Discussion Bad RPG Save

[northoverhill]

I've had this analogy in my head for a while now - and it's probably a general symptom of my dysfunctional zoomer brain that I find it easier to analyze things by comparing them to video games - that my life is like an RPG in which I've just really messed up my stats. I've poorly optimised my build. As I am now, I'm more of a listener than a speaker. People don't know much about me because I'm just not good at speaking. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about myself and trust that people care.

In conversation I don't make jokes with the confidence required for them to land, I often reply with the answer I think will just end the conversation fastest though when it's over I deeply regret having missed an opportunity to connect with someone. It's like Dark Souls 1 where you can't respec, but also like Skyrim where you gain experience based on what you do rather than having a choice, and I've throughout my life been piling points into being an introvert. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy - the more I act in a way that someone socially incompetent would act, the more I become that.

I live my life alone in this bedroom switching between watching YouTube, playing video games, fiddling with a couple of thousands of unfinished music projects, not speaking to anyone. I can't help but feel like I'm in the dark timeline. I know I know I know it could always be so much worse, but I don't have to be living in a box in the woods to feel miserable. My life is just... nothing.

I've missed time sensitive opportunities, failed auditions, been rejected from jobs I would love, lost contact with people I really truly loved.

I usually write these in the afterglow of an episode, so I'm a bit more rational and optimistic now than I am when my depression really gets a hold of me so I know that change is possible. People can change, circumstances can change, there are ways to improve my life that are within my control (however small those things are).

But, idk just, fuck man. I hate facing these things and forcing myself to admit them but there is truth to them. I'm just really not at all happy with who I am. For lack of a better word, I'm just kind of a loser living an empty and unfulfilling life. I'm wasting and have already wasted what are supposed to be some of my best years and that very pressure is paralyzing.

 

[GasMonkey]

 

[xiaoxiao300]

Hey man. I also have that dysfunctional zoomer brain that makes life into an RPG. I remember a few years back how while shaking off a concussion after a fall, my brain kept on trying to "load my save," whatever that meant. I just repeated "load. load. load." over and over in my head and had an image of pressing "esc" and loading my file until eventually I came to and realized I wasn't in a game, and I was really hurt.

Years later, I lie in the same box of self-made loneliness and idleness, created from my own self-hatred and fear of failure, the one you described and I think about going for another attempt.

But I hop on this site, find this post, and find myself thinking about words to cheer you up, and somehow that effort cheers me up, and hopefully me recounting what happened will cheer you up in a meta sort of way.

My future is uncertain so I need to work on it, and I want to have the courage to work on it. I think a lot of the members of this site are more courageous than I am, so they inspire me to keep going. I hope you become courageous too, so that even when you need to do something you hate, and your character isn't optimally specced for it, you'll be able to do it anyway.

 

[northoverhill]

Hey man. I also have that dysfunctional zoomer brain that makes life into an RPG. I remember a few years back how while shaking off a concussion after a fall, my brain kept on trying to "load my save," whatever that meant. I just repeated "load. load. load." over and over in my head and had an image of pressing "esc" and loading my file until eventually I came to and realized I wasn't in a game, and I was really hurt.

Years later, I lie in the same box of self-made loneliness and idleness, created from my own self-hatred and fear of failure, the one you described and I think about going for another attempt.

But I hop on this site, find this post, and find myself thinking about words to cheer you up, and somehow that effort cheers me up, and hopefully me recounting what happened will cheer you up in a meta sort of way.

My future is uncertain so I need to work on it, and I want to have the courage to work on it. I think a lot of the members of this site are more courageous than I am, so they inspire me to keep going. I hope you become courageous too, so that even when you need to do something you hate, and your character isn't optimally specced for it, you'll be able to do it anyway.

Okay I'm glad I'm not the only one then lmao, seems like it might be quite common among our generation

But thank you for your response. It was really nicely written and just made me smile, I appreciate the time you took to respond to me. I often feel isolated and alone but the lovely people on this site like yourself help remind me I'm not. You seem like an intelligent and caring person, I hope you work on yourself and realise the potential you're capable of. There's still a lot of game left to see and plenty of skill points to acquire :) (cringe? maybe). Sending you my love and best wishes <3