BDD: The F**ked-Up Funhouse

[Giraffey]

The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to believe that I have some form of body dysmorphia stemming from abuse at the hands of an ex-partner.

It relates to one specific element of my body, nobody else I've spoken to about it can see anything 'wrong' although I would argue that's a weak test.

On some days it dominates my thoughts, worry and fear and disgust abound; I search for corrective treatments and remain unconvinced by any objective evidence that such treatments are unnecessary.

I don't know whether I meet the criteria for a 'disorder' or whether this thought pattern is better described as a facet of a complex spectrum of trauma, it's not an area I've ever really dealt with before.

Looking at this part of my body is akin to living in a funhouse. The people around me who see me directly give me their word that nothing is wrong, abnormal or disgusting, and yet since 'seeing is believing' I stare into the curvy mirrors and mentally vomit at the grotesque caricature staring back at me like some hideous disfigured appendage grafted onto a sinner by a rancorous god as a mark of monstrosity. I digress.

Does anyone suffer with BDD or related issues who might be able to enlighten me a little?

 

[kqlysrsly]

Are you talking about your genitals?

 

[Giraffey]

Are you talking about your genitals?

Not specifically, it's not the normal male matter of being insecure about size.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's ok if you don't want to be specific that's not really relevant to the problem. If others are telling you you're anatomically normal than it likely is. Outside of surgical intervention or therapy there isn't a lot you can do. What if you look up said body part online and see what others look like?

 

[kqlysrsly]

It's ok if you don't want to be specific that's not really relevant to the problem. If others are telling you you're anatomically normal than it likely is. Outside of surgical intervention or therapy there isn't a lot you can do. What if you look up said body part online and see what others look like?

Actuslly it is relevant to the discussion

Ah, I was correct. It's an euphemism for vagina.

OP, it's hard to have a bad looking vagina. They're all great. Only problem is if the lips are monstrous in size. That's it.

 

[Ghost2211]

Actuslly it is relevant to the discussion

It's really not. He didn't say he has gender issues. He said it was the appearance of a body part. The process of resolving that issue is the same if it's a leg or penis.

 

[Giraffey]

It's ok if you don't want to be specific that's not really relevant to the problem. If others are telling you you're anatomically normal than it likely is. Outside of surgical intervention or therapy there isn't a lot you can do. What if you look up said body part online and see what others look like?

Well, genitalia is part of it but it's a wider issue with having a negative perspective on my body in general. Take the former for example, objectively I'm anatomically normal and dimensionally above average by quite a margin; logically, I recognise this and one could be forgiven for asking "so what's the problem?" - there's no objective reason to be 'dysphoric'.

But a lot of the abuse at the hands of my ex was sexual and dehumanising, I was conditioned to believe that I was inferior in every aspect, that conditioning became so deeply ingrained that I find it overrides any objectivity or positive remarks from others.

The same applies to other areas, my stomach for example. I obsess over the minutiae, it's size and shape, texture and firmness. Again, objectively it's not particularly large, although neither am I flat and toned as I once was.

But the conditioning kicks in and it doesn't seem to matter what other people assure me, even when they have no ulterior motive, I find a way to discredit their opinion owing to the conditioning and inability to let go of this negative image of myself.

Again, same for other specific aspects of my body. These aren't issues that require or would benefit from any kind of surgical intervention, although knowing this logically doesn't alter the unhealthy thought patterns.

I know a fair amount about therapy, CBT is the go-to treatment but it's never particularly worked for me with other issues, I guess therapists make the worst clients...

I'm just wondering whether this is an issue on its own or whether it's simply another facet of the trauma. I suppose it could technically be both.

 

[Giraffey]

Actuslly it is relevant to the discussion

Ah, I was correct. It's an euphemism for vagina.

OP, it's hard to have a bad looking vagina. They're all great. Only problem is if the lips are monstrous in size. That's it.

No, it wasn't a euphemism and I don't have gender issues, I'm comfortable with my masculinity. A lot of men have issues with their size or may be slightly smaller than average - again, it's not that.

I was just wary of being too specific because it's a sensitive issue and I didn't want it inadvertently to take on the sexual undertones some of these kind of threads seem to.

-

@Meditation guide - Yes, I probably should have been more specific in my original post, I realised that. See my reply to RosieBird above.

