Venting back here again after tryin to recover and i feel so dumb

[psychoelectricangel]

taking my rant from tumblr and putting it here bc i just need to scream rn even if i dont deserve to even if im some fucking pathetic bitch whos too cowardly to die

i feel so fucking miserable im just a drain on the fucking world atp like. i sit in my room all day and i dont do anything, half the time i dont even play games or watch things i just do literally nothing and its been like this for months now, months of my life completely wasted for no reason at all

people waste so much time and money and care on me. my family, my mom and brother, my sister and her husband. i have so many people i can call friends now for the first time in my fucking life and how do i show them i care ? i ghost all of them until i feel like talking or need something from them cuz im too tired to keep in regular contact with more than one fucking person at once, at best.

i try to join more groups of ppl to talk more, make new friends, which i shouldnt even be doing bc i cant talk to the friends i already have- but after a little while i end up not talking in those groups either and i hate myself for it bc it just makes me feel lazier and lazier !!

im such a goddamn fucking pig i keep telling myself ill start losing weight tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow and i keep pushing it off like everything else in my pathetic life. ive been supposed to be working on getting my ged for a year now and i keep telling ppl im not ready but nope i could have done it months ago !! i just fucking havent !!

my friends are all doing shit in their lives, theyre going to college and getting jobs and entering relationships and im just doing nothing. i want to have a partner so fucking bad and im so goddamn jealous and lonely but the kicker is im fucking romance repulsed aroace so who the fuck would live their whole life with someone whos ugly, fat, lazy, braindead and cant even give back the right kinds of love ????? there was one person but that relationship is too fucking toxic to ever fix so i ruined the one shot i had LOL

how the fuck am i supposed to tell ppl "id love to date u but actually not dating just want to marry my best friend and itd be a special exclusive kind of relationship" that feels so fucking cringe and childish and why would anyone agree to that shit ?? fuck agreeing to it, anyone i told- even if i didnt wanna date them, was just talking abt my preferences- theyd just think im weird and stupid and asking for something unreasonable

even if i was normal, no one would fucking want to be with me. and i dont know who id be looking for, and im still hung up on my first and so far only relationship that like i said CANT BE FIXED ITS TOO TOXIC BUT I CANT FUCKING LET GO FOR SOME REASON

and i leave the house like. 10 times a year at best. so god fucking knows ill meet new ppl irl- i dont have any friends irl let alone potential fucking partners lmfao even if i did, irl ppl would just find a jirai neet like me gross and creepy and weird

sometimes i wish i didnt pussy out back then and had really tried to overdose instead of purposely taking pills that had a low chance of causing damage

 

[esquizorzin]

i related this. when decided that i would trying die and i was planning my ctb i just couldn't do anything. when i finally tried but unfortunately failed i just don't know what to do anymore, so i just browsed through the topics here.

i find a thread of challenges on recovery and i tried to do someone. this helps at the time and slowly i get back to do the usual things of my everyday. watch some animes, play games, clean the house, normal things. and besides the fact that i just can't put a feet outside of my home, i was doing just fine.

but now i remember the thing that make me want to just die. so i went back to here.

i related to the part of the friends too. since i had my first collapse some years ago i just couldn't talk or chat my friends (or anyone on general). the only way for them to talk to me is if they invited me to go out, which did not happen so often because they were always busy with their strict school stuffs. i just aren't the person who likes to talk if its not irl. now has been months since we met. the last time "talked" was on my birthday this year cus some of them give me "happy birthday" via chat.

i don't wanna be insensitive with them but i just can't talk with anyone right now. i just can't stand this. even when my grandma appears here on my home i can't even look at her on face. all i can do is to gently nod my head. i fill so guilty because i know when someone on my family visit my parents houses is mostly for seeing me. they know i isolation myself and they just concerned about me.


and about the relationship. i think i understand you. i never thought about being on one because i just can't even think about that, like, this thing is not gonna happen lol. i ugly and i stinks. no matter what others people tell me for cheer me up, i know im a aberration. even if someone for some reason confess to me i will not accept. like wtf how can i like someone who like something i deeply fucking hate? but ngl actually sometimes i think about being in a relationship, and i think this would be cute. but in this way i am i don't think if this would be something different from a friendship. i wouldn't kiss or do things like that. i feel like throwing up just thinking about it.