they're in heaven. Child predators try to influence like this. I don't know if you have someone irl who would push you in that direction, but I have, and it was as much of a problem as the situation itself, so I had to do moral cleanup work on two fronts. Sometimes they don't so much get off on it as wanting you to be down in the crabpot with them and not rise above. I had one friend who, when I resisted bait, said, "Why do you have to be so perfect all the time?" Um, what??? I just didn't feel baited, didn't want to be in the mud, and chose a different response. Jesus.

Epictetus said, "Look not for any greater harm than this: destroying the trustworthy, self-respecting, well-behaved man within you.” It's a powerful motivator for pulling oneself back from giving in to the power you had, or calling wrong right, or being baited to make it okay to cross more lines. I think your self-questioning is a sign of strong moral character that keeps you from turning into an abuser like what you grew up with, someone who lost that themselves and didn't fight to get it back, didn't connect with the incredible backbone it takes to face one's own shit, and instead fought others to try to break their backbones.

I hope it didn't seem like I made you're stuff about me. It's often how I connect, seeing ones stuff in my own, and my own in theirs. I recognize we are different unique people, that you are autonomous and not me.

Sending empathy, compassion and respect.

No worries, your reply doesn’t come across as making it about you. I connect with other people the same way.

You reply really hit home. I do feel better about the situation now, thank you!

I also need to evaluate if regularly going to bars is worth it; is it worth it for social interactions?

Thanks again for your input.

 

[Sherri]

I was at the bar I frequent a few times per week. A bartender that works there was there on her day off celebrating her birthday with her boyfriend and a few other friends.

It was a decent night, but as time went on her boyfriend became ignorant and was hitting on another girl, which happens to be one of her best friends. His actions were very obvious and blatant. Naturally, she became upset.

She was crying and upset. He was victimizing himself and not holding himself accountable for his actions. She asked to speak to him privately about the issue because he was being loud and obnoxious.

As they were walking outside, he threw her to the ground. I witnessed it. I tolerate a lot of things in life, but one thing I do not tolerate is a man putting his hands on a woman in that manner.

At that point he was asked to leave and naturally, he resisted. His attitude got
worse and was antagonizing other patrons and making the situation worse.

After seeing that and knowing he treating a woman like that, I decided to intervene. But at this point a switch in my brain was flipped. He wouldn’t leave and next thing I remember I was punching this guy repetitively in the face.

He ended up going to jail that night. The problem was over. But, for whatever reason, I feel bad for putting myself in that situation. I’m not typically a violent person. But just witnessing the way he treated a woman triggered me.

Obviously, I’m engaging on this forum because I desire to ctb. So I have major issues. It seems like I have been making stupid decisions lately. Like extra stupid.

I just wonder if I’m in this situation because I keep leading myself there? Sometimes I feel like that I could be making better decisions that would lead to a lesser desire of wanting to ctb.

I know this is more of a rant, but it has been messing with me. I do not tolerate a man hurting women. Maybe I should not go to bars anymore so I can avoid similar conflict?

You were brave, despite what you might think and I’m sorry you had to go to jail, but I’m sure that woman was very grateful to you. You are totally right, a man should not beat up a woman. I don’t support violence but you were just defending her. So don’t be so hard on yourself, I wish I had someone like you to help me if I was in that situation.

 

[profoundexperience]

As they were walking outside, he threw her to the ground. I witnessed it.

It is ~always right/good to help or prevent someone from being assaulted (if it's possible to do so).

It seems like I have been making stupid decisions lately. Like extra stupid.

I’m more worried about the “switch flip” that happened in my head. I went into beast mode. I punched him a lot. To the point where my knuckles are bruised.

I think what triggered me was watching my biological father beat my mom when I was a young kid.

And, at some point, it seems like it became more about you & what's going-on inside you -- than just saving the woman bartender...?

If you had it all to "do over", what would you do differently?

You may have had a need to let that "beast mode"-energy out... to release it more often. I mean it was there, right? Can you find a better way to let it out...?

 

[degeneratewaste]

he deserved it. thank you for standing up for that woman.

I understand why you are concerned about the 'switch flipping', but it's understandable that it did, due to what you explained. if you're concerned about this stuff happening again, then maybe try releasing some of that pent up energy by maybe hitting soft stuff like pillows, or getting a punching bag or something? therefore your angry energy can be expressed in a healthier manner.

 

[AutoTap]

Eh I wouldn’t worry to much about it. Hope you followed through on the punch :)

 

[profoundexperience]

There's a Stoic saying that if one has clean robes and hangs out with people with dirty robes, they're going to get a little dirt rubbed on them.

George Bernard Shaw advised to not give in to the baiting and let someone drag you into a ditch and wrestle in the mud; he said don't fight with a pig, you'll just get dirty and besides, the pig likes it.

