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[Lonerzepam]

I went jogging today for the first time in idk how many months. I feel slightly better overall. My perception disorder got slightly better too.
So I wanna keep this up for about 2 weeks everyday to see some actual results.

The thing is I have absuletly no motivation in doing so. So I just thought well I could just order some pure H in the meanwhile to keep me going and to have something to look forward too. Also my life completely fell apart in the last few months and everyday was just unimaginable torture. So it would be nice to do some H again just to be in that warm soft bubble having no problems at all...
So staying sober is just no option for me I need this to keep me going and motivated to try to improve. I don't want to ctb even though my life is torture. But I'm really trying so hard and I wanna keep trying for at least some weeks and if the motivation behind it is H then so be it. I mean the ultimate motivation in doing this is to get better but as I said I just need something I can look forward too in my situation. Yeah just needed to get this off my chest guys.

 

[Endsticle]

Damn aren't you the ketamine guy? I think I saw your post about getting two gs. Have you ever entered the K hole? I haven't done it in forever but it would shift my perspective hard sometimes, in a good way.

I know what you mean about wanting to get fucked up for a while. I don't like most opiates bc they make me sick and aren't europhic to me, but I had codeine hit me just right once and I still think about it.

I hope you find the peace you're looking for dude. I'm trying to scrape by for a few weeks too to see if things get better.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Damn aren't you the ketamine guy? I think I saw your post about getting two gs. Have you ever entered the K hole? I haven't done it in forever but it would shift my perspective hard sometimes, in a good way.

I know what you mean about wanting to get fucked up for a while. I don't like most opiates bc they make me sick and aren't europhic to me, but I had codeine hit me just right once and I still think about it.

I hope you find the peace you're looking for dude. I'm trying to scrape by for a few weeks too to see if things get better.

Yeah bro thats me haha. Yeah I did enter the k hole. I was very addicted to ket. On my worst I was doing like 3g a day.

Not everyone likes opiates I guess. Depends if ur more of a upper or downer person. But I think you can't not like molly or ket haha.

Also I was so high my parents noticed now they have my cat. But it's probably better bc my bladder is already really fucked so yeah don't want to endure even more pain u know...

Yea I wish u best too ;)

 

[leeloosnow]

hope you're doin ok @Lonerzepam i been down the opiate road too, it's rough. imo sobriety is a personal preference, i wouldn't say that everyone who occasionally gets high or drunk or whatever their flavor of indulgence is automatically doomed to dante's seventh level of additive consequences but, i don't think ive met may casual H users either. ironically enough one of my current main motives to be sober is that i don't want substance use to influence my ctb decision. i also like who i am when i'm sober much better than who i am when i'm in the cycle of active addiction. also being accountable to ppl i care about is nice. here's a few key points i've picked up thru the years on and off the wagon.
1. urges last on average 2-20mins. if i can distract myself that long, the urge often subsides
2. no matter how shitty my life is, getting high will almost always make my situation worse
3. i will make better choices when sober vs when using
i wish you all the best in your endeavors :)

 

[Lonerzepam]

hope you're doin ok @Lonerzepam i been down the opiate road too, it's rough. imo sobriety is a personal preference, i wouldn't say that everyone who occasionally gets high or drunk or whatever their flavor of indulgence is automatically doomed to dante's seventh level of additive consequences but, i don't think ive met may casual H users either. ironically enough one of my current main motives to be sober is that i don't want substance use to influence my ctb decision. i also like who i am when i'm sober much better than who i am when i'm in the cycle of active addiction. also being accountable to ppl i care about is nice. here's a few key points i've picked up thru the years on and off the wagon.
1. urges last on average 2-20mins. if i can distract myself that long, the urge often subsides
2. no matter how shitty my life is, getting high will almost always make my situation worse
3. i will make better choices when sober vs when using
i wish you all the best in your endeavors :)

Thanks bro.
I value and respect your opinion. I know it's not a longterm solution. But my life has just become unbearable. I put alot of work and effort in my recovery. This should probably not include H. But I just need to be gone from this world & existence just for a few days atleast u know.

Everything is just too much rn. That's when I probably shouldn't use at all but as I said I just need to push the pause button once again. Also it's already on it's way 99% pure stuff so I'll definetly snort that shit up. I just snort not IV.
I'm aiming to not do all at once. Organize it abit and safe some for later. Although this is easier said then done especially with opiods. But like I said it's already on the way I didn't even spend money on it I mean I did but that was 6 Months ago and it never arrived so it's just a reship I'm not planning on getting anything more I don't have enough money for it anyways. But I'll definetly take that reship. But yeah thanks dude for ur words hope u doing good

 

[jodes2]

I want drugs to make me happy. So. Badly. Sobriety is not for everyone

 

[Lonerzepam]

I want drugs to make me happy. So. Badly. Sobriety is not for everyone

I go jogging now twice everyday and have a very structured dayplan.
Still I wanna splatter my brainmass on the floor everyday. But I just can't do it.
I know good Dope is about to arrive and I just can't miss out on that although the pain is unbearable. That shit's the only thing that keeps me going. Also I'm at the lowest point of life. So I know the H will be even better. Can't miss out on that.

