Venting bad brain

[thegreatminderaser]

i hate that when i know a coworker hates somebody but they remain civil and polite to to them - just like they are with me. do they hate me? i think everyone hates me. i always assume somebody dislikes me, or merely tolerates me. any kindness i encounter is an act of pity. i have one person in the whole world that i believe loves me, and it's not my partner. and even some days, i feel like they don't care, or that they'd be better without me.

whats worse, and makes me feel such immense guilt, is that the kindness one of my coworkers shows me has made some romantic feelings manifest. it's not solely the kindness, he's a sweet and handsome guy, talked me through my meltdown on monday, has similar interests, great taste in music- it's just made worse by the fact that he's just genuinely kind. i'm not special in that way. he's just nice. most people are like that. nice for no reason. it's a good thing but i just don't know what they think of me. i can't take anyone's word for it.

i feel so incredibly small and insignificant. whenever i imagine how things will be when i'm gone, everything is as it was, like i was never here at all.

sorry that this is rambling and all over the place, i'm tired from work and i can't focus with how loud my roommate's tv is. i just needed to get this out.

 

[R. A.]

Your photo made me weepy as a sappy person. I want to clean off the tomatoes.

You post/view is funny - you feel like other people are nice for no reason...but they're also fake and pretend to like people they don't. In reality most people are trying to get by and most of us are in relationship of whatever kind with people without a choice. If my coworker is kind of an ass to me; sure, I could be more of an ass back and make things probably worse for everyone in the environment...but it's just easier to be civil and deal. If it's too much I would probably talk to them and/or management.
But most people are also actually immature as fuck and don't know how to give or receive criticism in a constructive way. The older I get, the more I realise no one else is getting older but in fact is still mentally 13 years old. I see it in my personal life and in the world at large. Just look at most politicians for shit's sake.

Anyway, I hope the TV is quieter and you got some rest. Don't take other people too personally