It's not an issue of there actually being something wrong and I'm not using this thread to ask for objective opinions, I'm basically asking whether it may be representative of a dysphoria if objectively speaking you are normal - but you still finds it impossible to believe anything positive about those aspects of yourself.

 

[Ghost2211]

No, it wasn't a euphemism and I don't have gender issues, I'm comfortable with my masculinity. A lot of men have issues with their size or may be slightly smaller than average - again, it's not that.

I was just wary of being too specific because it's a sensitive issue and I didn't want it inadvertently to take on the sexual undertones some of these kind of threads seem to.

Thanks to porn there are a lot of genitals online if you want to get an idea of what other people look like. In the end though it really only matters how you feel about it, and it sounds like the issue goes beyond this specific body part and into the realm of overall loving yourself.

 

[Ghost2211]

I've heard a lot of men obsessing about their member in various ways. I've never understood that. Not that you are obsessing but just spending time worrying about it in some way.

Women do this too about the labia majora and minora. We change after sex and after having babies, and some women just have larger labia than others. Surgically reducing the labia is a fairly common phenomenon.

 

[Silver]

I see you're in the UK, @SlowMo. At one point I think Channel 4 did an 'Embarrassing Bodies' type programme about genitals. I didn't watch it and can't remember its title but if you look on All4 you might find it. I'd avoid looking up porn because there are going to be examples on there that would make anyone feel inferior. As for your stomach, maybe sit-ups or the plank would improve your abdominal muscles and help you feel more positive?

 

[Giraffey]

Indeed, indeed. I don't want to get into a discussion of specifics as this wasn't intended to be one of those creepy ego-boosting threads.

So assume that the parts of my body that I'm insecure about would be considered perfectly normal to any third party. The issue being that I can only see these aspects of my physical self through a distorted lens that makes them 'appear' abnormal to me, or inferior or whatever in some way.

A surgeon would look downstairs and tell me I should feel blessed. A personal trainer would look at my stomach and tell me I could probably stand to lose a few pounds but what the hell gave me the idea I was "morbidly obese"... Yet although I recognise that other people hold these opinions, I cannot seem to make the leap to believing them and embracing those positive opinions because I've been conditioned not to, by the previous trauma.

Hopefully that makes a bit more sense.

 

[Ghost2211]

Indeed, indeed. I don't want to get into a discussion of specifics as this wasn't intended to be one of those creepy ego-boosting threads.

So assume that the parts of my body that I'm insecure about would be considered perfectly normal to any third party. The issue being that I can only see these aspects of my physical self through a distorted lens that makes them 'appear' abnormal to me, or inferior or whatever in some way.

A surgeon would look downstairs and tell me I should feel blessed. A personal trainer would look at my stomach and tell me I could probably stand to lose a few pounds but what the hell gave me the idea I was "morbidly obese"... Yet although I recognise that other people hold these opinions, I cannot seem to make the leap to believing them and embracing those positive opinions because I've been conditioned not to, by the previous trauma.

Hopefully that makes a bit more sense.

Have you talked to a therapist about this? If not it's something to consider.

 

[StateOfMind]

I see you're in the UK, @SlowMo. At one point I think Channel 4 did an 'Embarrassing Bodies' type programme about genitals. I didn't watch it and can't remember its title but if you look on All4 you might find it. I'd avoid looking up porn because there are going to be examples on there that would make anyone feel inferior. As for your stomach, maybe sit-ups or the plank would improve your abdominal muscles and help you feel more positive?

Only problem is if the lips are monstrous in size. That's it.

Even then I believe there is a fetish for this..

 

[Giraffey]

Have you talked to a therapist about this? If not it's something to consider.

Not unless you include myself in that equation. Hence this thread, I've only really recently began to recognise this as a separate issue.

I'm actually not an insecure person at all, I'm very confident, and yet I feel this aversion to certain aspects of my body. I suspect I'm over-analysing the issue by trying to determine if it's a separate 'disorder' that can be treated as such, or whether it's a facet of the trauma complex that should be tackled as part of those underlying issues.

It seems to be difficult to step back and make these objective judgements when you're applying them to your own thoughts, or so I've found.

