Help Battling my brain

[iDieUDie80]

Lately I've had a new plan in my mind to take my life sometime in mid-May, after the spring semester ends. I'm sick of the pathetic life I have led thus far, sick of rejection, my appearance, never-ending schooling, overall I'm just sick of trying to obtain things that I'm never going to get. I don't want to try anymore.

I recently had my dosage of lithium increased, which is a mood stabilizer, so this may be impacting my feelings, but I also know in general that when I get pretty close to actually ending my life, which, I might add, my thoughts literally lead me to, my anxiety kicks in and my brain will instead try to suggest that I am making a mistake, and there's still a chance. It's a reasonable anxiety, ending your life is of course a very final and permanent decision, and you want to make sure your decision is justified, but I have already decided numerous times before that I cannot tolerate the future, it will be more of the same, and nothing to come is anything worth seeing.

So, admittedly, I am not in constant pain, I'm not always depressed, and I'm sure that in part is the result of my medication. But I do have rope in my possession, it's in the trunk of my car now and I can drive to my destination spot and hang myself there when I feel the time is right, but I'm not sure how to ever decide when that time is when my brain is making me second-guess myself as to whether I'm making the right decision.

Hopefully this wasn't too long and I am able to gather some thoughts on this from you all...

 

[iDieUDie80]

Co-worker told me I was ugly yesterday and I cut myself 8 times!

 

[catch99]

Hey, I'm really sorry that you're going through this.

Other people can assholes sometimes. The thing I've learned through experience though is that people who are assholes are usually just projecting their inner feelings about themselves onto you. The people who hate themselves the most seem to be the most critical of others. I mean how can you love others when you can't love yourself? I wouldn't pay attention to what anyone else says to you, they're likely going through their own hell.

I have heard of lithium as a mood stabilizer for bpd but I'm really unsure of the side-effects. In my mind it's always better to be on no medication/drugs. Contrary to what your doctor says we really don't 'need' any medication; maybe your feelings are partially due to the high dosage of medication that you're on.

 

[WornOutLife]

Co-worker told me I was ugly yesterday and I cut myself 8 times!

I'm so sorry such assholes are around you.

I know words hurt but you should ignore those people. They are the ones who are ugly and suck!

Anyway, I hope you can feel better somehow.

Feel free to talk to me.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[iDieUDie80]

I'm so sorry such assholes are around you.

I know words hurt but you should ignore those people. They are the ones who are ugly and suck!

Anyway, I hope you can feel better somehow.

Feel free to talk to me.

Hugs,

Matt

Thanks. He is particularly ugly actually, but that doesn't stop his words about me from being accurate. It is a common criticism I have for myself. I genuinely believe I'm not good enough for anyone because everyone I like never likes me back. It's exhausting and I just want to stop fooling myself thinking I have any place in this world.