Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 650
Was really debating on sharing this, but it's been such a struggle to deal with.
I've probably been the most productive I've been in a couple of years, and yet I feel so utterly and totally alone. It sucks, working really hard all day, while being totally berated over everything little thing by one of my junior instructors. Then coming and looking for support and getting absolutely nothing, from anyone. It really hurts.
I'll post on my social media, that's just filled with all of my family members and people that I've known since elementary school, about what's going on in my life or being really proud of something I did…and I'll just get absolutely nothing. Then I'll just my Facebook memories, me from 10-12 years ago, just venting or talking about anything, and it's the same thing; nothing. No one cares.
For some reason lately, it's been impacting me more than usual. It feels like I either get treated like garbage or as if I'm completely nonexistent by people I know and don't know that well equally, and it just has me so fucked. Even online, I feel like I'll just try to talk and no one cares. This is probably the only place I feel like I get treated like I exist, like I'm not an alien.
A big reason that I've always hesitated with CTB, is that I don't want to hurt anyone else by making such a final decision, but these days I've been like, I don't really care. Then recently my thoughts have gotten more spiteful…like wanting to livestream my attempt as a big FU to everyone in my life on the way out.
I would never do something like that, but the fact that I'm even starting to think this stuff has me a little distressed. It has me questioning my thoughts, my feelings, my mental state; I feel like I'm going crazy. I've never been the type to hurt anyone; physically emotionally or mentally. So it's just really upsetting the I've deteriorated to the point that would even pop up in my head. It makes me feel like a horrible person.
I'm feeling pretty lost about everything, my future. If I'm making the right decisions/steps or if I'm just wasting time. Recently, it just feels like it would be better for everyone if I was gone. I just wish it was that easy.
Rather than just push it down and forget, I figured it would be better to just vent. My depression really feels like black tar, and talking about it helps get some of it out.
I've probably been the most productive I've been in a couple of years, and yet I feel so utterly and totally alone. It sucks, working really hard all day, while being totally berated over everything little thing by one of my junior instructors. Then coming and looking for support and getting absolutely nothing, from anyone. It really hurts.
I'll post on my social media, that's just filled with all of my family members and people that I've known since elementary school, about what's going on in my life or being really proud of something I did…and I'll just get absolutely nothing. Then I'll just my Facebook memories, me from 10-12 years ago, just venting or talking about anything, and it's the same thing; nothing. No one cares.
For some reason lately, it's been impacting me more than usual. It feels like I either get treated like garbage or as if I'm completely nonexistent by people I know and don't know that well equally, and it just has me so fucked. Even online, I feel like I'll just try to talk and no one cares. This is probably the only place I feel like I get treated like I exist, like I'm not an alien.
A big reason that I've always hesitated with CTB, is that I don't want to hurt anyone else by making such a final decision, but these days I've been like, I don't really care. Then recently my thoughts have gotten more spiteful…like wanting to livestream my attempt as a big FU to everyone in my life on the way out.
I would never do something like that, but the fact that I'm even starting to think this stuff has me a little distressed. It has me questioning my thoughts, my feelings, my mental state; I feel like I'm going crazy. I've never been the type to hurt anyone; physically emotionally or mentally. So it's just really upsetting the I've deteriorated to the point that would even pop up in my head. It makes me feel like a horrible person.
I'm feeling pretty lost about everything, my future. If I'm making the right decisions/steps or if I'm just wasting time. Recently, it just feels like it would be better for everyone if I was gone. I just wish it was that easy.
Rather than just push it down and forget, I figured it would be better to just vent. My depression really feels like black tar, and talking about it helps get some of it out.