Epictetus said, "Look not for any greater harm than this: destroying the trustworthy, self-respecting, well-behaved man within you.”

I appreciate your elevated thoughts, @GoodPersonEffed!

 

[Deleted member 23374]

Just a thought from something i learned from an ex who wanted me to learn more about the struggle/plight of battered women, The knight in shining armor more often than not rides off into the sunset and leaves the damsel in distress behind.
Definitely hope you fucked that guy up but, sometimes there can be consequences for the victim.

 

[I’vehadenough]

I was at the bar I frequent a few times per week. A bartender that works there was there on her day off celebrating her birthday with her boyfriend and a few other friends.

It was a decent night, but as time went on her boyfriend became ignorant and was hitting on another girl, which happens to be one of her best friends. His actions were very obvious and blatant. Naturally, she became upset.

She was crying and upset. He was victimizing himself and not holding himself accountable for his actions. She asked to speak to him privately about the issue because he was being loud and obnoxious.

As they were walking outside, he threw her to the ground. I witnessed it. I tolerate a lot of things in life, but one thing I do not tolerate is a man putting his hands on a woman in that manner.

At that point he was asked to leave and naturally, he resisted. His attitude got
worse and was antagonizing other patrons and making the situation worse.

After seeing that and knowing he treating a woman like that, I decided to intervene. But at this point a switch in my brain was flipped. He wouldn’t leave and next thing I remember I was punching this guy repetitively in the face.

He ended up going to jail that night. The problem was over. But, for whatever reason, I feel bad for putting myself in that situation. I’m not typically a violent person. But just witnessing the way he treated a woman triggered me.

Obviously, I’m engaging on this forum because I desire to ctb. So I have major issues. It seems like I have been making stupid decisions lately. Like extra stupid.

I just wonder if I’m in this situation because I keep leading myself there? Sometimes I feel like that I could be making better decisions that would lead to a lesser desire of wanting to ctb.

I know this is more of a rant, but it has been messing with me. I do not tolerate a man hurting women. Maybe I should not go to bars anymore so I can avoid similar conflict?

I'm glad you posted this. The reason I'm committing suicide is because a guy beat me and broke my face. He ruined my good looks and I am undateable. My life is ruined. My emotional pain is do deep, I panic all day. I am alone and isolated bc of how I look. I had so much going for me too and he took it all away

 

[It'sMyLife]

I stay completely out of bars now. Most of the time nothing happens in them but when you think about , you're going to a place full of people you probably have no idea of what their character and/or problems are. On top of that they're all drinking . It's amazing to me fights don't happen more frequently than they do in these joints. I don't know how many men were in this fine establishment but if you're a man and you decide to start roughing up a woman , it's a near mathematical certainty that the guy doing it is going to get his ass handed to him. As I see it , you were the only one willing to step up. He got what he deserved . Alcohol always primes you for doing things you might not otherwise but it usually takes a trigger and he was yours in this case. Maybe you did beat him longer than necessary but that's the risk he took and from the sounds of who he is , he's not going to take any blame for what happened to him. You sound like a thoughtful person to me and I don't perceive your post as a rant at all , but rather just getting something you feel conflicted about off of your chest. Don't beat yourself up for this any longer . You're not some kind of sociopath or something. Personally , I would keep my eye out for any kind of retribution as well . If he knows your name or can find you somehow it could lead to more problems. Just stay aware of your surroundings is all I'm saying and don't go back to that bar.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

He ended up going to jail that night. The problem was over. But, for whatever reason, I feel bad for putting myself in that situation. I’m not typically a violent person. But just witnessing the way he treated a woman triggered me.

From what I understand you're uncomfortable with hurting people even if its morally justifiable. That tells me that you're a smart person and decent soul. A lesser man would've taken the opportunity to justifably hit someone as some sort of triumph.
Don't hang out at bars. You're just asking for trouble.

 

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

@lost guy
I envy you.‭ ‬You're brave and have some ba...‭ ‬guts.‭ ‬Jason Statham style.

 

[deadverysoon]

i would be very very careful with such reactions and positions.

violence is violence - and better not judge a situation from outside.

if you are psychological abused by a narcisst for example - then an "outacting" looks like the victim is the bad one.

imagine someone who is constantly pushing and provoking your triggers and is very aware of it - and than you drank something - got past trauma slandered around your head that day etc... dont think its a very good idea to do that. neither for a man or woman.

and also in the other direction: if a woman is hitting a man okay then? and is it okay to beat the shit out of this woman then?

or is just okay to hit men?

i dont think this was heroic and also not what the guy did.

intervention: very good

beating someone: crime

abusing psychological: crime

abuse general: crime

offering help to fix issues: very good