 

[makethepainstop]

I go jogging now twice everyday and have a very structured dayplan.
Still I wanna splatter my brainmass on the floor everyday. But I just can't do it.
I know good Dope is about to arrive and I just can't miss out on that although the pain is unbearable. That shit's the only thing that keeps me going. Also I'm at the lowest point of life. So I know the H will be even better. Can't miss out on that.

Can't fault you. If I didn't have access to THC gummies, I'd have been gone long ago.
Only do them when not working, but hey they help. As far as street drugs go, what's the difference if you go see a psychiatrist, they prescribe drugs too. So, the way I see it one way or the other you're going to do drugs to make you feel better, and both varieties of drugs do have their drawbacks.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I want drugs to make me happy. So. Badly. Sobriety is not for everyone

I go jogging now twice everyday and have a very structured dayplan.
Still I wanna splatter my brainmass on the floor everyday. But I just can't do it.
I know good Dope is about to arriveand I just can't miss out on that although the pain is unbearable. That shit's the only thing that keeps me going. Also I'm at the lowest point of life. So I know the H will be even better. Can't miss out on that.

Can't fault you. If I didn't have access to THC gummies, I'd have been gone long ago.
Only do them when not working, but hey they help. As far as street drugs go, what's the difference if you go see a psychiatrist, they prescribe drugs too. So, the way I see it one way or the other you're going to do drugs to make you feel better, and both varieties of drugs do have their drawbacks.

True. But if it wasn't for psychiatrists prescribing me pills I would live a dream life for real. Now it's nightmare everytime I wake up. I would just smoke weed if I could but I can't anymore cuz they fucked my head up with their SSRIs. So they turned me into a junkie. I think many of us wouldn't be even on this site if it wasn't for them.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I have to sneak out in 3 hours to go annd fucking clear the fake mailbox from shitty advertisements wasting the space for my H goddamn. It's 1am by then. Btw I hate this fucking timetable.
am/pm I always have to look the right one up on a time table why can't u just count till 24:00 for real.
I can't do it during the day too many people watching. This shit fucks up my whole sleep schedule. I do everything possible to recover.

But nonetheless I think I'll have to ctb eventually too many health issues and general issues.

I said I put anything one can do in my recovery no fucking doubt so much effort goes in it I may make another post explaining it in detail.

Anyways if I can put that much effort into recovery I'll be able to clear out a mailbox in the cold night 1km or so away.

It still pisses me off. Ctb or not I'll chase that dragon ffs.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I just went to the mailbox. I just wanted to clean it out from advertisements so it doesn't look sus. Turns out my H was lying under those ads already. I'm so happy rn in my zone.

 

[Lonerzepam]

I'll never touch any drug anymore in my whole lifetime regardless of how long it still will be.

I had a very good routine plan which I followed everyday. I got 0.00001% better everyday so everyday still felt like hell. So I just wanted to be gone "for the last time" with Heroin. You wanna know what I got from it?

My mom had to drive me to the ER at 4am because I couldn't pee. For like 12 hours or so. For those who don't know opiates like Heroin have this effect that it's difficulter then usually to urinate. And I did way too much H at that night. Also my bladder is already really fucked because of ketamine abuse.

When I arrived at the ER it felt like it was gonna splash at any given time. They put a catheter from my pp till the bladder (which is a very uncomfortable process) so the urin came out from a tube. It was so reliefing.

So we got home and I thought damn this was stressfull why not do another line again just for the stress. Dumb Idea. We had to drive there again talk to all the doctors again which even warned me to not consume anything anymore remove the catheter (which is even more painfull then putting it in) and put another one in afterwards. I felt so fucking ashemed. I gave my mom my left over Heroin and she threw it away. Now I have withdrawals and a fucking pissbag. The doctor said I have to carry it atleast for 7 days before another doctor checks on it and put it out. I pray I don't have it permanently for my lifetime.

But I really learned my lesson. I won't do any drug ever again (maybe ketamine if I ctb by train or jump so im fully anesthetized and won't feel so much). But that's the only exception. I know relapses are part of recovery. But why does it always have to come that far till an addict realizes that. I feel so shit rn and regarding my family. I fucking hate myself...it's 1 step forward and 10 steps back like always...