Venting Back again hopefully for the last time

[LostAllHope7651]

I've not been on here for a while as I've been trying to sort my life out and seek help but that's failed, for refered again to mental health team in feb and still waiting for them to do an assessment... it's pointless.
im hoping tonight goes as I've planned and things work out for me.
Went to beachy head yesterday and that place is absolutely amazing some great pics and it was so calming up there x
Lighthouse with the light on is my favourite one of all

 

[falloutcarter13]

I'm sorry you're at this point, but it seems like you know what you really want/need. I'm holding a good thought for you

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Thank you, yesterday was so tempting but it was so peaceful up there I didn't want to ruin the moment I had...
Just get sick of having no purpose no real worth x

 

[I'm worthless]

It's a beautiful place to stay before ctb. Are lovely pictures. Doctors doesn't worth to anything. So if you want some advices, tried to find it here.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I think am done with advise to be honest no disrespect....
I just feel there is only me who lives in my life and when it's dull with shit after shit bad luck after worse... advise isn't what will make all this go away... xx
But thank you xxx

 

[I'm worthless]

I

I think am done with advise to be honest no disrespect....
I just feel there is only me who lives in my life and when it's dull with shit after shit bad luck after worse... advise isn't what will make all this go away... xx
But thank you xxx

I know what you mean. Well so I hope you can find strength!

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I have two dogs one is at my mums and other is at my sisters .... I feel if I don't grow some balls and just do it am never going too, just having a drink at min for Dutch courage... no Better time than now, I've managed to become single once again and also managed to puss my work of so prob don't have a job anymore, one sick note sent but it's never gonna make life ok.
I think yesterday I drove over 5 hours to get there because it's somewhere I wanted to see for years and I just thought why not and I'm so glad I did, maybe it was on my bucket list before I could let go who knows, was amazing though absolutely the best place I've ever been in my life.
today I just feel like I've done all I cam
Do with my life.
It's hard to give in but it's also hard to live knowing your failing at every aspect of life xz

 

[falloutcarter13]

I have two dogs one is at my mums and other is at my sisters .... I feel if I don't grow some balls and just do it am never going too, just having a drink at min for Dutch courage... no Better time than now, I've managed to become single once again and also managed to puss my work of so prob don't have a job anymore, one sick note sent but it's never gonna make life ok.
I think yesterday I drove over 5 hours to get there because it's somewhere I wanted to see for years and I just thought why not and I'm so glad I did, maybe it was on my bucket list before I could let go who knows, was amazing though absolutely the best place I've ever been in my life.
today I just feel like I've done all I cam
Do with my life.
It's hard to give in but it's also hard to live knowing your failing at every aspect of life xz

Is it inappropriate to ask how you're planning on ctb? It sounds like you're going through with it very soon...I'm holding a good thought, praying to the universe that you find what you need..

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Is it inappropriate to ask how you're planning on ctb? It sounds like you're going through with it very soon...I'm holding a good thought, praying to the universe that you find what you need..

Thank you.... erm... I have a few things to be honest well prepared have been for a while.
I have sodium nitrite, buccastem, coke, loads of sleeping pills and Xanax and a nouse , had themFor a while what I decide if any will be for later when the time's right or not xx

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Beachy head seems nice but I cba with the 2 hour train ride to get there so it's off the table for me. Can relate to the feeling of trying to get better and failing. I gave it a try but not I have college exams in a few weeks and and am losing contact with friends, it's all too stressful. I hope you find peace man, life really is hard.

 

[Sinai Silence]

Thats a lovely view up there, wishing you a peaceful journey whenever you decide to go. Hugs

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Beachy head seems nice but I cba with the 2 hour train ride to get there so it's off the table for me. Can relate to the feeling of trying to get better and failing. I gave it a try but not I have college exams in a few weeks and and am losing contact with friends, it's all too stressful. I hope you find peace man, life really is hard.

Hey you mentioned college which means your young you have plenty of time to try and sort this life out, don't give in yet stress is part of life it's how we find away around it that defines us, you seem bright don't let stress defeat you xxx
I had a 10hpur round car drive there and back but definitely worth the trip to see the views and see what's classed as the most common suiside spot in the uk, I felt peaceful up there so relaxing and I was happy to spend hours up there alone, where u from ? Xx

 

[cazwiz]

