Cosmiq
Student
- May 7, 2020
- 197
I've only been hospitalized once, and at the time I actually wasn't close to attempting. It was the week after Pride, I had planned to see a friend that evening for her birthday, and the weekend coming up was fathers day. I can actually remember texting that friend while still in my therapist office, telling her I was going to the hospital and that I couldn't make it. I've avoided talking to her since then.
I'm still not 100% why I was committed or how I could have convinced them that I wasn't considering it within the next week. I can recall speaking with my therapist during early sessions, I said I'd do it by gun and I can recall telling my psychiatrist that even though I thought about it, that there were things in place to make sure I couldn't immediately do anything, like that in my state you can buy a gun but there is still a 10-day hold before you actually receive it. Also that I kept my checking account pretty low, so that I couldn't impulsively buy it, but also for impulsive spending in general. My savings account was through my job, if you withdrew from it not only was there a few you usually had to wait a few days for it to be accessible. I was seeing my therapist twice up until I was hospitalized. I can't recall if it was my first or second session that week, where I offhandedly said I could easily drive off a cliff. But during this period I was also on Lexapro which honestly made me kinda numb and really apathetic, I felt like ctb would have taken too much effort at the time.
After the fact the only answers I had was that my thoughts of suicide had been happening too long, and that my therapist was worried, and had to follow procedure. This answer or non-answer has had a tremendous effect on me since I can't look back and see myself as dangerous. I began to isolate myself more and more after that experience and didn't realize why until end of last year, almost 2 years later, that it was because I'd become afraid of telling anyone I wasn't doing okay for fear that I'd be hospitalized. That I'd been afraid to let anyone worry, because I had no other answer to look at that gave me a way to avoid hospitalization regardless of whether I was actively pursuing suicide or just having thoughts if someone else decides to make that call.
TLDR: After being involuntarily hospitalized when I wasn't actively participating in a plan, I want to make sure I don't go back whether I'm about to ctb in a soon or not. So, if you were about to be involuntarily hospitalized by a mental health professional, officer, or anything but avoided being hospitalized what did you say or do?
I'm still not 100% why I was committed or how I could have convinced them that I wasn't considering it within the next week. I can recall speaking with my therapist during early sessions, I said I'd do it by gun and I can recall telling my psychiatrist that even though I thought about it, that there were things in place to make sure I couldn't immediately do anything, like that in my state you can buy a gun but there is still a 10-day hold before you actually receive it. Also that I kept my checking account pretty low, so that I couldn't impulsively buy it, but also for impulsive spending in general. My savings account was through my job, if you withdrew from it not only was there a few you usually had to wait a few days for it to be accessible. I was seeing my therapist twice up until I was hospitalized. I can't recall if it was my first or second session that week, where I offhandedly said I could easily drive off a cliff. But during this period I was also on Lexapro which honestly made me kinda numb and really apathetic, I felt like ctb would have taken too much effort at the time.
After the fact the only answers I had was that my thoughts of suicide had been happening too long, and that my therapist was worried, and had to follow procedure. This answer or non-answer has had a tremendous effect on me since I can't look back and see myself as dangerous. I began to isolate myself more and more after that experience and didn't realize why until end of last year, almost 2 years later, that it was because I'd become afraid of telling anyone I wasn't doing okay for fear that I'd be hospitalized. That I'd been afraid to let anyone worry, because I had no other answer to look at that gave me a way to avoid hospitalization regardless of whether I was actively pursuing suicide or just having thoughts if someone else decides to make that call.
TLDR: After being involuntarily hospitalized when I wasn't actively participating in a plan, I want to make sure I don't go back whether I'm about to ctb in a soon or not. So, if you were about to be involuntarily hospitalized by a mental health professional, officer, or anything but avoided being hospitalized what did you say or do?