 

[Ghost2211]

Not unless you include myself in that equation. Hence this thread, I've only really recently began to recognise this as a separate issue.

I'm actually not an insecure person at all, I'm very confident, and yet I feel this aversion to certain aspects of my body. I suspect I'm over-analysing the issue by trying to determine if it's a separate 'disorder' that can be treated as such, or whether it's a facet of the trauma complex that should be tackled as part of those underlying issues.

It seems to be difficult to step back and make these objective judgements when you're applying them to your own thoughts, or so I've found.

Generally when people fixate on one body part it's a different situation than when they focus on a couple or several. You seem open, confident, and self reflective, so unless people have made you feel bad about these body parts it's likely more of an overall self acceptance/love issue.

From my interactions with you you seem like a thoughtful wonderful person. No part of us is perfect, but uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Nothing I can say will change how you see your body, but you might gradually find beauty in the parts you don't like if you keep focusing on the good aspects.

 

[Giraffey]

Generally when people fixate on one body part it's a different situation than when they focus on a couple or several. You seem open, confident, and self reflective, so unless people have made you feel bad about these body parts it's likely more of an overall self acceptance/love issue.

From my interactions with you you seem like a thoughtful wonderful person. No part of us is perfect, but uniqueness is what makes us beautiful. Nothing I can say will change how you see your body, but you might gradually find beauty in the parts you don't like if you keep focusing on the good aspects.

Thank you RosieBird, those warm and touching sentiments are the kind I admire you for; it matters not who sits behind the thread, you treat everybody with the same kindness, sincerity and respect.

These issues stem from an abusive relationship in which I was regularly insulted and humiliated; where sex was degrading; just another tool to break my spirit. Then there was the revenge porn, having strangers look at your most candid and unflattering images and deliberately humiliate you - I'm sure that would cut at even the strongest of wills.

I used to be so body positive, but despite the efforts of subsequent to reassure me it's as though whenever I begin to grasp toward the cusp of positivity, it edges just a little bit further away.

Paradoxically, I'm confident in myself and I'm not necessarily insecure per se, but I live and breathe self-deprecation and find it difficult to bridge the gap between the positive things people say about certain aspects of my body and my own distorted perspective.

But thank you again for your patience and persistence in working to understand what I was trying to say; I appreciate it

 

[Ghost2211]

Thank you RosieBird, those warm and touching sentiments are the kind I admire you for; it matters not who sits behind the thread, you treat everybody with the same kindness, sincerity and respect.

These issues stem from an abusive relationship in which I was regularly insulted and humiliated; where sex was degrading; just another tool to break my spirit. Then there was the revenge porn, having strangers look at your most candid and unflattering images and deliberately humiliate you - I'm sure that would cut at even the strongest of wills.

I used to be so body positive, but despite the efforts of subsequent to reassure me it's as though whenever I begin to grasp toward the cusp of positivity, it edges just a little bit further away.

Paradoxically, I'm confident in myself and I'm not necessarily insecure per se, but I live and breathe self-deprecation and find it difficult to bridge the gap between the positive things people say about certain aspects of my body and my own distorted perspective.

But thank you again for your patience and persistence in working to understand what I was trying to say; I appreciate it

Oh my, that's awful. I'm so sorry you had to endure such treatment. It's disgusting anyone could treat someone that way. You should consider finding a caring therapist to help work through that trauma since you have the foundation for positive body image.

Thank you for your kindness, and having the trust to talk. I know how hard society makes these topics.

 

[Giraffey]

Oh my, that's awful. I'm so sorry you had to endure such treatment. It's disgusting anyone could treat someone that way. You should consider finding a caring therapist to help work through that trauma since you have the foundation for positive body image.

Thank you for your kindness, and having the trust to talk. I know how hard society makes these topics.

That was the tip of the ice-berg, the beatings, the sexual assault (because women can't legally "rape" men), the attempt to kill me, the mind games, the humiliation of being forced to clear up her excrement from our bed after she'd cheated on me and defecated herself in the process. I've gone into more detail in other threads, but you get the idea for the sort of damage it might have done.

I didn't speak about any of it for years and I haven't ever really spoken about the body issues so I guess I was just casting the line out there and figuring out how to articulate my thoughts on the spot.

Thanks again for the support, I genuinely do appreciate it