I did a recce at Beachy Head last year. It is indeed beautiful, and I took great comfort in knowing how close I could stand to the edge and be a second away from that one step. I spent that evening researching the numbers. I can't remember precisely but the freefall is something like 6 seconds, maybe more. I put a timer on my phone, closed my eyes and imagined. I discovered that 6 seconds is a very long time if you consider the possibility of fear and regret hitting you, plus the general ghastly lose-your-stomach feeling of freefall) and it put me off for the time being. It was a valuable exercise, I recommend you do the same and have full knowledge of what you're proposing. It was quite sobering.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Hey you mentioned college which means your young you have plenty of time to try and sort this life out, don't give in yet stress is part of life it's how we find away around it that defines us, you seem bright don't let stress defeat you xxx
I had a 10hpur round car drive there and back but definitely worth the trip to see the views and see what's classed as the most common suiside spot in the uk, I felt peaceful up there so relaxing and I was happy to spend hours up there alone, where u from ? Xx

I wish I could take that on board but I'm not exactly a strong motivated guy over here. When I get stressed I just break, there's no helping it for me. I don't think I'm really cut out for life, but thanks for the support anyway.

I am from a town in Hampshire, England.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I did a recce at Beachy Head last year. It is indeed beautiful, and I took great comfort in knowing how close I could stand to the edge and be a second away from that one step. I spent that evening researching the numbers. I can't remember precisely but the freefall is something like 6 seconds, maybe more. I put a timer on my phone, closed my eyes and imagined. I discovered that 6 seconds is a very long time if you consider the possibility of fear and regret hitting you, plus the general ghastly lose-your-stomach feeling of freefall) and it put me off for the time being. It was a valuable exercise, I recommend you do the same and have full knowledge of what you're proposing. It was quite sobering.

It didn't put me off I just didn't go up there for that but it was nice standing near to
The edge and looking down without fear, which I found peaceful in my own way. So close to the edge and yet no fear of falling, I don't like highta but the thought of
It been an accident

 

[KleinerWolf]

Thank you.... erm... I have a few things to be honest well prepared have been for a while.
I have sodium nitrite, buccastem, coke, loads of sleeping pills and Xanax and a nouse , had themFor a while what I decide if any will be for later when the time's right or not xx

It sounds like at the moment things are really tough for you.
I just want you to know that at any point in the future,
if the idea of suicide no longer seem right for you,
you have the option to dismiss it.

If you ever want to talk to someone privately, I'm happy to listen.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I wish I could take that on board but I'm not exactly a strong motivated guy over here. When I get stressed I just break, there's no helping it for me. I don't think I'm really cut out for life, but thanks for the support anyway.

I am from a town in Hampshire, England.

I know how it feels and I wish I could help people like yourself I feel with the experience id give it a good shot and make a difference.... but it's something on paper im
Not qualified for...

live had many years at struggling and feel everyone should give it there best shot before feeling like they failed or it's not enough, your young and life has phases half of which you won't have experience yet. Stress is a hurdle for most of us but try and find ways to keep it at bay, school college is stressful but they don't last forever. U make it through get jobs and other things... so don't give up yet see what life has planned after for you. If in10 more years your still on here then at lease you can say your tried and gave it your best shot xz

It sounds like at the moment things are really tough for you.
I just want you to know that at any point in the future,
if the idea of suicide no longer seem right for you,
you have the option to dismiss it.

If you ever want to talk to someone privately, I'm happy to listen.

Thank you really means a lot, I don't talk to anyone as no one understand like you guys do on here which means a lot to me.
I put loads of posts on Facebook about beachy head pics and stuff and only one person I do t know felt the need to reach out to me, says a lot when I have 1300 odd people who know me on there... people are so wrapped up in there own life's they don't see the struggles of other and that's fine I'd rather no one bothered that receive sympathy which I've never wanted, would just be nice for friends to call once in a while and ask if I'm honesty ok with what's going off in my life... but it's ok cos my names Rebecca I need to be ok for everyone else but everyone forgets about me.
They say bad time revel true friends and I've realised in the years that I don't have many of them...

my ex said to me today it would take a Saint to love memaybe he's right...
One of my other ex's killes
Himself 5 years aho
And left me a message that's left me
Feeling guilty for the last 5 years saying no one would ever love me
Like he did and I'd never know
How much he loves me and saying he would watch over me... maybe the way I feel now is karma I don't know, maybe it's a calling from
Him

 

[KleinerWolf]

I know how it feels and I wish I could help people like yourself I feel with the experience id give it a good shot and make a difference.... but it's something on paper im
Not qualified for...

live had many years at struggling and feel everyone should give it there best shot before feeling like they failed or it's not enough, your young and life has phases half of which you won't have experience yet. Stress is a hurdle for most of us but try and find ways to keep it at bay, school college is stressful but they don't last forever. U make it through get jobs and other things... so don't give up yet see what life has planned after for you. If in10 more years your still on here then at lease you can say your tried and gave it your best shot xz

