Back here again. Never ending cycle of hell

[CemetryGates]

Hello friends
Been a bit inactive because i've tried to give life another go. I really really try my hardest.
Gave up porn, started going out more, working out. Trying to meditate and love myself I just can't.
I hate how I feel about myself. I probably have Body Dysmorphia now that I think about. I notice every little thing about myself to hate like freckles, my skin tone, my smile, my eyes etc.
I can't feel confident in myself.
It is hell. It feels like i'm doing a life sentence just waiting around to die.
Where do I go from here I don't know. I'm really thinking about SN again. But I know I won't go through with it as I live with my parents. I got turned away from a clinic eventhough I told them i'm suicidal. They told me to just get a job lol (if only it was that easy)
Been added to a waiting list for counselling which may take 6-12 months. Bold of them to assume i'll make it to Christmas. What a bleak winter in store ay?
Love all of you on here eventhough i'm not active that much. Bless all of you.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Very sorry for your situation. I am familiar with feeling bad in my body and having no self esteem.
You said in psychiatric clinic that you are suicidal and they told you to get a job?
Like wtf. Monsters.

 

[CemetryGates]

Very sorry for your situation. I am familiar with feeling bad in my body and having no self esteem.
You said in psychiatric clinic that you are suicidal and they told you to get a job?
Like wtf. Monsters.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it. I don't want to look like a model or a 10/10 I just want to be confident in myself.
Yes, i'm from the UK and sadly here they have consciously run mental health services via the NHS into the ground, it's well and truly awful.
The woman "assessing" me was more like an interrogator than a psychiatrist. What's funny is that I didn't even ask for that appointment my doctor thought I needed clinical help. I've been rejected by girls before but nothing like this. It was the way she said it to. Just made me feel so low.

 

[FuneralCry]

It seems as though in this life it is impossible to escape from pain. I also feel like I am waiting around to die. I just wish that it is easier to actually leave this world. I can imagine that it must be really tiring what you are going through. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[RetroChaos]

I relate hard. Thankfully I've never been sanctioned, I honestly don't know how it comes to that. I gave up porn too after being addicted throughout my teens, also started going to the gym to try and look and feel better but I still feel like shit.

I think I'm suicidal more because of my breakup though rather than just depression in general.

I'm very fortunate that I was able to see a therapist privately. While they did help a lot in my self-esteem, I still struggle with these thoughts. I left for a while but now I'm also back.

But anyway, enough about me, I just thought you might find some solace in that you're sadly not alone with large parts of your story. I hope things do improve for you soon

 

[Tmbass]

Yes, i'm from the UK and sadly here they have consciously run mental health services via the NHS into the ground,

Yep the big problem no one seems to talk about in this country. I really don't think therapy would help me but I remember when I called them up to seek therapy and the guy just asked a bunch of generic scripted questions, sighed, and said i'd get a call or message within the next 2 months.
First off, 2 months? wtf. Secondly I got nothing back anyway.
I see quiet a few posts online about how bad it is in this country for mental health and i'm not surprised the lady you talked to made you feel like shit, I swear being insensitive is compulsory to land a job in the nhs mental health service.

 

[Life is unfair]

I'm also considering sn. I also have funhouse mirror syndrome. I have brain damage from abusing drugs and alchohol for 20 years. I'm 7 months clean but I think the damage maybe permanent. I am sick of being a puppet on a string from the sick asshole puppeteer that is pulling my strings not allowing myself to get unfucked and end my torture .meanwhile All around me I see people in relationships that the puppeteer has chose to not give lives of torture. I'm very much ready to end this cruel meaningless torture. Fuck god for fucking me with such an unfair hand at life even after I have donated blood 27 times.