Thank you really means a lot, I don't talk to anyone as no one understand like you guys do on here which means a lot to me.
I put loads of posts on Facebook about beachy head pics and stuff and only one person I do t know felt the need to reach out to me, says a lot when I have 1300 odd people who know me on there... people are so wrapped up in there own life's they don't see the struggles of other and that's fine I'd rather no one bothered that receive sympathy which I've never wanted, would just be nice for friends to call once in a while and ask if I'm honesty ok with what's going off in my life... but it's ok cos my names Rebecca I need to be ok for everyone else but everyone forgets about me.
They say bad time revel true friends and I've realised in the years that I don't have many of them...

my ex said to me today it would take a Saint to love memaybe he's right...
One of my other ex's killes
Himself 5 years aho
And left me a message that's left me
Feeling guilty for the last 5 years saying no one would ever love me
Like he did and I'd never know
How much he loves me and saying he would watch over me... maybe the way I feel now is karma I don't know, maybe it's a calling from
Him

Rebecca is a cool name just as much as I've seen people named Rebecca having strength and unique personalities.
I can relate to how unaware people are on social media so forth people around us.
It is my opinion that people who go through a series of struggles tend to understand each other a little bit better.

Sorry to hear about your ex saying "it takes a saint to love you".
I believe that couldn't be further from the truth, in fact it's rather inconsiderate and toxic for him to make such comment.

Your other ex who took his own life, I'm sorry to hear he lost the battle to his personal struggles,
he sounds like a great dude except for the part where he said "no one would ever love you like he did",
I'm sure he loves you a lot, but it's also a selfish act in itself for him to say something like that.

I'm not sure how you look at things but I presume things had subconsciously put a baggage on you.
I think you have come a long way which takes strength.
Depending on perspectives and what you value in life,
I believe you are more than capable to discover a life worthwhile for you.
It may be a process for people to gradually figure things out,
but that day will come if you see it for yourself.
In the meantime, don't be so harsh on yourself if you can.
I think it helps somewhat.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Rebecca is a cool name just as much as I've seen people named Rebecca having strength and unique personalities.
I can relate to how unaware people are on social media so forth people around us.
It is my opinion that people who go through a series of struggles tend to understand each other a little bit better.

Sorry to hear about your ex saying "it takes a saint to love you".
I believe that couldn't be further from the truth, in fact it's rather inconsiderate and toxic for him to make such comment.

Your other ex who took his own life, I'm sorry to hear he lost the battle to his personal struggles,
he sounds like a great dude except for the part where he said "no one would ever love you like he did",
I'm sure he loves you a lot, but it's also a selfish act in itself for him to say something like that.

I'm not sure how you look at things but I presume things had subconsciously put a baggage on you.
I think you have come a long way which takes strength.
Depending on perspectives and what you value in life,
I believe you are more than capable to discover a life worthwhile for you.
It may be a process for people to gradually figure things out,
but that day will come if you see it for yourself.
In the meantime, don't be so harsh on yourself if you can.
I think it helps somewhat.

Oh my god that message had me in tears thank you so much for your kind words... but I have tried for the last 5 years and I've come
Up against stuff... friends dying, my uncle struggles with cancer for so long and then died On a motorbike last year, he had so much to live for and I wish I could swap with him, I also ride bikes so have a lot of bike friends and have had to go to there funerals, good people who have things to live for , it's a very cruel word with live in and it takes a strong person to watch people around you pass and at my age I've seen more than I should... I push everyone away cos I apend
So much time not wanting to be here and I hate been a lot, my own worse enemy I swear ......
I'm 34 no kids no husband nothing ‍.... feeling like I've wasted my life by been me, and I wish I wasn't I wish I was one of those happy people who go out and talk and have a laugh and enjoy people company but I'm not. None of the ex's friends like me and it makes you wonder if your even a nice person when people who don't know you that well don't ever like ypu

 

[KleinerWolf]

Oh my god that message had me in tears thank you so much for your kind words... but I have tried for the last 5 years and I've come
Up against stuff... friends dying, my uncle struggles with cancer for so long and then died On a motorbike last year, he had so much to live for and I wish I could swap with him, I also ride bikes so have a lot of bike friends and have had to go to there funerals, good people who have things to live for , it's a very cruel word with live in and it takes a strong person to watch people around you pass and at my age I've seen more than I should... I push everyone away cos I apend
So much time not wanting to be here and I hate been a lot, my own worse enemy I swear ......
I'm 34 no kids no husband nothing ‍♀.... feeling like I've wasted my life by been me, and I wish I wasn't I wish I was one of those happy people who go out and talk and have a laugh and enjoy people company but I'm not. None of the ex's friends like me and it makes you wonder if your even a nice person when people who don't know you that well don't ever like ypu

It's really cool that you ride bikes, thats so badass :)
I kinda have this dream myself but gonna need to work more towards it.

You are right, it's really hard to lose people you love/ people you are close to.
People that have passed away in my life, I too believe they had a lot to live for.
It's cliche how people say god picks the prettiest flowers first but I guess that's one way look at it.

For me personally, I value life based on how much fun you can have.
It goes without saying, things don't matter when your time is up.
Feels like you might as well enjoy it while you are here.

In terms of being unconventional, I've had colleague who got married in his late 40s (now in his late 50s) and he's moved countries from Austria to New Zealand and married a wife of thai background. He's an executive chef, I get that chefs travel a lot but like they have a daughter now as well about 7 I think. He's happy with the pace of his life you know? I've also watched this interview once where they ask people on the street in Berlin to describe themselves in 3 words. This lady described herself as unconventional, explaining she has no children and only married recently in her 60s. She did not look bothered tbh.

Unconventional, maybe.
I think it goes on to show everyone's situation is different.
You don't have to marry someone/have children if you don't want to of course.

If you are taking your time, like that's cool as well.
You wouldn't want to rush something that doesn't feel right.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

It's really cool that you ride bikes, thats so badass :)
I kinda have this dream myself but gonna need to work more towards it.

You are right, it's really hard to lose people you love/ people you are close to.
People that have passed away in my life, I too believe they had a lot to live for.
It's cliche how people say god picks the prettiest flowers first but I guess that's one way look at it.

For me personally, I value life based on how much fun you can have.
It goes without saying, things don't matter when your time is up.
Feels like you might as well enjoy it while you are here.

In terms of being unconventional, I've had colleague who got married in his late 40s (now in his late 50s) and he's moved countries from Austria to New Zealand and married a wife of thai background. He's an executive chef, I get that chefs travel a lot but like they have a daughter now as well about 7 I think. He's happy with the pace of his life you know? I've also watched this interview once where they ask people on the street in Berlin to describe themselves in 3 words. This lady described herself as unconventional, explaining she has no children and only married recently in her 60s. She did not look bothered tbh.

Unconventional, maybe.
I think it goes on to show everyone's situation is different.
You don't have to marry someone/have children if you don't want to of course.

If you are taking your time, like that's cool as well.
You wouldn't want to rush something that doesn't feel right.

but that's the thing that's what I've always wanted but never got... my own life goals I've fail and if you think your never
Going to get from life what you wanted what's the point,
We spend most of our hours at work doing jobs we don't even like just to pay bills for
Places we may not ever be happy in but the only ones we can afford... relationships failing all the time when all we want is for someone to share life burdens with us, and share the hard time... doing nothing after work cos not having many friends who want to do anything so staying in alone feeling sorry for our selfs question why we do it all what's it for really,
I've had some good years but it's always back to the starting block when everyone else is half way through the race... no point taking part when u always fail at making yourself happy and keep ending back up
On that starting block that you hate so much

 

[KleinerWolf]

but that's the thing that's what I've always wanted but never got... my own life goals I've fail and if you think your never
Going to get from life what you wanted what's the point,
We spend most of our hours at work doing jobs we don't even like just to pay bills for
Places we may not ever be happy in but the only ones we can afford... relationships failing all the time when all we want is for someone to share life burdens with us, and share the hard time... doing nothing after work cos not having many friends who want to do anything so staying in alone feeling sorry for our selfs question why we do it all what's it for really,
I've had some good years but it's always back to the starting block when everyone else is half way through the race... no point taking part when u always fail at making yourself happy and keep ending back up
On that starting block that you hate so much

I understand what you mean by that.
Life is tricky when it comes to attaining goals/ desires.
I think having continuous confidence in yourself and making tweaks and improvement on a person's problem-solving skills
might be the keyword here.
However I'm still in the process of trial and error so it's hard to say.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I understand what you mean by that.
Life is tricky when it comes to attaining goals/ desires.
I think having continuous confidence in yourself and making tweaks and improvement on a person's problem-solving skills
might be the keyword here.
However I'm still in the process of trial and error so it's hard to say.

Thanks for your help, but help falls on deaf ears most of the time now days z

 

[KleinerWolf]

Thanks for your help, but help falls on deaf ears most of the time now days z

Yeah same.